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Our Community / Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 04:13:17 AM »
The cognitive dissonance is real, One Day...

Reaching a mental point though when we say 'nope this isn't serving me' is healthy.
It sounds as if the woman you met was almost like an embodiment of your worst fears. A picture of what you don't want to head towards....?

I have a pretty much vanisher who now has a new wife and life. I have little evidence to suggest he is anything other than content with his choice. I expect no explanation or apology from him ever. I simply can't line up the person we all knew for almost 20 years with what he became...or how little he cared about what happened to me. Tried but I can't. So I think of the old one as dead....wouldn't expect an apology or explanation from a dead guy right? I went NC bc I couldn't heal or feel safe while people were cruel and nasty and insane and unreasonable...they wouldn't stop so going NC really was my only sane option. I think of xh as a stranger and I don't look at his life at all. Too busy trying to heal mine. But sometimes I still have an hour or a day when I wonder how on earth the man I married turned into this....how our life and friendship and marriage was worth nothing to him....and it hurts. And it will always feel a bit incomprehensible to me. But they are just feelings....

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that your thoughts are heading in the right direction, that any way you can frame it that helps you is just fine and that there will be days when it is just WTF and surreal....but you learn to surf them and they pass. I HATE the s$it days...really hate them and they are usually triggered by something small...and I HATE that I have to invest emotional effort in withstanding the pull and all the negative thinking that goes with them....but they do pass, don't last as long and it gets easier.
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Our Community / Re: Negative MLCer comments about the OP
« Last post by Acorn on Today at 04:06:59 AM »

It is strange indeed. Likely in a different way then you intend. My 1st reaction to this is why would you and he be discussing his OW?. I guess that is very curious to me ...and I can not imagine for 1 second talking to my husband about his OW. I can only speak to my situation ...I went no contact , even before I had proof there was re OW. When I understood there was an OW ...then there is no "ME". Period.

I do agree however, that it is odd that they complain about the OW to the LBS...especially when they seemingly blew up their entire life for her/him. I guess we have to remember they are in "crisis" AKA...crazy, manipulative and deceitful. He is telling you one thing and her an utterly different scenario. The LBS is certainly made out to be a demon-ess , so we can imagine what he is telling the OW about us! In my opinion, I would absolutely refuse to participate in any conversation whatsoever.

I am 100% with Barbie on this. 

Below are my take on MLCer’s negative comments on OW.

Whatever they say about OW are just words.  Their actions speak for themselves - MLCer left LBS and is with OW!

At best, any dissing of OW is self-serving for MLCer - To make MLCer feel better by making (he thinks) LBS feel better.  Manipulation at its best. 

Just my 2 cents’...
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Our Community / Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Last post by One day at a time on Today at 03:53:24 AM »
Treasur, I'm still in the process of catching up with the threads I follow, Morte's is one of them but I will look for the post from Ready as that's where I seem to be now. So far, I have let "the process" flow, both the MLC and the LBS process.. I take each day as it comes, I try to process my feelings, try to accept what's happening at that particular time but everything is very short term.. And that was OK because I couldn't really deal with anything else but now that I feel stronger, I'm starting to feel like if I continue on this path of "going with the flow", my life will pass me by. I'm not talking about taking rash decisions or change drastically what I'm doing today but as you say, looking at the situation as it stands right now and what I have already accepted and start looking at life long term which will have to be without H as he's gone and will more than likely remain that way.

I have refused to acknowledge he's quite probably gone for good, possibly because it was too painful for me to accept. I have "excused" H for all he's done in my head.. "He's not himself" "He's having a crisis" "He will regret it some day" But so what? What about me? Why do I have to have compassion for him when he seems to have none for me? I'm tired of making excuses for him to myself. Don't get me wrong, when I think of H having a lovely holiday with OW in her home country in Asia when "the real him" hated traveling and heat my head goes WTF???!!!  It's like my brain cannot comprehend how the person I knew for 15 years is behaving like that but he is.. and he might continue to behave like that for the rest of his life because the real him is too stubborn and proud to admit he made a massive mistake. So I need to stop with excuses, MLC or not MLC. It's really not serving me.

