Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Replanted and Growing 3  (Read 2291 times)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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My Story Rebuilding Replanted and Growing 3
« on: January 20, 2019, 01:57:46 AM »
Again, I've reached the magic number to begin a new thread. So my journey continues. Thank you to all for the support as I navigate these reconciliation waters.   8)

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9795.0
« Last Edit: January 20, 2019, 01:58:54 AM by Azioni »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2019, 12:06:21 AM »
Attaching to support you see your H's progress (hopefully) ::)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #2 on: January 21, 2019, 03:44:05 PM »
I'm triggering badly today. Told me he has a rash between navel and groin. I am not in a good place tonight. My mind is racing a mile  minute.  We spent the whole morning together running errands,  had lunch out,   and he calls me while I'm by myself out grocery shopping to let me know this,  and that he has made dr appt for Wednesday morning.  As he was driving to work he calls to tell me this.

I've checked computer, phone, and GPS records and nothing out of the ordinary.  It sucks that I have to do that, but 'trust but verify' is the mantra I live by.

Now I'm seriously wondering about the roses he gave me early this morning. Sad, but I guess I have to wonder is just a lovely gesture or a possible guilty conscience. My next appointment with IC isn't until next week due to my schedule.

« Last Edit: January 21, 2019, 03:51:54 PM by Azioni »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #3 on: January 21, 2019, 04:37:09 PM »
I am sorry Azioni. I too have had times like that . It is a PTSD arousal state and that is very very hard to calm down from. It is horrible to live in suspicion and mistrust . When that happens to me , I remember 2 things .

1. I will be 100% absolutely and totally fine ...NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES! I am STRONG, I have done my BEST and I am not responsible for ANY CHOICES HE MAKES ...in the least. Somehow that is incredibly calming to me.

2.  I tell him . I tell him what is happening to me, what I am thinking and how I am feeling. And I am learning that it is actually a way to apply self-care...asking for what I need. I have a right to ask for what I need and it is up to him to respond accordingly ..or not. I just refuse to sit in unrelenting anxiety that will turn into anger and I will attack without fail. If I need re-assurance ...I ask for it. I look for ANYWAY to stop the trigger ...otherwise, I go into extreme ( very extreme) fight or flight reactions or a panic attack . Such hell is this . I am finding this happens to me less and less....

How long have you been reconciling Azioni?  I do not know your timeline , but I think it is similar to mine .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2019, 05:12:50 PM »
I totally agree 100% with #1!

#2 is much harder as he decided to tell me when I have no way to talk with him about it. Not sure if that was purposefully  done for avoidance, or not.

About 7 years into this now.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2019, 07:03:10 PM »
Sorry this triggered you Azioni, hardly surprising though?

Offer to have a look for him.  He didn't tell you so you could check up0 on him, he told you for support.  At least you'll see it's a heat rash or similar and offer solutions for him rather than feeling he is cheating or doing something wrong.

I find looking for positives in every interaction helps the doubt and unifies you as a couple.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #6 on: January 21, 2019, 11:45:50 PM »
Being triggered when you least expect it is the worst. Sorry Azioni, i understand your concern all too well but I agree with SF. If it was something bad then he surely wouldnt have told you about it. Hes looking for your Support with this so be strong and be positive. Its most probably nothing but once triggered the brain goes into overdrive and expects/suspects the worse case scenario.

You got this.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2019, 03:59:59 AM »
Attaching to the new Thread.....

I agree that, if the rash had been due to "misdeeds" he would have said NOTHING about it....  Too much guilt and shame, especially in the reconciliation process....

Could be heat or an allergy (change in laundry detergent even) or, depending on where you are tin the world, he managed to get into contact with some irritating plant and then had a scratch (you know the Michael Jackson kind of "scratch") and it spread....

My B did this with poison ivy once...

