Author Topic: My Story  Husband is moving out  (Read 1457 times)

Offline OpheliaTopic starter

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My Story Husband is moving out
« on: January 15, 2019, 01:01:40 PM »
 ???Hi everyone this is my first time posting. I am glad to of found this forum!
 My story is very similar to a lot of the ones I have read here. My husband and I have been married for 18 years and we have had our ups and downs but last year he told me he was unhappy and said he wanted a divorce.

I was pretty stunned and devastated but managed to talk him into going to marriage counseling and after  six sessions I snooped around and found out that he was about to sign a lease on a very cosmopolitan penthouse apartment. I kicked him out of our house end it has only been two days but I’m feeling pretty good I think he is staying at a hotel until his apartment is available at the beginning of February.

I have spoken with the marriage counselor and he has told me that he thinks my husband is going through some kind of crisis and that I really shouldn’t take this  personally and that it has a lot more to do with his issues. In my heart of hearts I know this but it is still hard. The marriage counselor told me that we both love each other but that my husband doesn’t see a way forward and he is worried about him isolating himself.

Since he has left I’m surprise that I feel Relief I don’t know how long that will last. But for the last six months I have been walking on egg shells around him and he has been irritable and short with me and sometimes I feel like he thinks I’m attacking him when I’m just asking him a simple question.

I think his crisis started last year when our son who is our only child went away to boarding school. My husband‘s father was also very ill and passed away a few weeks ago add to that and incredibly stressful job and being burnt out and getting older and I think it is the perfect storm for an MLC. I just wanted to try to find some support here and hopefully I can be a help to some of you as well. Thank you for listening .

Edited for paragraph breaks, for easier reading. 
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 01:22:06 PM by Thunder »
I cant control the past,I can only control my future.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2019, 01:14:02 PM »
Sorry you are here, Ophelia, but welcome.
As I am sure you know from reading, it all sounds pretty textbook stuff.
How nice - and unusual - that your MC sees that it is about your h's crisis and not you or your marriage.
How old is your son?

Makes perfect sense that you feel you can breathe out a little after walking on eggshells and surrounded by that feeling of WTF.

How are you feeling about what you want to do right now?
How can we best support you?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2019, 01:29:56 PM »
Hi Ophelia.

Welcome.   :)

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.  You are going to need that to get through this.
None of this is about you, so please know that.

We are all here to support you.  Keep posting.
May I ask how old you two are?

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline serenity

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2019, 01:54:12 PM »
Hi Ophelia,

Your H certainly sounds like a classic MLC! Like you said you had the perfect storm happening with family events and that seems to certainly push them over the edge!

You sound lucky to have found a good and understanding counsellor. I never did - wasted a lot of money on counsellors that thought I was the problem and the one with issues!!

You’ll find lots of help and advice here

X

Offline OpheliaTopic starter

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2019, 01:59:11 PM »
Hi Treasure and Thunder and Serenity,

Sorry if i am not posting correctly,it took me 20 minutes just to figure out how to post my original post. Thanks so much for the speedy reply.

My H is 51 and i am 52 been married 19 yrs roughly. I was pretty suprised too that my MC also thought my H was having a crisis...he did say we needed to work on our communication but he said my H probably isnt or cant work on our marriage until he goes through whatever journey he has to go through and that he is emotionally shut down probably due to childhood stuff. He also thinks he may have a drinking problem. It made me feel like i am not crazy and that my efforts were not in vain in the sense that even though we may not reconcile there was nothing I could have done to make it better, he can only figure it out for himself. Its just a shame that he is breaking up a family to do it.

I am not by any means saying i am perfect, I knew when he dropped the bomb that i had to get a life, and started taking a spanish class and book club etc. so now we are 6 months in and I feel more able to handle things at least right now.  It helps immensely to read such similar stories and to feel connected and less alone. Its only been 2 DAYS since H moved out so I’m trying not to make any decisions because I know this is a marathon and not a sprint. Our MC is meeting with my H this thursday and said he is going to spell it out to my H that he is in a sense clueless and see if he wants to do. I honestly just think he needs to go off and do his thing, trying to put the cart before the horse wont work. And I am exhausted trying so hard to work on our M only for us to wind up at square one half a year later.  Right now I am going out with friends, having fun and my sister is coming to visit for 3 weeks. Now that my H is out of the house, i can do what i want,also have my two dogs who are great company, im just trying to be gentle with myself, feel the feelings and take it day by day.
I cant control the past,I can only control my future.

Offline in it

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2019, 03:32:13 PM »
Good it sounds like you have a really good handle on what you need to do for you. Self care..be kind to you. Nobody is perfect. And no, you are not crazy.
It does get exhausting to put all the effort in, and he's done very little in return.
Just make sure you take no abuse from him. You will need time to grieve and heal.
If the MC thinks he has a drinking problem you don't know how he may behave.

IMHO You deserve to be respected during this time especially by him. So if he starts any drama or controlling behavior, or even asks how you are, make sure you nip that in the bud right away. You need time now too.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2019, 03:49:18 PM »
Hi and welcome, Ophelia.

Like the others said, you seem to have a good handle of the situation.

... he did say we needed to work on our communication but he said my H probably isnt or cant work on our marriage until he goes through whatever journey he has to go through and that he is emotionally shut down probably due to childhood stuff.

Your counsellor is right, your husband will not be able to work on the marriage until his journey allows for it. Right now, he cannot work on the marriage.

It makes sense that, at least for now, you feel relief your husband is not around. Walking walking on egg shells around an irritable person is draining.

You are already focusing on yourself, keep doing it. There is nothing you can do about your husband, but there is a lot you can do for you. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Anon

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2019, 05:37:05 PM »
Wow... I'm impressed at your overall intuition about his MLC.   You and your MC are right - it is NOT about you or your marriage.  It's all about him and his issues and it takes a lot of time to resolve.

You sound like you are doing everything right for an LBS.  I'm also impressed with your MC who seems to 'get' MLC which most of them don't.  I've been to 3 IC's now, and they all got fired for lack of knowledge about MLC.  MLC is not the usual cause of marriages falling apart and few IC's get this. 

MC right now is probably pointless at this stage.   I've read that they have to be through Replay and into Acceptance stage before MC has any effect on them.   I've also read that they do have to travel this road on their own,,, we can't help them either and it takes time.  If all standers could just learn to step away and live a good life on their own, the time will fly by.   And eventually you will be faced with the decision to reconcile with them or continue with the new life you have rebuilt for yourself.   





 

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2019, 06:15:25 PM »
Hello,

Welcome to the club that no one should ever have to join. Like the others have commented, you are doing very well!

Continue to get a life and build something for yourself.

Like the others have said, you are in control and you get to write your own story while he sorts his out.

((((Ready))))

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #9 on: January 16, 2019, 01:48:42 AM »
Where do things stand on the practicalities, especially as he has rented an expensive apartment, like joint finances and taking legal advice? None of us want to do it but of course MLC spouses sometimes create havoc that we need to protect ourselves from.

And do you have evidence of any ow or other destructive lifestyle stuff going on? Again none of us want to think that will be something our h might do, but sadly it is more common than not in the MLC playbook.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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