I think I had a bit of a wake up call yesterday as well.. I had lunch with a colleague in work who I know has been divorced for 20 years.. She told me before her xH cheated and left her but I didn't really know much more than that.. Yesterday she started talking about the alien in her xH's body, the lies, the betrayal, ILYBINILWY... her xH is still with OW 20 years later.. My colleague never had another relationship, she concentrated in raising her 2 girls. They are now both grown and gone from her house. She told me that the pain and shock never really left her but she learnt to deal with it over the years.. I didn't want to ask a lot as we were in work so I don't know if she chose to remain on her own or she simply never met anyone else but the thoughts of me being on my own for the next 20 years really scared me. From what I gathered she never got closure or an apology from her x so why should I expect anything different? This is the reality that I need to accept but it won't happen unless I take off my rose tinted glasses and decide to see things are they really are.

UM, I only hit the tip of the iceberg for the moment but as I read about my type, my wing, my disintegration and integration, a lot makes sense.. And it gives me some guidelines as to what I need to focus on. Unfortunately all the material I have is not in English, otherwise I would share it here because I feel like I had an aha moment when I discovered it.

Thunder, I'm the reformer :-X  The more I read, the more I think someone studied me and read my mind (because a lot of stuff is internal) and wrote the definition of that type!

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Our Community / Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Last post by Whyus on Today at 03:46:51 AM »
Im sorry about your D date Um but you knew it was coming and hopefully being out of Limbo will be a weight lifted from your shoulders.
I took the day off work for my D and spent the afternoon riding through the Harz mountains as I just wanted to be distracted and NOT have to think about it. It was a better choice than going to the Pub  8).

You will be fine UM but you dont Need me to tell you that, you have done everything right up until now and you will be the winner of her game.

Thunder, I saw Godsmack last week and ill see them on the Weekend again. Have you seem the crazy double drum solo with moving drum kits???? Its amazing, I was like  :o WTF are they doing???
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Our Community / Re: Wife's MLC 15
« Last post by gman242 on Today at 03:38:51 AM »
dude.. I'm hoping.

I got up early with a bit of stress today. I've applied for a few jobs at colleges in the area and I haven't heard anything so far.. I know it takes time, but I need to start rethinking my options again and I've kind of been putting it off. But at the same time, I'm applying and being consistent and that's about all I can do, I just don't have an immediate answer right now.

Work is frustrating, I feel like I never know what's going to happen from day to day and I just kind of show up now and go through the motions I'm doing as well as I can, all things considered, but I'm not really a guy to cruise on auto pilot. I like to know what's going and in lieu of that, i like routine.

W came over on Saturday for her longest visit in a while.  She stayed almost four hours and spent the entire time with S. She sat in his room and played video games with him and she seems like she's doing better with him and being patient. She says the medication is really helping her and it seems like it is.

It's hard seeing her come over though sometimes. There was nothing wrong with us that couldn't be fixed, other than she just doesn't want to. It has a ring of nanny nanny boo boo to it that I just find impudent and selfish. Yeah I know, MLC.. but even though I'm in a good place now, I don't think the hurt from that will ever go away 100%. S feels it too and I think it's even harder on him sometimes. As other's have said, fine hate me, but what did the kids do to you? Even if they can't verbalize it, I think that's what they all want to know too.

She brought the baby over and he was a lot of fun too. We were looking at pictures of S on my phone and he almost feel asleep with me on the couch and then he heard thunder and got scared and ran to S's room. He sat with W and played games with them (as much as a 2 year old can anyway) the rest of the time and S played with him too. It was nice to see them together.

I've got this weekend off from airsoft and I'm going to tackle some home projects. I think not dating has been good for me, but it's also catching up to me. I feel lonely and discarded and a bit overwhelmed right now. Usually my cure for that is to slow down and regain my sense of self. I need to go through my budget again and I think it'd be a good idea to join the Y. Maybe this weekend we'll go and take a look at it.

Happy fathers day (belated) to all you guys on here!

I think that's part of why I'm feeling so down too. I went through all of our old photos on Sunday to do a facebook post about S. I saw that I've always been the dad that I wanted to be and that makes me happy. But letting go of the past is hard and I struggle with wondering if anything with me and W was real or I'm just that delusional and that's why I haven't been able to find anyone else since. Letting go of that has been hard too, I know the timing just isn't right, but it all makes you wonder if it's not you at the same time.

Well I'm done crying in my coffee.. literally. I need to get up and get a shower and then get S to his job! and me onto work.

Have a good one :)
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Our Community / Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Last post by Rosetintedglasses on Today at 03:33:33 AM »
Music, Sam & Silver - thanks for the lovely Mom comments. The children give me strength but I need more strength because of the children. I know you know what I mean.