I got a rash from fibreglass insulation once too on my butt when I was a kid because the fibres went through my swimming suit... embarrassing to say the least...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2019, 04:22:49 PM »
I agree. If it was misdeeds he would have hidden whole thing. It is that he just doesn't see how things like this can trigger me. We spent hours together prior, so could have told me anytime during those hours. Probably would not have triggered me like it did. Hopefully he will be home from work before I fall asleep so we can talk.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2019, 02:08:18 PM »
I fell asleep before he got home. Spoke with him for a couple of minutes after I finished work today as he was about to begin his job. I asked about what doc said. He has 2 hernias :o .  I was like huh??!!  That he said it was a rash. Well, it turns out that telling me while in a crowded store was not a good move on his part. Really should have told me when we were face to face that day, then we could have avoided the misunderstanding. Meanwhile, now he will need surgery in the next few months for this.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2019, 06:21:43 PM »
Hopefully your H can have these fixed soon, Azioni.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2019, 05:59:19 PM »
Surgery is tentatively scheduled for late next week.

Saw my IC. I'm having some conflicting issues I'm trying to work through. He had his A as I was dealing with painful surgical recoveries. So it is raising some upsetting issues that I need to confront and deal with. It's a revenge response I'm dealing with. Back story, I was left to deal with excruciating pain, waiting on h to bring home my script. But he was busy on phone with ow (found from phone records after bd). Not to mention all the time spent with ow while I greatly needed his assistance, but was left to struggle while he made time with ow. I know it isn't conducive for me, or him, to feel this way. It's the "get even" demon that is rearing its ugly head.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 06:01:24 PM by Azioni »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2019, 05:20:06 AM »
I am sorry Azioni that these triggers seem to go on and on and on. Out of the blue , some extremely entense at times , others just come to your awareness and float by. Years later we are so affected by the choices made by someone else. How unfair is that?.

My husband was diagnosed with stage 2 kidney cancer about 5-6 months after he returned home. Prior to that he had 4 surgeries for kidney stones ...that is how they found cancer. He came home straight out of hospital from chest pains and severe anxiety attacks apparently. For more than a year I "had" to look after him...unemployed, very sick and lying trickle-truth him. And I can tell you ...I was one angry nursemaid . I felt like I "lived" in 24 hour a day triggers ...because I did. Just to watch a nurse with her hands on him was trigger-making...no matter how illogical that was . I wonder what these OW's do with sick men?  Would she have cared for him sick with cancer, no money, sleeping round the clock, no chandelier swinging sex? He just was not that much fun anymore . Triggers still happen to me 5 years later and I believe likely forever. PTSD is something we can learn to manage, cope with, heal from in may ways ....but I am not convinced you ever are "cured". There are always going to be triggers...BUT they do soften over the years . Some times triggers just make me cry now instead of reactive rages. A very deep anguished sadness of all that has been lost . I am so glad you are seeing a counsellor because we do need help and insight as we try to heal.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2019, 03:20:58 PM »
Very weird day.
H had surgery today. Came through fine. He's home and resting.

While in recovery,  maybe it was the meds, he began to finally break his silence about the time around the A. I mean really talk like he hasn't before.  Says he just doesn't understand how it all fell into place. That even 2 weeks before it happened,  it would be inconceivable for him. He just doesn't know why he made those decisions. Why he felt that I didn't love him, when looking back, I clearly did. It makes him sick to think of it all. That the ow was someone who is clearly a psychopath.  Someone who plotted and planned for the first opportunity to infiltrate themself and inflict damage to not only a M, but to systematically go after each member of the family to try to destroy them.The fact he exposed our kids to that person, brought her into our life, gave me an STD from her....is something he has not nor probably ever can forgive himself for. He just continued on and opened up as never before. Said he started thinking all this last night before surgery. I admitted that surgery is a trigger for me, and he says he now has a better understanding of how those feel.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2019, 11:28:36 PM »
Drugs or no, the dam has been broken and that can only be positive I think. With his admissions, he can now begin the process of forgiving himself and forging a new future....

That's sometimes the hardest part of the whole end game for the former Mid-Lifer and it's where weaker ones turn and bolt headlong back into the tunnel....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2019, 01:23:27 AM »
Crazy week. Work, shuttling our oldest around (since he doesn't drive-by that is a different story :) ) , plus keeping 3 big dogs out of our room so they don't step on his abdomen. The pups don't understand why they cant be with their daddy. Then Wednesday night H started with a fever.  It took a few hours to break, but I stayed up most of the night monitoring.  So I took off the next day. Thursday we saw dr and he thinks it was not surgically related.  Everything looked good. But H still had chills, but no fever into Thursday night. Late Thursday I hit burn out with exhaustion.  Took off Friday too. So no Valentine for us.

