Author Topic:  Healthy Grudges  (Read 256 times)

Offline forthetreesTopic starter

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Online in it

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Re: Healthy Grudges
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2019, 12:02:38 PM »

Sweeping bad behavior under the rug and pretending it didn’t happen will only expose you to more of the same. A lively grudge can both console and validate — it can create space for you to acknowledge that something bad happened to you, and that it matters.


Love this article- and this part I can closely relate to. And whomever tries to get you to sweep it under the carpet is indeed setting you up for more mistreatment if YOU allow it.
Or if you do it yourself. Dismiss or make light of what happened or don't even address it. They end up with no respect for you and will do it again.

That's why you have to decide just how harmful to you what they did was. Then readjust the your behavior accordingly

Thank you FTT
« Last Edit: January 02, 2019, 12:47:47 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Healthy Grudges
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2019, 12:21:58 PM »
I can't say I call them grudges, but I definitely agree with the intent. Drunk Fred throws up on my shoes, I wouldn't hold a grudge or have ill will towards him, but I'd certainly learn from it and put a boundary in place. It's more like a learning experience to me.

Can anyone think of a true grudge (a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.) that might be useful? I have nothing off the top of my head.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2019, 12:23:40 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Healthy Grudges
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2019, 01:30:34 PM »
Wow,

Took the quiz and found out I have a 10 carat grudge against ex-Mrs. Ready. Advised to break off all contact with her forever. Yep!

I think a healthy grudge is good to protect yourself. I think it becomes unhealthy if you use the grudge to justify bad behavior on your part.

While I hold a grudge, I have never done any intentional harm to my ex. I paid all my payments and support to her. I never hid stuff from her or tried to hurt her. Not worth it. But I still have a grudge.

My Dad tells me that I need to forgive my ex. However, I told him that I am not ready for that at this time. I am not going to make some grandiose statement. Just will listen to my heart and know.

Great article,

((((Hugs))))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Anjae

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Re: Healthy Grudges
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2019, 05:42:12 PM »
I don't call "Sweeping bad behavior under the rug and pretending it didn’t happen" a grudge and call it letting someone off the hook.

Holding grudges of any sort is not good or healthy. Helding someone accountable for their actions is logical and with it comes to MLCers, necessary.
« Last Edit: January 02, 2019, 06:34:37 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Healthy Grudges
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2019, 06:29:26 PM »
Yes and until they are held accountable (or are accountable on their own) for their actions my feelings are you actively do not allow them into your life at any level.
Therefore some people might call that a grudge.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Healthy Grudges
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2019, 07:54:56 PM »
Interesting, in it. I believe you are correct that some would call that a grudge.  But if you feel no ill will,  just don't want that toxicity in your life, that seems more along the lines of healthy boundaries. There is a reason the word Grudge holds a negative connotation, though. It has a negative definition because that is what the word means. The writer should have found a more accurate word, imo. Tomayto,  tomahto, I suppose.

The message was good, in any case. You don't allow poor behavior and pretend that it's ok, because it surely isn't. Learn from experience. Don't gloss over insensitive acts.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: Healthy Grudges
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2019, 08:28:00 PM »
Yes maybe the word grudge holds to negative a connotation.
That's true maybe that's what you'd call it if you held ill will
Nice to know you can have a healthy one that protects you.
Yep do something different if you are looking for a better outcome.
Any mistake repeated more than once is a choice. So don't choose to allow someone to treat you poorly they will continue to.

If you always do what you always did you'll always get what you always got.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

 

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