Author Topic: My Story  Growth For A New Half Century  (Read 2643 times)

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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My Story Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #100 on: April 17, 2019, 03:52:45 PM »
Champions League quarter-finals done and FCP, my home team is out. Liverpool was much, much better. Now, bring on the final Liverpool-Barcelona, never mind that there are other two teams still standing.  ::) ;D

Just writing down some things I noticed with Mr J. I have no idea what they mean, but they are different.

He is back to cut his hear regularly. A thing he did before MLC and for a while after he left, but had put aside for years. He never had his hair long, just let it grow more than usual. Same with the beard.

Mr J and OW1 are back in contact after 11 years and a few months since they broke. There has not been contact between them before. They are all over Facebook, posting to each other, including comments that involve lots of hearts. For the most part the comments say nothing, just hearts.

No idea if it more than just silly stuff, if OW1 is still married - she married years ago, if OW2 really returned a couple of months ago or where Mr J is currently living. He seemed to be moving in February.

Whatver, he is still in MLC, still djing, still attached to his djing and clubbing friends and other MLC friends.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #101 on: April 18, 2019, 09:40:14 AM »
Quote
They are all over Facebook, posting to each other, including comments that involve lots of hearts. For the most part the comments say nothing, just hearts.

It's a sign of a very true, deep, and mature relationship. LOL

Anjae, based upon your timeline and I look at mine as well, is it possible to conclude there is a change or MLCers will never emerge from their tunnels?

Just asking,

(((hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #102 on: April 18, 2019, 12:04:07 PM »
Quote
They are all over Facebook, posting to each other, including comments that involve lots of hearts. For the most part the comments say nothing, just hearts.   

You sure you are not talking about your little nephew?  ;D
It makes me squirm just to read about 💕😍🥰
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #103 on: April 18, 2019, 05:11:21 PM »
It's a sign of a very true, deep, and mature relationship. LOL

Isn't it? Think they're 10 or something.  ::)

Anjae, based upon your timeline and I look at mine as well, is it possible to conclude there is a change or MLCers will never emerge from their tunnels?

Both, Ready. When all of us old timers come to HS, RCR had MLC at 2-5 years. Time showed us that MLC lasts for more than 5 years. Stayed has a friend whose husband showed up 9 years after he left and Savoir Faire has a friend whose husband is coming out of MLC after 15 years and reconnecting with his LBS.

My view always was that most MLCers get out of MLC, but the most couples will not reconcile because the LBS will not want to for a number of reasons. If I think most MLCers get out of MLC, a few never will.

There is change with Mr J. The regular hair cuts, starting using my name again since early 2016, even OW1 back in the picture after 11 years of no contact. He is still in the tunnel, but something is shifting. What, I do not know.

You sure you are not talking about your little nephew?  ;D

My little 18 months nephew? Think he still does not know how to use Facebook ...  ;) ;D ;D ;D The 13 years old one seems to prefer playstation and computer/mobile games to such saccharine stuff. Now, my liffle female 10 years old second cousin likes that sort of things. It is how she and her girlfriends write. Maybe we can conclude Mr J and OW1 are both two 10 years old girls?  ::) ;D ;D ;D ;D

It makes me squirm just to read about 💕😍🥰

Those emojis, Acorn.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I laugh more than I squirm. It is so ridiculous. And what comes to mind is my 10 years old second cousin. Who is going to spend the night and maand is being a riot. She is 10, so she is allowed.  :)
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 05:12:57 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline kikki

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #104 on: April 19, 2019, 04:13:45 PM »
Hi Anjae
Thought I'd bring your question over to your thread :)  The boys are all doing well thanks.  S#1 is living and working in Australia, but is back for a holiday and his graduation.
S's # 2 and 3 are still here and doing well.  More out than at home these days though with work and social lives/girlfriends.

S#3 went through what his brothers went through when they were 20-21ish.  Extreme sadness about the limited ability of their Dad to connect to them and to be a functioning parent. They all did a lot of comparing how he acts to how their friend's dads act.  It's been a bit of a process, but like us all, they kind of come to some sort of acceptance that this is how things are.

By all accounts their Dad looks pretty miserable unless he's on a high from a recent work project or the incessant overseas work trips.

12 years, such a very long time for you.  I know this is a bit like hitting your head against a brick wall, but is there any way you can come to an agreement between you both?  We found a round table with our accountant of all people, got things wrapped up.  It was a safe place that was also 'public' (in their offices).  The lawyers then drafted up the agreement that we had written during the round table.
It of course all needed to be framed as a benefit to the MLCer, otherwise he would never have agreed to it.  They seem to love inflicting trauma and finalising an agreement takes that power away from them.