The last part was almost a relief. I hate getting cards since BD. I think Hallmark is missing a huge market in the post-infidelity. Cards remain a huge speed bump that I cannot navigate without either sarcasm or trigger depending upon the day. It just seems so disingenuous after it all, so sappy. I used to love these things. I do know what killed it. It was the first bday card post BD, just 6 weeks post BD. H wrote these beautiful sentiments in what I thought was beginning of steps towards R. During my FBI phase, found out he was with OW again the very next day despite telling me he was NC. Contact continued for another month until true NC was then established. I'm not sure I will ever be a true Hallmark shopper again.

Meantime,  H is doing better.  Even though he hurts a bit still, he did bring me breakfast in bed Friday morning.  A bowl of oatmeal. He said I looked exhausted Thursday so he wanted to make sure I ate. Especially since I kind have missed meals here and there running around to make up the slack with work/kids.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2019, 11:20:46 AM »
Shouldn't post so early in the morning. Especially without my glasses. :P It's our youngest who doesn't drive. He just doesn't feel comfortable with that part of adulting yet.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2019, 11:50:41 AM »
Shouldn't post so early in the morning. Especially without my glasses. :P It's our youngest who doesn't drive. He just doesn't feel comfortable with that part of adulting yet.

That's my middle s25
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2019, 05:33:37 PM »
Its been a hectic few weeks. Loads of work at work.

We made a decision.   We are selling the vehicle he drove OW around in. Have already begun looking for best way to get the most money for it. The goal is to have it gone sometime this month.  This has been a proverbial thorn of a trigger. Our youngest originally wanted it, since it is paid off,  but recently changed his mind.

I'm so glad to get rid of the last of the material things. Our home was a new build, new furniture in it, and new cars; all post BD. So this is last "thing" we have from that time.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #19 on: March 09, 2019, 11:38:54 PM »
I'm glad you're selling the car.

I agree with the Hallmark dilemma. Too many with the words "always" and "forever" and their synonyms.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #20 on: March 10, 2019, 07:22:05 PM »
The car seat is one of my triggers too Azioni, anywhere the ow sat, I am going no-where near.

Sooner it's gone the better.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #21 on: March 24, 2019, 05:03:37 AM »
So, we are still trying to sell that "other" vehicle. In the meantime,  my Kia's engine began to fail. Kia knows there's an issue  and has open quiet recall that is replacing engines. The caveat is the engine needs to knock or seize. Mine is burning through oil (not leaking, turning to sludge) and gasoline, and almost zero acceleration.  So we brought it to Kia for oil change, service noticed power loss but offered no solution. So over lunch hubby and I did.

If we could find a new vehicle and keep payments the same we would trade it in. Well we did, so we did!! Hubby wanted me in a safe vehicle .

We even tried to trade the "other" vehicle in,  but it was too old and we were not giving it away for $100. It has new tires on it alone worth more than that. Plus our son is using those proceeds towards his first car. We have asked a local mechanic to help us sell that one
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #22 on: March 24, 2019, 04:33:13 PM »
When I discovered OW a lot of things "clicked" in my brain. I finally knew why the passenger seat was always in a different position and I was always e-adjusting it. I asked him more than once why the seat was different . Well, he is a liar afterall...he told me I was "paranoid and nuts".

We also sold a vehicle to get "rid" of the dumpster - dive OW he drove around with . I understand .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #23 on: April 02, 2019, 12:15:38 AM »
I'd hate to think I sat in a seat one of the ow's did, but it's possible.  He must drive the current ow around in the new car and I would never sit in that seat either.  I'm not sure why it makes me so angry, it just does.

XH would have to get in my car and have me drive because sitting in his is a bit NO from me. (Not that he's asking ::)  )
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #24 on: April 02, 2019, 04:46:55 AM »
I think it's a possession thing about us.  That was "our" car seat before OW and it has been usurped and so we want nothing to do with it.

