Recent Posts

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10
1
Our Community / Re: Book 2 ... Chapter 2
« Last post by No expectations on Today at 04:47:42 AM »
Hi Never!!

Just popping on here and of course I had to catch up with you.   So, so happy for you!  Reconciliation can be tough, but in a different way.   You are so strong,  it should be a breeze for you after all you've been through.

Please stay in touch.  You are a dear, special lady. Xoxo
2
Our Community / Re: Ideas for the Next LBS meet up.
« Last post by hopeandfaith on Today at 04:42:11 AM »
Anywhere closer to Australia (insert praying hands). Glad you had a great time.  I went to one in 2014 - one of my best holidays ever  :)
3
Our Community / Re: And round and round we go
« Last post by hopeandfaith on Today at 04:38:11 AM »
Sorry you were having a bad day Ever.  Totally relate to the rapid recall of previously unconsciously collected facts that form a picture though.  Hopefully getting it “out” helped you (or “put it down” as I think of it)

The ow’s don’t mind being a juicy little secret for a while and then they crave legitimacy so start going more public.  The fact that he is still acknowledging you publicly but being careful about her is probably driving her nuts. Cue the fights. You’re probably right about progression Ever - but not in the way you think, more in the playing out of the script than the deepening of their commitment.
4
Our Community / Ideas for the Next LBS meet up.
« Last post by Mortesbride on Today at 04:24:20 AM »
So I am only back from Tuscany, and I was totally bummed it was over.

Nothing quiet like finding your 'tribe' and being away with normal super human people to make you miss it before you even leave.

So I am doing what everyone does when they have a massively good time on holiday then go home to figure out what the next one is!

Obviously it might be some time away depending on everyone's needs, and saving up money and such...but I thought maybe even if we just started to throw around some ideas about what our next adventure could be...it would help ease that feeling you know?

So if you got to come to Tuscany, or had to miss out and wished you had come... what would you be interested in doing next?

Maybe we could all list like our top 5 trips we would like to take with a group and go from there?
5
Thanks S&D... I've been having very fun weekend with this.  Reading, watching, observing (myself and other people).

So I've basically come up with  "simplified good vs bad body language" guide for myself.    Likely the terms I'm using here all very "unprofessional", but at least this is how I get them.   And like you hunched, I knew more than I thought.  I just never "realized" how much my subconscious had truly picked up of all this.

Bad:
- sagging posture (especially shoulders and chest)
- too wide postures (mainly expressing dominance)
- crossed/interlaced ankles, legs, feet, arms, fingers
- pointing fingers or putting hands into fist
- looking anywhere else than straight to other person (showing submission, contempt etc)
- covering mouth, eyes or hands/fingers (for example putting hands in pocket or keeping eyes closed when telling something )
- movement, especially fast movements, or nervous movement (rocking, flimsing, looking at watch/phone, picking up bag from floor etc)
- leaning away from other
- physical tension (looking like you are about to sprung/bounce away)
- not-smiling (even neutral can be bad, same with fake smile)
- keeping fingers busy (playing with hair, playing with phone, drumming, scratching etc)
- standing when other person sits (or vice versa)

Good:
- straight posture (especially shoulders and chest)
- open ankles, legs, feet, arms, fingers
- looking straight / onwards
- genuine smile
- moving slow or being still - the  more calm the better
- keeping mouth, eys and hands/fingers visible and open
- leaning towards another
- mirroring body movement of other (especially positive ones)
- light touching of other (to empower empathy etc)

And I've already read a bit about micro expressions (like that with genuine smile you get the crows feet, people who lie try to cover their mouth/face etc).