The real benefit was to myself.  Being able to distance myself from the MLC triangulation has enabled me to detach enormously and to not be as triggered by the trauma that we all went through.

Wishing you all the very best Anjae

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #105 on: April 19, 2019, 05:02:05 PM »
Hi Kikki,

Thank you for the news on the boys. Glad to know they are doing well.

It may be possible to have some agreement between us. Not sure how it would went. In February I got monster again when I told Mr J he had sold joing property without consulting me and that he had to give me half the money. He was nast and awful.

I will not be in any round table with Mr J. Whatever way it will be done, it will be at a distance.

In acouple of weeks I will try to start to sort things by the easiest ones, poster art and big art pieces. I do not want any of the poster art, a thing I already let Mr J knew. He will have to give half the value of the joint one and the full money of the one that is just money, there are some pieces that are also only his. I will sent an e-mail about the matter.

And will again ask for half the money of our joint items he sold in February. Problem is I have no idea for how much he sold them. These things are big and few. The thousands of records, book and material that have cultural and historical value on top of its real one are a headache. Mr J says he lost several, but never supplied a list of what was lost. I asked again in February, no reply.

The big money Mr J owns me he is not ready for it and that if for lawyers, it is not assets based, but in legal issues regarding marriage and adultery. An accountant will not deal with those. I have an idea of a figure, but it will have to be legally backed.

Ah, yes, have to frame it as a benefit for the MLCer. Not sure how that would be, because he is the one who has to pay, which is not seen as a benefit to him. I do not want to go down the blackmail route. It is ugly and it does not suit me. I don't want to have to get to the point where it will be told, you either pay or everyone will be let know you are a domestic abuser. He will love face, DJ sets, etc. And it may backfire big time. And it is low, dirty and ugly.

All the best to you as well, Kikki.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline kikki

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #106 on: April 19, 2019, 05:08:37 PM »
Hi Anjae
The not wanting to lose face was exactly the reason I cottoned onto the fact that he is always much better behaved when there is someone else in the room. 
Emails they can ignore or monster at you.
I kick myself for not understanding this pattern much earlier on.

At a round table, in front of someone else, they are not willing to do so and appear to want to be the good guy.

Quote
The big money Mr J owns me he is not ready for it and that if for lawyers, it is not assets based, but in legal issues regarding marriage and adultery. An accountant will not deal with those. I have an idea of a figure, but it will have to be legally backed.
Do you mind me asking why the wait for dealing with this?
Likely has something to do with your laws, but this protracted timeframe can't be positive for your health and wellbeing.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2019, 05:10:07 PM by kikki »

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #107 on: April 19, 2019, 05:40:03 PM »
Kikki, there has been someone else in the room, our lawyers and even judges. Nothing was solved.

They can ignore e-mails, but mine are always Bcc to my lawyer.

Have you forgot that there has been two court divorce cases, plus my request for temporary alimony (that the judge denied because Mr J needed to lead a dignified life  ::)), plus talks between the lawyers, plus my suggestion for mediation early 2008, that Mr J did not want, plus I don't know how many other things? And that Mr J didn't show to several court appointments and was fined by the court? He even skiped meetings with his lawyers.

He does not care if he looks bad. If he did, he would had accepted to divorce early on when judges were involved and he was face to face with them and the lawyers.

I will really not seat with him on a round table or any other place. There will be no face to face.

It is far healthier for me not to have deals of any sort with Mr J than try to have any. My anxiety and stress were through the roof when there were talks, courts, etc. Since I said no more courts, etc. my anxiety and stress reduced a lot.

The simple idea of having to seat in a room with Mr J, even if other people are present, leaves me ill and shaking. It will not happen. I do not want to see him and I have the right of not want to see him. E-mailing is bad enough.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline kikki

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #108 on: April 19, 2019, 06:07:49 PM »
We each need to do what is best for us Anjae. 
No, I haven't forgotten the process you have been through.  It has been horrendous. 
Hoping for resolution for you, but it's not making sense to me how that is going to happen.
Not meaning to offend you Anjae. 
If you know how you will achieve that, then that is all that matters.

As before, I wish you all the very best in achieving that resolution.
hugs Kikki

Offline AnjaeTopic starter

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Re: Growth For A New Half Century
« Reply #109 on: April 19, 2019, 06:18:41 PM »
I don't know if I will achieve that. It was something that I had almost forgot until I saw Mr J selling joint things. In time, it may all get sorted out.

Dealing with Mr J remains very bad for me. SIL would be a possibility, but Mr J does not want her as the go-between.

Mr J knows why I do not want to meet him face to face and understands and accepts it. That is progress.

Maybe when Mr J crisis calms down a bit more it will be easier. I will send the e-mails about those art pieces with no expectations. We have to start somewhere.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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