I have had the same feelings but since OW has been long gone my triggers are considerably diminished.  Fortunately there is little need for him to drive me as I have my own car and access to my S's and D's if needed!
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #25 on: April 02, 2019, 12:53:10 PM »
Our original family car I purchased with an inheritance I got from my father's passing, and put it in his name, but I was the purchaser (UK).

Years later, and a few days after BD I found out he was driving around in it with her.

I took the car off him.

And then I traded it in, and got a new car, in my name.

Screw those OW cooties.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #26 on: April 05, 2019, 05:53:57 PM »
I am so glad that I'm not alone in this car thingy.

H had driven OW around in this vehicle.  He had made out with OW in it. Drove it to go to OW, well you all understand.  Initially  we could not afford a new vehicle.  I had to settle for covering the seats and trying not to be in it. That's changed. We have new vehicles. Our kid doesn't want it anymore, they want something different.  So the timing is right to get rid of the last material thing from that time.

Today, my exterminator called saying he may be interested. Came to take pics. Then, my lawn guy who was here to do our lawn, told me about a local auction that is held 2 times a month. If the first falls through, we are going to go to auction with it. It will hopefully be gone in the next month one way or another. Good riddance!!

We do have to go see family soon. That puts us right back in the same city of the A. I love visiting the family, but my stress still goes up.  It's a double edge sword. Part of the gift that keeps giving. Ugh!! Or maybe I'm just triggered as not 1, but 2 songs came on with the OW's name and a couple that glorified cheating while I was in rush hour traffic. At least satelite radio has lots of channels to change to!
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #27 on: April 11, 2019, 03:25:17 PM »
There is a plain of lethal flatness that a forum talks about. That it is possible to hit again and again in the long recovery process. In IC we are discussing this. The "why" I seem to keep coming back to this plain. What is it that puts up the stop sign on my feelings? Why can't I seem to not leave, but rather circle back to it. I'm standing in the middle of that plain yet again. I'm holding a map that I cannot seem to decipher to find my way out and get back on the path from it.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Acorn

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #28 on: April 11, 2019, 04:30:43 PM »
Hi Azioni, thank you for sharing your feelings.

Would you mind describing what ‘a plain of lethal flatness’ is in terms of:

Your emotional state?  No joy, no sadness, and just ho-hum?
The way you feel/not feel toward your H?
The way you feel toward life in general?

How does your respond to your feelings of flatness?  He feels the same way?

What would be your definition of NOT being on that plain of lethal flatness?

Sorry, a lot of questions.  I’m intrigued.


« Last Edit: April 11, 2019, 04:48:58 PM by Acorn »
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Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #29 on: April 11, 2019, 06:21:55 PM »
Just emotionally flat. Not sure how else to explain it.

I'm able to put most of it on a shelf when I teach, but I can tell that I'm just not at the same intensity in the classroom.

Due to work hours of everyone else in the house, I'm frequently by myself for a number of hours after I get home from work. That may be playing a big part of it right now as well.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #30 on: April 13, 2019, 01:36:57 AM »
Just emotionally flat. Not sure how else to explain it.

I'm able to put most of it on a shelf when I teach, but I can tell that I'm just not at the same intensity in the classroom.

Due to work hours of everyone else in the house, I'm frequently by myself for a number of hours after I get home from work. That may be playing a big part of it right now as well.

I totally get it.  Fortunately - I had a therapist that also gets it.  The more official wording is "plateauing". This is normal growth patterns.  You grow and you stablise and then you plateau. Sometimes there is an absolute need for plateauing  because it gives your subconscious time to absorb, consider and then act.  The challenge is when you are plateauing for too long and this is where you are at probably.

I am now increasingly conscious of when I am plateauing "unhealthily" and so if I don't see T - I recognise that growth is on the way and I actively open my mind to seeing and recognising new opportunities however small.

For example - I am now a trained life coach and am supposedly working towards my higher diploma to develop my skills.  I say supposedly as I have started the tasks set but have yet to seriously engage with them.  After a few months of this prevarication I now know why - I needed to really absorb what I have already learned before I can really get to grips with the next level. I realised this when applying for casual and part-time jobs - all of which were actually distractions and it is no co-incidence that I haven't got any of the jobs I applied for. 

