Author Topic: My Story  Growth For A New Half Century  (Read 2406 times)

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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My Story Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #80 on: February 10, 2019, 01:24:06 PM »
No offense taken, Learning.

I have been taking the path of least resistence for years. Lets see how things go.  Mr J is angry because things aren't good in his life and within himself. Why, I don't know.

...............

Been going through stuff in my bedroom and found the boxes with letters. There are many from Mr J, mostly from the late 80's, but not only. There are tons from when we start dating and the following years.

He was not who he become in MLC. At 17 he was gentle, caring, well read, intelligent. He like music, poetry, art, graphic design, and philosophy. We told each other everything about ourselves and our families. Mr J didn't like FIL philandering and detested FIL steady OW (the one he become fine with a few years ago). He though cheaters were horrible and deserved to be punished. There no mention of djing or clubbing, aside from mentioning he didn't like clubs one bit. He also never stand smokers of being in smoke filled places. As a DJ, he often his.

At a point in 1987 (I was 18, he was 17), my family thought I was pregnant - I felt sick, strong smells upseted me, etc - tuns out I had jaundice. What did 17 years old Mr J do? "We will raise the child well and healthy". He didn't run, got scared or tried to say he wasn't responsible. His younger self, never, ever turned away from difficult situation. He was a very responsible kid, than man. As a teen he would always got very tided towards the end of the school year and needed rest at his maternal grandmother's countryside home.

Where did the MLC version got the enery to lead the MLC crisis, let alone for so long? I don't know.

Was it all a bed of roses all the time? Of course not. We were in our teens. Later, we had the same issues all couples face.

But we always talked about things and always made changes and didn't gave up. Until ...

It is very strange to read his old letters when one has been dealing with the MLC for many years.

Acorn, if you're reading, maybe you have some idea where the real Mr J is hidding. Anyone else's input is also welcomed.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Treasur

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #81 on: February 10, 2019, 01:41:20 PM »
My only thought is that I am sorry that you lost what sounds like a fine, interesting man of integrity. Sad. Perhaps the letters were a bittersweet reminder of what was Real. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #82 on: February 10, 2019, 02:26:44 PM »
Anjae, a couple of years ago, I also read my H's letters to me when we were young and it was a good thing. It proved/reminded me that my H did love me once, that he was a gentle man before.

Interesting that you say that at 18 your H was much more mature and determined than he is now. I think that is what MLC is about, a regression, therefore a regression in maturity, too, until he works through whatever it was that blocked him when just a kid.

Your H insisting on DJaying at his age when you say he hated smoke filled places, hated clubs and here he is in these places every night, feels significant to me. Like it holds some key, either because it is a total escapism place therefore still running from RL (whatever RL age that would be), or there was something about discos when he was a teenager, related to when his dad was cheating. DId his dad go to discos?

My H's dad cheated on his mother and when I met my H he refused to meet the OW, and did until his dad's death at 80. And yet here he is doing the exact same thing he was so hurt by, so against, and worse because my H forced my S to meet his OW. My H's dad did not force him. I do believe that this not breaking the chain that your H and mine have done, history repeating is significant. I don't know how or what or if they will get through it.

I believe your H's DJaying allows him to not have to think of RL. He will eventually be too old for it. I can't imagine how he will feel then. Still, there's something going on in your H's life right now.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
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OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline serenity

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #83 on: February 11, 2019, 12:43:17 AM »
Hello Anjae


I think all you can be sure of here is that there’s definitely something happening in Mr J’s world. Maybe it is all starting to implode and unravel! No one can keep going at the pace he has been going at for years. Like you start he’s now looking dreadful and bloated. None of this sounds like a happy and contended man who’s at peace with his world!

Just wait and watch - it’s all you can do

Hugs

X

Online Treasur

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #84 on: February 11, 2019, 01:43:28 AM »
Or even better, don't wait and don't watch  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #85 on: February 11, 2019, 08:19:42 AM »
Oh, Anjae, I feel a bit of your wistfulness across the cyberspace...

I doubt that anyone can answer where pre-MLC spouse is hidden away.   