Later on that week H popped by again. That’s twice he’s come by recently without there being a reason. I was still dressed this time thankfully but this time I didn’t have any make up on! Nothing I could do but I owned it, my skin is quite good when I’m running I always think so just hoped I didn’t look too bad. He did keep looking at me but I guess that’s better than him ignoring me. Ha ha.

He said he had been away with work (as MIL said) and had been interviewed as there is a reorg going on. He didn’t do well in the interview and said his boss had told him this so he said to me he didn’t know what that meant for his job. He may get another interview this week. I wish he could get settled in his job like he has been for the past 25+ years when he did really well. He could do with a bit of luck there. I thought about it a lot afterwards. Hopefully he’ll not completely lose his job but he doesn’t feel valued at all. MLC won’t be helping I guess.

The next morning I did a run and was still thinking about it. I decided I would text him as he said he was talking with his boss that afternoon and I thought I would give him a bit of support. I wasn’t sure obviously as it’s not something that fits well in this situation but on balance after him talking with me about it the night before I thought it was important for me to feel I had supported him from afar, just a little. I didn’t know how he would react, if at all, but I was something I did for myself mainly.

So I sent a text saying good luck talking with his boss and that I know H knows he has lots of strengths given the right environment. (Just realised it ties in with my thread word - strong!) It wasn’t condescending more just to bring this thought to the top of his mind rather than starting the convo at the point of failing the interview. So it was one sentence then I added in an achievement S had had that morning just to balance it.

He replied straight away saying ‘thanks’ and that he had spoken with him and he was happy. I thought he meant his boss but it turns out he meant S! H had already called S to see how the school event had gone so that was pretty good from that point of view. As far as his boss call he had just said thanks. Better than no reply so fair enough.

Rose 🌹
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Our Community / Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 03:10:43 AM »
UM, you're going to love this one.

I'm a Peacemaker.  LOL
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Our Community / Re: Thread 33 - Wind Therapy Part 2
« Last post by Savoir Faire on Today at 02:46:57 AM »
It's a shock when you have a date to finalise the marriage you once loved.  Much worse of course for the LBS, as we are sane.  The MLCer THINKS they want out and are determined to get there one way or another.  I received my 'date' just before Christmas of 2016.  A guy came to the door and said "Were you expecting this?"  I was not.........

To be honest, it didn't have much impact and now I am glad because I am legally protected from xH and like you Ursa, IF the MLCers decide to get their head out of their......fog..... it will be a brand new start.  There's something comforting in that.  Just wait and see.

Takes a while for the new to sink in but you will be fine, as always.  You are wonderful Dad to your kids and you were a great husband to your wife, that's something there is no contest about.
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Our Community / Re: 28 Months in and all I want is peace.
« Last post by Whyus on Today at 02:45:53 AM »
Both Gigs went really well at the Weekend, 2 totally different occasions. A wedding and a townfair.
Saturday there were loads of People there that I knew, the location was only 500m from XW flat and we played open air, it was loud. If she and OM were home then they would have heard EVERYTHING  ;D.

A woman friend of XW and I who used to be with and old Drummer friend of ours approached me. "how are you? You look great. A couple of months back you looked unhealthy but now your perfect. Im enjoying being single again, I can do what I like and have alot of time. Shame, I heard that you have a new flame but it could have been fun!".... we small talked a Little but IF I WAS SINGLE then it would have snowballed and it would have been fun :o. Enough of that already....  ::)

K and I are going to Belgium for a Festival on Thursday and coming back on Monday. Last week S19 told me that he had cocked up the Dates and is also away Saturday and Sunday, hence no Dogsitter. I told him to work it out with his mam, he had enough notice and im sick of him just being a daydreamer.
Last night I asked him if XW had agreed to have the dog. "She hasnt answered yet", "When did you ask her?", "A week ago, I'll call her now"...... I still havent heard anything!!!! What a pair of Tools, hes nearly as bad as her and if he carries on im throwing him out! I told him so yesterday, hes so lazy that K is starting to comment about "not being his cleaning Lady, hes an adult"... she is right, he is.
I would never tell him this but cleaning up after the Boys (and Dogs) was ONE of the main Things which pissed XW off before the Bomb dropped! Thats why she wanted to be alone, she left the Boys as much as she left me. It's just that they decided to stay friends with her and I didnt!
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Our Community / Re: One day's journey to Acceptance
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 02:42:17 AM »
One Day and Treasur, two wonderful, thought provoking posts.   :)  Thank you.

Now I have to go look up Enneagram.  Never heard of it before.
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