Now I feel ready to start the next set of tasks.

Plateauing is essential after growth - you just don't want to plateau for too long. 

So - what opportunities are there for you Azioni - however small?  They may not be the right opportunities but they may just put you back onto a pattern of growth and recognition of what is the next right thing for you.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #31 on: April 24, 2019, 04:51:24 PM »
On advice from IC, I am going to make an appointment with my GP. We discussed the fact that along with this "plateau " i am also experiencing practically zero libido. This the T feels may also be a contributing factor to what's going on. I had a total hysterectomy 10 years ago  and am not on HRT. So I'm calling tomorrow to see about a total physical and requesting a hormone panel to see. In the meantime,  I am going to change up my diet to add some estrogen rich foods and track how I feel. Plus, in a few weeks, I will have my vacay and am planning some outdoor workouts to increase my time in the sunshine.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #32 on: April 24, 2019, 05:19:58 PM »
It's a good thing you're actively seeking help Azioni.  Hope the appointment goes well and you get a solution.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #33 on: April 25, 2019, 05:37:55 AM »
I hope you have a nice vacation and manage to get your health back in order. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #34 on: May 05, 2019, 04:56:53 AM »
Vacay went well. Still feel a bit like an outsider when it comes to the older of my 2 SIL. Like an afterthought.  One big trigger on our trip, they played the damned song during the reception.  Of course it would be to bring up THAT SIL and her hubby  :-\ .  Ended up with a bad headache and nightmare following the reception.  I actually went upstairs at the hotel before it was quite over due to headache.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #35 on: May 08, 2019, 09:41:38 PM »
At least it's over now Azioni, you can get on with life without the song.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #36 on: May 09, 2019, 03:19:09 PM »
Yes. I am SO glad to be back home. I seem to always be overly stressed when visiting his family.  The best decision was moving 1000 miles away from them. I really don't think I would have had a chance to heal if I had stayed there.

Getting ready to start up my garden. Hit up the nursery today to choose my plants. Also doing upgrades to our deck. So I have plenty to keep myself busy.

Saw IC. They are going to work with me this summer to help desensitize me to that stupid song. My hypnosis audio just doesn't seem to work for it for some reason.  It did work on almost all my other triggers, but not that one.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #37 on: May 10, 2019, 12:36:43 AM »
It's good you've decided to work on triggers with your IC.

One of the things I will stick to is that if xH ever wants back in again and I am willing to allow him to try, if that he he sees a good psychologist chosen by me for at least a year before moving back in and that I see one if I become triggered by anything that comes up during his recovery time.

I can't see any point in reconciling with a man who isn't willing to work on his problems with a psychologist/psychiatrist.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #38 on: May 19, 2019, 03:52:03 AM »
Been a rough few days. Our 16 year old pup is not doing well. It came on suddenly.  He's at the vet this weekend for IV fluids and meds. Our children grew up with this dog. Honestly,  without him I dont know how I would have made it through the whole A fallout.  He was my constant in the whole mess, staying by my side each night once kids went to bed.  My heart is breaking at the thought of losing him.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #39 on: May 19, 2019, 09:31:46 AM »
Hugs to you and the beloved pooch. It is heart wrenching when the furry ones are sick.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #40 on: May 19, 2019, 01:08:49 PM »
Aww sorry to hear about your pup. :(

I hope they manage to help him and you get to spend a bit more time with him.

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #41 on: May 23, 2019, 07:20:25 PM »
Well, lots of ups and down in this week with our pup.

He was hospitalized for 2 days for iv fluids/meds. That helped greatly.  It seems to be vestibular disease.  He is making some really good progress.  We have follow up with the vet tomorrow. He is eating and drinking on his own. He is making it up and down stairs,  which he did today for first time since it came on. So good news to report  :)
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #42 on: May 24, 2019, 04:46:06 PM »
Oh glad pup was helped. I know someone with a vestibular disease and it’s terrible so that’s good he is  making good progress.

