Author Topic: My Story They just don't understand 2  (Read 2932 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5234
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #90 on: May 10, 2019, 12:51:56 AM »
Hi Stand,

It's so good your MIL 'get's it'.  Her words will be a great support to you, as you definitely know now that your H is a victim of a poor childhood and these men will go into MLC at some stage.  I truly believe some men do not, even when their childhood was poor.  There is always a string of things which finally push these men into crisis.  Usually the death or illness of a parent, along with super stress from job/family or some other life disaster which pushes them over the edge.  Looking back I can see clearly what pushed my xH into this and there was nothing I could have done to stop it and you couldn't either.

MLC isn't exactly hereditary, but if your FIL had similar childhood experiences to your own H, it's going to end badly.  My FIL had a wonderful childhood and definitely no MLC.  It was my MIL, she was the cold woman who never liked my xH and told everyone she met he was a disappointment and she wished he was a a girl.  No wonder he's such a mess.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #91 on: May 10, 2019, 09:10:29 PM »
Savoir Faire,

  I had already known what my H went through as a child. He told me everything throughout our marriage. He has always had a very strong trust in me, I was his rock. I can still see it when he pays a visit. This may sound weird, but when H went into full blown crisis and I learned what was happening I was actually glad, relieved in a way. I felt that he will finally be forced to deal with all this that is locked inside.

  I hear that he has a pretty good support system around him with the men in his club. They are just patiently waiting this out. They know my stand and support from a fare. They gave me the best advice in the beginning. They told me that if I wanted my marriage then I need to not contact him. Didn't realize at the time what that meant. Boy, I sure know now. I also know that I am being watched. Thats ok with me.

  I'm really enjoying my GAL time. Right now I'm working on "me" issues. Why did I allow the things that my H did that made me uncomfortable. Things like his flirting, never celebrating our anniversary or my birthday, the all around disrespect he showed me...etc, etc. Why did I just let these things go. Why did I shut down. Today I would do it different. Boundaries would be set and punishments would happen. I would go to anniversary dinner and my birthday will be a priority over his tantrums. I would go alone and it won't be a problem. So I'm making a list of all the things that I put up with so I can see them through clear eyes, acknowledge them and tell myself "never again" If I'm not #1 in his life then he will be nothing to me. I can do it alone.

  I've heard from another that I'm thinking about what he is doing to much. 1. I want to stay ahead of this crisis, no surprises and 2. HB says that an LBS needs to always be ready for a return. I try to keep things tight on my side so I will be ready. He is my H and this is a crisis. I let him do what he needs to do and I'm making sure that I keep the homefront secure as best I can.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Songanddance

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5419
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #92 on: May 11, 2019, 12:59:27 AM »
Sounding good Stand.

Remember though this is a long process and I mean a looooooonnnnnggg process.

The best thing is to remove your expectations of a return - hope for one and get "battleship ready" by all means but expectations are worse when they are not met.

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2235
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #93 on: May 12, 2019, 11:32:32 AM »
Interesting to hear the similarities between husband and his father.

I wonder if he will follow suit and come running after you too. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #94 on: May 12, 2019, 02:11:48 PM »
Mortsbride,

  Of course we all know their are no guarantees of a return, But when he is with me he acts like he will return. It's in the things he says and the way he is still connected to me that makes me think he will. He has used terms like "we are seperated right now" or when i was talking about an issue my S and DIL had about my marriage and I told him that I had to tell them that this is our marriage and he is still my H and we are going through stuff right now and he agreed and said "ya, we are going through stuff right now and that it is none of their business."

   His attitude with what he says and the way he is very careful when talking to me, he says things slowly and thought out. He also seems to be taking the time to listen to me. We have been able to negotiate things together. Then he leaves on a good note and goes right back to the low contact and not as friendly.

  I've often wondered if he is talking to an IC. The last contact we had he started telling me about stress and what it can do to a body. For a minute I wondered who this man was. lol. It was nice to hear the change in him.  He is guided by a lot of men both at work and in his club that probably know the ins and outs of a MLC.