On the upside I've done a lot more positives than I've realized.   Possibly my biggest sins are :
1) not showing my smile often and
2) crossed legs/feet/ankles (never even thought this could mean anything as people do this a lot - I knew crossed arms was "bad")
3) sending out conflicting verbal and non-verbal message (or mostly the issue was that my verbal message was not telling my entire line of thinking)

Or like I wrote on my own story:



I've started to work out non-verbal communication ( see https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11112.0 ).  I know (or think) it's a weak spot for me.  Maybe it's not as weak as I feared in the beginning, but still something I think I could improve significantly. I started by reading few dozen articles, then I watched few dozen YouTube videos, and I've now moved into observing my own behaviour as well as others. It's proving both useful and interesting.

I've noted few "traits" I have never understood to carry such weight; heck I have not even understood them meaning anything...    For example I have always liked to sit down a lot using "seated figure four"  - which is is said to be both defensive and aggressive (similar to war). Ouch, now that I know the meaning of it, I definitely don't want to use it anymore.  Regardless how comfortable it feels (especially when holding a laptop) it's gotta go. I really don't want to message "war" to anyone....  Or that when W is playing with her hair, I have thought of it as "cute" thing she does - but in reality it's one way to keep fingers busy, to deal with anxiety or feeling uncomfortable with situation. So there is lots to learn, and lots to change/dig deeper.  On the positive side, I've also done lots of right things as well.

Another major realization is I've remembered (or understood) one specific type of situation where I have sent mixed messages to my W.  That is when we have been at some social situation, and I've been ready to exit well before her. My standard response  has been to either to try to remain silent and endure (or so I've thought), or to say "no rush" if she asks. In reality my body language has been screaming "I want to go now, please".LOL.  I've given this some thought and I realize it's a kind of submissive pattern on my part. When it comes to social situations, I let her do the shots (the same way she allows me to do shots with some other things). It's not that I stay on social situations because I have to, but because I value her (and her happiness) more than my own temporary discomfort.  But I think I could/should work out some kind of "smarter" verbal response that acknowledges what I feel and aligns my verbal and non-verbal message (i.e. "I would like to exit, but because of you I am more than happy to endure some discomfort and stay as long as you like").


All in all this is very interesting, and might even say fun.  The fact that I nowadays know what most feelings feel in my body has helped a lot in understanding the logic behind body language, but I've never really put much of it use in when looking at others (at least conciously).  Now I kind of await seeing how well these two types of communcation match when looking at others.  So some fun times ahead for me I think.
6
Our Community / Re: So maybe not a wallower after all!
« Last post by One day at a time on Today at 03:27:49 AM »
Treasur.. Yes, I'm at that point where I want to unhook myself from him completely... You cut your xH off completely when you went NC and I remember reading it and thinking I would never get to the point where I would be ready to want the same. Your reasons were different to mine. I just want to get on with my life and leave all of this behind. And it's not just about the crazy stuff of the last 2 years, it's also about my marriage.. I'll go into more detail later.

And no, nothing I or my L can really do, we just have to wait.. And I don't think there's any wacky alternatives, housing here is a mess. Renting would cost me a lot more than a mortgage so giving up the house is not wise and buying something else not an option until my name is off the rental.. If he gets refused, the only option is to sell the rental but again, that will be his decision and responsibility to do as per the terms of our agreement so still stuck..

Journaling

Today marks 18 months since H declared our marriage dead. The last few weeks I have a experienced a big shift emotionally.

The truth is that there were things I didn't like about my H and while we were in a loving relationship I was willing to overlook them or maybe I was so lost in the relationship that I didn't consider them so bad.. But since I reclaimed the love I had deposited in H, I have come to the realization that maybe he was right, we were always too different. This is not me rewriting history btw, my family always felt H and I were too different. Once they saw we were serious, my family accepted that he was the person I chose and decided to love him as my partner in life. They never brought it up again.. until we separated. And they didn't say it in a "I told you so" sort of way, but trying to make me see some of the reality that my love wouldn't let me see.

Some of that reality is that H tends to be aggressive and argumentative, same as his father. I don't like confrontation and often felt attacked. He would sometimes argue with me in front of people and that made me feel very uncomfortable. It seemed to get worse over the years and if I'm really really honest, I was worried about it and it was eroding some of my natural "bubblyness" (is that even a word?!) which I have now regained and people have noticed.