The following questions that many LBSs ask don’t have any answers either.  I asked them myself repeatedly. 

- How could a person change so much?
- Were MLC traits always within the MLCer, waiting for the right time to pop out and this is their authentic selves?
- Why do they stay in their miserable state?
- Are they really miserable or is that our wishful thinking?
- What does it take for them to step out the fog?  Is there such a thing as rock bottom? 

There are more but you get the gist of it.

As I declare often, I can only go by my observations of one MLCer who has had/is having a whirlwind tour to MLC.  I guess my H occupies one end of the spectrum and Mr. J, Mr. xyzcf, etc., at the other, as far as the MLC time span is concerned. 

There is one thing I know for sure and I mention it because you have shared what a mature and responsible person Mr.J used to be from very young age and until MLC hit.

H was all of that, too, and that meant that he missed most of the teenager ‘adventures’, good and bad.  He was far too busy being responsible for his demanding studies, being a good son, a good believer, a good citizen, etc., etc.   He simply didn’t have time or opportunities just to be a teenager. 

H’s replay activities were something he might have done if he had followed a somewhat typical course of teenagehood - irresponsibility, rebelliousness, experimenting, impetuosity.  H’s wild replay looked as though he busted out of the prison of responsibilities and integrity, and he just let his hair down and became ‘wild’.   He could ‘better’ do the teenage days because he could afford fancy cars, etc. 

Mind you, I was a well behaved teenager, just like H, but I have not regretted it at all.  I’m thankful I bypassed all that nonsense.  Therein lies the difference between H and me in regards to MLC.  I didn’t wish to revisit my teenage years but H did, albeit unconsciously.


It sounds to me Mr. J was too good to be true as a teenager and beyond, and missed the ‘wild’ part of growing up.

Is he ever going to get in touch with his pre-MLC self?  Does he have the courage and persistence to reclaim his sensibility, integrity and an adult way of living?  Is he staying in the replay phase because he can?  Is this perfectly good enough way of living for him?

I asked these questions all the time...  Now I have answers but others don’t. 


We cannot answer any of that... 

Sorry, I asked more questions and no answers.   I’m afraid that’s what MLC is - so many questions and no clear answers.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 08:30:00 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #86 on: February 11, 2019, 01:52:18 PM »
Hi Treasur, Milly, Serenity and Acorn.

Treaur, reading the letters was not bittersweat. It was nice and gentle. But I didn't felt like "I love him so much" or "the love of my life". Just like if I was reading the letters of two teens. There is an interesting distance.

But, is the lost, lost forever, or "if it is lost it can be found"? More time will tell, I guess.

I am "waiting" in the sense of detached curiosity. It is interesting to see will things unfold from a case study perspective.

Milly, Mr J was 17, I was 18. FIL didn't go to discos. There is a regression. Why and to what age, I don't know. Or what looks like a regression, including in style of writing, may be the effects of the MLC depression. 

Strange, isn't it, how some MLCers repeat the wrongs of their parents. With Mr J is more then history repeating. FIL was (is?) a philanderer, he didn't had a MLC and never caused the financial and other damages Mr J caused. Cheating is horrible, but MLC is a different thing.

Mr J djing, clubbing and MLC lifestyle do allow him not to think of what he has done, etc. He has said as much himself.

Serenity, there is something going on in Mr J's world for more than 12 years. He hasn't been happy since before BD. He was depressed before he left. He managed to look like his normal self until the first half of 2009. From then onwards it was more or less, or worst, than he looks now. He has been looking like this for almost 10 years.

He is not at peace with himself. No MLCer is.

The thing with Mr J, and other long time, or very long time MLCers, is how long they manage to carry on with crazy.


Acorn, it could be said Mr J missed normal teenage things. But if so, it was by his own choice. No one told him he had to be into the things he was and be the way he was. He could had been like most teens if he wished to. He never wanted to. He was not forced to have his, or ours, creative projects, to date me, etc. He choose to.

