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Author Topic: My Story Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage  (Read 4056 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #90 on: December 08, 2018, 07:22:12 AM »
Honey you have to realize everything he is saying is script.  He's in a crisis.  Just know that.

Low Energy Wallowers usually aren't mean and do no spend money wildly, that is why they confuse us so much.

I felt like you, that maybe it wasn't a MLC, but it is.

The majority of them don't find a ow/om.  It's more fantasy with them. 

Just leave him be and when you do interact just be friendly and light.  No serious conversation.
He will take a long time to come through this so taking care of yourself is essential.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #91 on: December 08, 2018, 07:25:45 AM »
Thunder,
Isn’t it better to just move on? It seem so wrong to put yourself in a situation that just keep making you suffer :'(
I don’t know how much I can carry on like this for a man that gave up in our family. I’m so grateful for this forum it helps me so much. Thank you for taking the time.
I have had better days but I often think of giving up. I don’t want another man I just don’t want to see my son crying, I don’t want to wonder, to hurt and suffer. It that wrong?
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #92 on: December 08, 2018, 08:25:32 AM »
Of course it's better for you to move on.  People who stand for their marriage also move on with their life.  I'm not talking about another relationship, you're not ready for that, but just make your life the best I can be and let him go twist in the wind and do what he is going to do.

There is no guarantee he will come back and you should not waste your life waiting.

If it happens and you are in a strong place, then it will be your choice whether you want him back or not.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online One day at a time

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #93 on: December 08, 2018, 11:07:40 AM »
LBS, I really feel for you.. I'm not long into this so I understand how confusing and hurtful all this is. My H is a wallower, he spent months at home wallowing, saying he was unhappy, life had no purpose.. He completely withdrew from me, he started lying and traveled half across the world to see a girl he met in a business trip, he said nothing happened, I'm not sure but he came back and she's still very far away.. The more time that goes on, I actually think it was more fantasy than anything else.. They did talk non stop over text but I don't think there's an actual plan to get together..

In March my H also decided he was done.. But he wanted to stay at home and do whatever he wanted.. After a few weeks, I asked what his plans were.. he had none.. I asked him to move out because his behavior was really affecting me. There was no monster at this stage, he was very nice, he cooked for me, waited for me every evening to have our night coffee with "something nice" and had nice gestures like mailing me about stuff he knew I would be interested in, etc.. It was so confusing my emotional health was not great. Eventually I told him he needed to go.. That he had made a decision and he needed to experience the consequences and I needed space to absorb what was happening. He reluctantly agreed and I do believe he struggled leaving but every time I asked, he was 100% sure he had made the right decision so...

He has been gone 7 months and he has been nothing but nice to me. A couple of weeks ago I rang him with a problem (which I had never done before) and he came and stayed 3 hours to fix it.. When we discussed financials, we came up with an agreement that benefits me more than him, all his idea.. All of this is very unusual for an MLCer and I often question MLC, I think to a degree, we all do.

So... I just wanted to give you a view of my situation as there are some similarities in our stories.. But my question to you is... what does it mean to move on for you? I understand you don't want to see you son suffering but what can you do differently? I guess I decided very early on that I wouldn't let him take me down with him.. he wanted freedom, a new life.. so I lovingly stepped to the side and stopped fighting against something I couldn't control. I'm still madly in love with my H and I'm willing to forgive and forget but he has to want to come home for any of that to happen.

I still have hope but I'm trying to rebuild my life without him in it. I'm not consciously trying to move on but I'm trying my best to enjoy life, whatever way I can. I'm far from feeling whole again or consider a relationship with someone else. But that might come at some point in the future.. I hope my H finds his way back to me before that happens... There's nothing wrong with wanting a better life for you..

There are people in this forum who really "trust the process" and they feel that if they are patient enough, their spouses will come back. There's other people who clearly say there are no guarantees so you really need to live your life as if he's never coming back. You need to decide what's the right thing for you.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #94 on: December 08, 2018, 11:16:39 AM »
One day,
I appreciate you taking your time to talk to me so much! Thank you very much.
I guess when I say moving in I mean giving up in my marriage and getting a divorce. I’m having a hard time being at home and living without him here. I feel like if I got a divorce it would be closure for me. My husband also never been mean to me, but the limbo is suffocating. I don’t know how to feel better or how to enjoy life. I think about it all day and night. It is so confusing because he does say that he loves me and wants to be home. He says that he regrets leaving.
I wonder if I moved out of my marital home if I would feel better but I don’t want him here if I’m not here.... I’m so lost.
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #95 on: December 08, 2018, 01:00:09 PM »
LBS

This is awful isn’t it. I would say live one day at a time and see how it goes. Just survive today, be kind to yourself and think of your H as in therapy getting help and so he can’t be there today. Then do the same tomorrow.

See how that goes for a few days without thinking too far ahead.

Keep coming on here and getting it out of you,
Thinking of you
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online One day at a time

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #96 on: December 08, 2018, 01:59:08 PM »
LBS, it is very hard and limbo is painful and confusing. You sound like your emotions are running high and this is not a good state of mind to make drastic decisions.. When all of this kicked off, I was seriously considering living the country and start somewhere else new... But I realized I was only thinking of running because I felt so bad.. But we see that in our spouses, they run and run and run.. It doesn't fix it.