Lovely to hear good news 🐾

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #43 on: May 27, 2019, 03:40:42 PM »
He had his follow up with the vet.  He is doing very well. He even took it upon himself to walk to the back as if to go around to thank everyone.  The tech who took care of him that weekend was in tears to see him doing so well. He is now on 24/7 spoiling diet. We are blessed that he has come through this.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #44 on: May 28, 2019, 03:45:44 AM »
That is great news :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #45 on: June 02, 2019, 02:14:26 PM »
My garden is coming along. I put a cage around my blueberries to keep out birds this year.  It's a success!! Just harvested a pint worth. Omg...so much better than store bought!! Tomatoes are also coming along. Harvested a few of those too.

The pup is still doing well. He is a little slower, but is alert and now practically no head tilt anymore. I just ordered rubber treads to put on wood deck stairs so he won't slip now that I restained them.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #46 on: June 02, 2019, 05:40:57 PM »
We have just gone into Winter here, so it's lovely to hear of Spring tomatoes, I'm already looking forward to it being warm again!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #47 on: June 23, 2019, 09:33:55 AM »
Update: the pup is doing well. He is trying to mix it up with his fur brothers, but he cant keep up anymore. The youngest seems to sense this and will purposefully play just with him. (He is almost twice the older one's size and fast as lightning) He allows the old man to catch him. It is truly heartwarming to see the love he has for his older fur brother. Dogs are very sensitive souls.  I have made an inkprint of his paw and have made an appointment with a tattoo artist to do that with his name. This dog has had been a huge part of my life and was there for me when I most needed it.

One of my distant friends, who lives in another country, and knows about the whole A mess messaged me the other day. Had done some internet sleuthing and found out the Karma bus had arrived for OW. Asked me if I wanted to know the details. For a moment I smiled, but then it struck me....no, I really didn't want to know. I didn't care. I long ago gave up the obsessive searching. I did not want that back into my life anymore. Did I finally reach the nirvana of indifference? It has taken a chunk of my life to reach this summit.  My life is quiet and mostly happy. I do not want to ride down the rabbit hole again.  So, I asked this friend to not ever give me an update again. They promised me to abide by my wishes.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #48 on: June 23, 2019, 03:57:12 PM »
Good on the pup and the brothers! There’s an extra bond when a dog helps you through as an LBS I think. The paw print is a great idea!

Ah so that’s where the karma bus is! Well good for you reaching this stage and on your friend for upholding your wishes.

So glad your life is quiet and (mostly) happy. You deserve it
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #49 on: June 24, 2019, 01:54:26 AM »
"And Lead me not into temptation...."

It's wonderful when one reaches the point where what is happening to the AD is no longer relevant to our lives...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #50 on: July 15, 2019, 06:13:40 PM »
I have been quiet for a while. Taking some time this summer to just recharge and work on me. I have begun going back to working out and meditation.

My pup is still doing okay. He sleeps more, but has definitely gotten past the vestibular disease. This week, I am doing a tattoo of his pawprint and name.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #51 on: July 24, 2019, 05:29:35 AM »
Nice to hear from you Azioni  :)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #52 on: July 26, 2019, 11:13:14 AM »
How did the tattoo go?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #53 on: July 26, 2019, 08:52:52 PM »
I love it. It is beautiful.  I have gotten many compliments on it. Going to try to upload it.
**tried, but it says uploader folder is full  :-[
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Anjae

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #54 on: July 27, 2019, 04:39:49 PM »
I have been quiet for a while. Taking some time this summer to just recharge and work on me. I have begun going back to working out and meditation.

My pup is still doing okay. He sleeps more, but has definitely gotten past the vestibular disease. This week, I am doing a tattoo of his pawprint and name.

Wonderful.

If you have an image of the tattoo elsewhere on-line, maybe insert the link between the image address/link code will work.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #55 on: July 28, 2019, 04:38:12 PM »
I'm not too tech savvy,  but hope this works.  ** I put it in, it's on imgur, have linked address, used the image button, but it still doesn't show ??? ***



« Last Edit: July 28, 2019, 04:44:16 PM by Azioni »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

 

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