Don't think he could be made to be what he wasn't. I am not even sure he misses teenage stuff. He does not seem to like his MLC life. I know when I had my mini, mild MLC, the things I did had nothing to do with missing them when I was young. And, if anything, I had far more responsability than Mr J as a teen. I had 5 small kids to look after, then, at 22, 6. Plus, when I started dating Mr J, our creative things.

Maybe that is the reason, maybe it is not. Lets say it is. More than 12 years doing it? No teenager spends that much time doing teenager things, let alone the same thing.


The irony is that MLC Mr J end up with far more responsability and expenses than pre-MLC Mr J. The MLC version has: full time job, DJing, radio show, record label and working for another record label, dead expensive fancy flat, lots of social commitments etc.

Is he ever going to get in touch with his pre-MLC self?  Does he have the courage and persistence to reclaim his sensibility, integrity and an adult way of living?  Is he staying in the replay phase because he can?  Is this perfectly good enough way of living for him?

I don't know. I know he can change and grow. He did for all the time we were together. And, of course, he changed into the MLC self. He can probably stay in the Replay phase forever. However, he does not like that life. It is also obvious he is not a happy, fulfilled man.

But, is it really a case of having missed things when young? I don't think so. At least it is not for everyone. I know a few real life MLCers who missed nothing as teens, in a couple of cases they took the teen/young adult lifestyle well into their 20's, up to early 30's. They are having, or had, a MLC.


"- How could a person change so much?" - MLC depression.

"- Were MLC traits always within the MLCer, waiting for the right time to pop out and this is their authentic selves?" - The MLC person is not the authentic self. If it was, MLCers would not revert to normal. Were the MLC traits inside and blew with MLC? Maybe, maybe not. Depression causes many changes. Drinking and lack of sleep also so. Mr J MLC self includes all three.

"- Why do they stay in their miserable state?" - I don't know.

"- Are they really miserable or is that our wishful thinking?" - They are. It ends up showing physically, no happy person treats people the way they treat LBS, does the things MLCers do. Out of the fog MLCers never say they were happy while in there. They talk of darkeness, etc.

"- What does it take for them to step out the fog?  Is there such a thing as rock bottom?" - I don't know. There is such a thing as rock bottom, but it does not seem to hit all MLCers. Or, if it does, it is different from MLCer to MLCer.´

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #87 on: February 11, 2019, 01:59:05 PM »
A lot to unpack here, Anjae.  I need to read it again to absorb it all but just wanted to say the following quote was exactly my H as well.

Quote
Acorn, it could be said Mr J missed normal teenage things. But if so, it was by his own choice. No one told him he had to be into the things he was and be the way he was. He could had been like most teens if he wished to. He never wanted to. He was not forced to have his, or ours, creative projects, to date me, etc. He choose to.   
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #88 on: February 11, 2019, 02:36:07 PM »
Will be looking forward to read you, Acorn.

Allow me to add:

a) some of the real life MLCers who didn't miss a thing when young lead the full sex, drugs, drink & rock'n'roll lifestyle, in one case literally since he was a rock photographer.

b) my cousin who had MLC was like Mr J and your husband. Cousin's reason was age. His friends had this that and those and, at age 37, he only had X.

c) Mr J said at BD that he only had now to do "this (this was never explained"). Afterwards things would go back to normal, including us being a couple. He wanted my help him to do "this". "This" and "now" have been going on for more than 12 years.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #89 on: February 11, 2019, 05:16:05 PM »
I must say Mr.J is an enigma. 
What I shared about my H and his ‘missing’ teenage experiences is the only possible explanation I could offer.  I was a good girl and didn’t get up to any mischief.  I worked hard at school and practiced piano.  I don’t feel that I missed out on anything.  H also focused on studies and didn’t think that he missed out anything till he hit MLC and he changed his mind about it.   He proceeded to do something about his missing bits of teenage years in a most drastic and destructive way. 

Who knows what made Mr.J get into crisis and seemingly stuck in Replay... 
My grandma would say he got himself into a hole and cannot get out of it - His feet are stuck in the mud and the mud dried around his feet.  That’s no way to live according to your description of his present life.  I hope he can find a bucket of water to soften the mud and get himself unstuck and crawl out of the hole.  I really do. 
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 05:27:56 PM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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