Do you have any hobbies? Do you have friends you can go out with, even for coffee so you can start doing things for yourself? I know your son needs you but you really need to find some time for yourself as well so you can find small moments of joy.. And if you feel better, it will also help your son.

Just to give you a few examples.. Last summer I painted the garden shed. It was a lot of work and I did it alone. I got a lot of satisfaction out of it and it showed I can do things I have never done before. That gave me confidence.  One day I went to meet friends for lunch and I cried all the way in the car because I was doing it alone (I used to meet these friends with H) but I went. The lunch was not 100% perfect as I was triggered by some of the conversations but I was proud of myself for pushing my own limits and actually doing things for myself.. And as months went by, I started doing more and more. Today, I decided I was going to put up the Christmas tree.. I live alone but I did it for me. I put some music on and I sang and danced as I was putting the decorations on.

It won't be easy or fast but if you try to find maybe one small thing each day, it doesn't have to be anything extremely exciting.. just something you might enjoy.. You might not get a lot joy tomorrow, or the next day.. but if you keep trying, slowly you will feel better. Don't forget that a lot of us have walked or are walking in your shoes.

We are here for you!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #97 on: December 08, 2018, 10:55:35 PM »
Lbs1, you are still very early on. For a reference, I didn't actually start feel "normal" until about 2 tears on, and him being moved out for 6 mobths. Mine wallower at home for 18 months. I thought I was doing ok, but I was simply existing. And worse since I hid in my room from him, I also didn't often interact with my son during the time I was in my room.

Mine replayed for a short amount of time until he figured out he looked like an idiot around other people. Getting drunk while out with people at 41 looks pretty odd when no one else is doing that. Mine also brought me slurpees and sub sandwiches. Right after BD, mine screamed at me for three days, accusing me of things I'd never done. Then replay for a short while where "he could do what he wanted". Then calling and telling me when he'd  be home. Then lying about where he was. Then screaming at me for daring to ask a simple question. Then, then,then...it's like he was trying on personalities for size. Then one day, 18 months along, he HAS to move out. 2 weeks later, he's gone.

6 months after that, I felt human again. I didn't realize what having him around was doing to me, but I felt the relief when he was gone.

I was a person who stood until. My until was the divorce (while came 3 years after BD). Now I live my life my way. I rather like it. I'm sad that all this happened,  I have no idea who the guy with my XHs face is. He's no one I like or have any desire to be around. I don't rule out ever getting back together, but im not waiting on it either. He'd have to bring something worthwhile to the table. You will have to decide what is best for you.

Do you need a divorce to move forward?  Can you manage without one? Is not having one stopping you from takung care of you and your needs?Are you anxious to find someone else? Do you want to wait for your H?

Write a list of what you need to be a functional human being. Then another of what you need to be contented. And a last one of what would be ideal.Figure out if a separation or divorce would be in your best interest, emotionalky, financially and physically. Then think on it a while before making any decisions.

And always, take care of you, get out and about, do things you like. This is very upsetting, and confusing. Be kind to yourself.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online Treasur

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #98 on: December 09, 2018, 12:47:12 AM »

Write a list of what you need to be a functional human being. Then another of what you need to be contented. And a last one of what would be ideal.Figure out if a separation or divorce would be in your best interest, emotionalky, financially and physically. Then think on it a while before making any decisions.

And always, take care of you, get out and about, do things you like. This is very upsetting, and confusing. Be kind to yourself.

Have to say my experience was pretty much as OR says.

And her advice is really sound. Unfortunately nothing right now is going to restore 'normal service' or magically make you feel better.
We get pruned hard by this experience.

So, baby steps, focus on the essentials as OR says and give yourself kind time to breathe and think well before you make big decisions that you can't unmake. You may decide they are necessary, and that's ok too, but it is very hard to think wisely when we are overwhelmed by chaos and confusion.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Lbs1Topic starter

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Re: Acceptance stage two- revisiting stage
« Reply #99 on: March 04, 2019, 10:02:21 AM »
Hello Everyone!
I hope you are having a great day.
I decided to tell you a little bit about what is going on in my life right now... It seems like almost all LBS disappears after her husband start to return from the tunnel.
I have been watching my husband slow process of returning from the tunnel for a few months now and I wanted to share with you what it looked like.
Back in June 2018, I discovered some texts and calls to/from a coworker and I got agitated. I filed for divorce in a fit of anger and that triggered him to move forward.
I suspect my husband is a wallower as it took him almost 7 years to leave the house during replay. His replay behavior was nothing like described in many articles. He was very mild and after I filed for divorce I started to watch him coming out of the tunnel. Many have told me that my husband was not in a midlife crisis because he started to return too soon after the bomb drop but I completely disagree. I think all of us can learn more from each other's experiences and so I wanted to share with you what is happening to me so you can gain more insight on the different ways the Male Midlife Crisis can develop.

Once I filed for divorce he entered a deep depression stage that all of us could see, he mentioned regretting leaving us and that he didn't want a divorce.
He went back and forth from rebellion to mildness for months and I'm now finally seeing what look like my husband again.
There was definitely marital problems that needed to be addressed and he had valid complaints, but we are finally talking about them and trying to communicate again. I will keep posting here so you can gain more understanding of different situations.
There is hope if there is Love!

 

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