  I will just continue on with working on me and changing the way I address different situations. I'm trying to be able to slow my roll when I interact with people. I'm learning to zip it and listen and think before I respond. Learning how to negotiate different things is hard when you are not actively in a relationship, so I work on it with other people. Another thing I need to learn is how to defend myself in the right way. I don't want to be a pushover or a rug to be walked on. I really don't ever want to be treated like I don't matter again.

SongandDance,

  MLC does take a looong time and I get that and I accept that, but if us LBS do the work that we should be doing on ourselves then that looong time is really what we need to reach our goals too. I love seeing my H, but I'm nowhere near having him return right now. I still have so much work to do on me and I wouldn't want his return to get in the way of that.

As much as I hate that there is an ow, having her there keeps me from having to live the hell I was living the three years before BD2 came taking him away. I feel that I've come a long way since learning what a MLC is and that my H was going through one. This time really has been a gift.
(no expectations is always going through my mind)

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5234
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #95 on: May 13, 2019, 09:47:42 PM »
It's interesting your H told you about the problems with his childhood.  Mine never mentioned anything deep about growing up but did trust me implicitly.  I have always thought he would come out of crisis one day and for now, I continue to stand by that feeling.

Your H appears to have more insight than most which is a positive thing.  I hope your life continues on this path and you are one day able to be a proper family again.  Most of us want our H's to be whole again even if they don't come home.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #96 on: May 21, 2019, 10:27:54 PM »
So this song came across my FB today and I liked it so much I thought I would share.

  Look it up on youtube. Its by an artist named Kyle Davis and its called "Not Broken" Tell me what you think of it.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #97 on: May 23, 2019, 08:01:11 PM »
  So, I just finished reading a book called "It's NOT a Midlife Crisis  It's an Opportunity" by Andrew G. Marshall. Reading about the MLC side was a bit boring I think because I'm not going through a MLC. If you get the book read that side anyway. There is a section that hits on both sides as a couple. This is where I found a lot of great information on how to change the way that we interact with our spouse, or any future relationship.

  He covered things like comparative thinking V contemplative thinking. This gave me a whole new concept in the way I interact with my H. It really opened my eyes. He also went over Doing V Being, Tactical withdrawal, Being Assertive with each other, Passive V Domineering. Such good material to learn for yourself that can be used in everyday life.

  When I read these books I always take notes. Then I take this material and study it so I know what it truly means. Now I'm seeing that my biggest problem with learning these great new way to interact is that I don't have anyone to practice with. I only see H about every 6 - 8 weeks and really don't have any good conversations with anyone. As I'm GAL I want the new and improved me to come natural in my everyday life.

  I'm feeling like my detaching is coming along really well. I'm finding that at the end of the day I haven't been thinking about him much anymore. I have so many future plans that I have been getting into place that my thoughts on him are only a couple times a day.

  This coming weekend is the big campout for his club. All the families will be there. I've had nothing but negative thoughts about it. There really is nothing fun about it. You go out of state, sometime to places that would be really great to visit, but you can't leave the campground, and its not even a campground. Its a field in the middle of nowhere. There are no showers and only porta potty. Sure you hang out with your girlfriends as the guys are off doing their thing together. So you sit around for three days and talk about the girl who isn't sitting in the circle at the time. It's nothing but gossip, drama and alcohol all weekend. Looking back I just shake my head. As you can probably tell I'm not losing any sleep over not being included in this anymore.  ???

  Anyway, I hope everyone is enjoying their new lives like I am. I'm learning so much about myself and the changes that I have made and still need to make. I think...no, I know that I have finally let go and gave him fully to God.  :D

-Stand

 

 
     
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #98 on: May 25, 2019, 10:05:18 PM »
Milly,

Quote
Crossing my fingers that your H makes the May payment that will get the house out of foreclosure. That will be huge for your peace of mind.

  He made the May payment. My mind is now calm. Now I feel that it is my obligation to follow through with getting it rented like I agreed I would.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Stand TallTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 167
  • Gender: Female
Re: They just don't understand 2
« Reply #99 on: May 26, 2019, 12:14:35 AM »
Found this, thought I would share. For newbies who haven't accepted the role of the ow/om.

  https://thoughtcatalog.com/robbie-zimmer/2014/07/i-am-your-husbands-mid-life-crisis/

Kinda makes things feel slimy and gross.  :-[

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.