Over the years H did a lot of stuff for me and I did appreciate it but every now and again he would throw it back in my face like I "owed" him. For example he would tell me he spent x amount of days with my family in a year so then I should spend time with his family.. I guess the difference for me was that my family truly loved him and treated him like a family member, his family never treated me like that and their behavior since H and I separated shows they never really loved me because they were more than happy to erase me.

I know this sounds very negative but that's not where I'm going with this.. H was very good in many ways, loving and sweet. He traveled with me even though he didn't like it, he sat in the beach with me (reluctantly, but he did ) because I love it and many things more... But I have realized that this wasn't good.. I loved the fact that he did it at the time and I nearly expected it but I really don't want to be with someone who will do things for me, feel that they are constantly compromising and not say it. I don't want someone who will do things because he feels he has to and compromise who they really are.

So all of this to say that I feel I have dropped the rope completely. I think it's best for H and I to go our separate ways.. Well, he has gone a long time ago, I was just slow in getting the memo!! I feel done, sad that it came to this but ready to move on in all meanings of the phrase. I was talking to a friend yesterday about all this and she said "I know you are not ready to date..." and I realized that's not how I feel anymore.. She hugged me when she heard it.. I have come a long way..

Have a lovely Sunday you all!
7
I'm glad to hear about your good news, no ex, and sad to hear about your bad news.
But glad too that you have a supportive h again now as opposed to an MLC version who seems not to care.
You are in my prayers xxx

Completely agree with T, Noex.

Thinking of you, update when you can
Rose 🌹
8
Our Community / Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Last post by Nerissa on Today at 02:41:37 AM »
Mine also claimed happiness, and a month later said he is more broken than ever.  The replay makes them feel exhilarated in the moment

I’m thinking it isnt just the exhilaration.  I think it’s a degree of sadistic delight in hurting us and witnessing our distress which brings up
Something in them - a mirror of their own distress?  A feeling of superiority?  Power?  The pleasure of playing with our feelings?

Whatever, the impulse is not nice.  It’s immature and unhealthy and cruel.  Bear that in mind before engaging again and ask whether you want this in your life.  It will continue while
You let it i think, and until he bottoms out at least and maybe it is just a part of him previously hidden.
9
Our Community / Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Last post by Nerissa on Today at 02:34:30 AM »
. The fact that it hurt me just tells me that I still carry some attachment to the h I loved and thought I knew and parts of the old life I valued. A little more work to do. A little more time. A little more new stuff. A little more gratitude and a few new dreams. That's all. Oh, and that I needed to lose a friend ha ha.

I think you are anticipating a level of detachment/ individuation  that would be a bit weird and not in line with the idea explained simply in the book you linked about humans being interdependent rather than completely detached and individuated. Sorry you are thrown. 

It’s far more minor but I experienced something similar a week or so ago: a friend called as she was going to a party at which she expected she might see H and wanted to check me out in order to say/not say the right thing.  It was a colleague of H who was my friend too but his UK home is not far from Mine.   In fact I don’t think he went although I haven’t checked and I think perhaps neither of us were asked as our situation is still a bit odd.  Even so, I was disappointed to be shaken and to find myself wanting to revert to old coping techniques.  My T pointed out my progress and also that my friend was inviting me to  a ‘game’. I actually think it was with good and loyal intentions but Even So, I suppose I can see the most mature thing would have been not to mention it.

Anyway, just wanted to say that if something as small As that can spoil My day, it’s little wonder a magazine article sent by a friend would knock you harder. Xx
10
Our Community / Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Last post by Keep believing on Today at 02:21:20 AM »
A little of things going on,  He has reconnected with my boys 29, 23. My d 19 doesnt talk to him.  He has said a couple times, too much damage has been done. Whatever any of this means.One time he asked how do i fix this.   
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 10
SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.