Author Topic: Discussion Anyone else have a vanisher 21?  (Read 4522 times)

Offline nah

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Discussion Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2019, 06:51:20 AM »
Hey Clanishers of the vanishers....

Are our numbers dwindling or are we just getting bored?

Just to refresh I had to check my phone to remember the interactions I had with my vanisher this year.

May 20 2018 - I had to remind him to pay our son's car insurance.  He said he did but would recheck, never heard back.

A few months ago (not sure of date) he called and I didn't answer (it was when my book came out on KDP, he must of got over it because I didn't hear from him again)

March 12 2019 - I had to remind him to pay our son's phone bill.  He replied 3x's, "Oh Crap" (I didn't reply) "OK" (Again, I didn't reply)... "It's all set" (No reply)

So, maybe some would say he's not a vanisher b/c we have some contact.  I say Bullsh!t... this is not contact, it's a few messages about finances.  2 or 3 messages about finances after a 30 yr marriage is, well, sad.  Maybe some think it's normal, I do not.  We have raised two children together.  Our daughter doesn't talk to me and he pretends to others that I make it up or brush it off because "Nah and daughter never got along"  ::). We have literally hundreds of mutual friends and/or family.  Some have gone to the dark side and also betrayed me, some stay neutral, some hate his guts.  I never once asked anyone to "take sides", some just feel the need, I guess.  Some people who left my life I feel was a gift (like my mil, as she is a horrible person), some I was quite surprised but now understand it was their true colors (like my sil), some I will forever be heartbroken over (mainly my daughter).

So anyways... my life.

"E" and I have been finding our way.  I won't lie, it hasn't been easy.  I still have triggers, maybe a little PTSD.  I swear this man was sent to me from my guardian angel.  He has a way of bringing me back, helping me to understand to stay where my feet are placed, and to be grateful for my blessings.

So, clanishers... are you still here? 
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Nas

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2019, 07:27:16 AM »
I'm still here, Nah, and still in the clan.
I actually contacted him when my mother died at the end of January.  It was fine, but he sounded like a distant acquaintance.  When my father died 3 weeks after that, I got a robotic, emotionless message telling me he'd heard about it from his mother and was sorry for my loss.  I responded with a "thank you," he asked how my health is, I told him everything was really rough right now and he told me to "Hang in there."  ::) I didn't respond to that.

Yesterday I got an email from a car dealership in HIS city 1000 miles away addressed to him about getting an oil change for his car.  ???
This is presumably the place he's been having his car serviced at since he moved there in 2016.  Not sure how a car dealership in a city I've never been to would have my email address. 



Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Rising PhoenixTopic starter

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  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2019, 08:02:34 AM »
I’m still here but not much to report. I get zero. Had to have contact in Nov/Dec re son but vanished again and blocked me when I complained that he has not booked his appt with social services re son which should of been booked within 5 days and h took 6 weeks.
I emailed xmas eve re times picking kids up Boxing Day but no reply and he didn’t have the kids. Not seen or heard from him since Dec and neither have the kids. I emailed on a sat over a week ago re ow abuse on social media and guess what! Yep, no reply but ow has ceased at present with abuse. I stated I don’t care what she puts re me but I won’t tolerate anything aimed at our kids so if he wants me to sell house and give him his share and apply for the decree absolute for him then I will if it will stop ow victimisation of me and our kids. if he could provide up to date solicitor details, I will get the ball rolling.
Only contact I have sent since xmas eve.

The kids didn’t even get a text or call on their b days and son was 16. They got an internet card.

Am just waiting for him to provide upto date solicitor details. So I am still a clanisher of a vanisher still
« Last Edit: April 03, 2019, 08:04:47 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2019, 03:44:31 PM »
I drop by several times a week so yeah, I'm still here!

Of course, I haven't had any contact at all from my MLCer since early November last year when we met in the parking lot of the local gas station so I could give him the last of the guns that I was still in possession of. 

I have met him on the highway a couple times so he's still hanging around this tiny town with the new Mrs. living the dream.   ::)

Me?  Well, I'm just busy living the dream too.     ;)
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2019, 03:54:45 PM »
Still:  Good for you!  It sounds as if you are moving through the quicksand.  Hugs!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline sparklestar

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2019, 04:06:15 PM »
Still here Nas, not heard from my vanisher since just before our divorce was final last May so almost a year and any contact was via solicitor so technically it was the sept before (2017) so well over a year. It’s 2 years 7 months since BD so you could say still early days by MLC standards. He has a year old baby with OW so well entrenched in MLC land. I hear almost nothing other than the odd tot bit from friends now and again - that last one was that he was caught by OW on Tinder - I did laugh! Otherwise it’s like he’s vanished and I never knew him... the most surreal and strange situation I have ever encountered it’s almost like did any of those 12 years together actually happen? Thats life with a true vanisher...

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2019, 04:51:32 PM »
Sparkle:  The tinder episode must have made you happy - that is the karma bus for the OW.  Love it!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Ausgatorgirl

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2019, 06:14:33 PM »
Haven’t seen my vanisher since BD on 11 August 2017. Haven’t spoken to him since March 2018, for financials. He spewed out “our family is now over” after 34 years of wonderful marriage and two kids. Wtf happened? Anyway moving forward, have a job I think divorce went through mid March. I don’t engage just assume. He wasn’t happy apparently! Lol
Me: 58
H: 59
S30, D27
Married for 34 years
BD 11 August 2017
OW - yes, maybe multiple
H: Vanisher and Avoider
M: Letting go, trusting the process.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #28 on: April 04, 2019, 12:05:14 AM »
Last saw him f2f Oct 2016. Last spoke idk about a year ago. Last email/text cycle from him (don't include recent nasty ow text  :P) about June 18 which was a sadz rant as I recall.

Most of that has been bc of my choice. If I had agreed with his 'suggestions", we would have met f2f in Feb 2018 and 'chatted' on the phone 'every other day' (with a long list of forbidden subjects lol) in 2017.....but I chose my safety and sanity first so it was a no thank you from me. Not sure even why he wanted to do it or what these flurries were about from him. Just trusted that it felt insane bc it was an insane situation and I was deeply tired of insane.  :)

I think the tough thing about vanishers is that the old them maybe stays alive in our heads a bit longer bc we don't see the new version up close (no crumbs as Milly says, although of course that saves us from some other challenges)

And just how incomprehensible it is for any normal human to understand how someone erases years of their own life with no apparent regret, remorse or doubts. Often not even a 'thanks for the fish, goodbye'. Of course that is bc normal healthy people don't do this after years of a decent relationship.
Very hard not to see their actions and possible feelings through our own more normal human filter of course. If I had treated my h as he treated me, I wouldn't ever be at peace without trying to explain and make some kind of amends for it even if it was just words. But some vanishers never even get to that point.

Sometimes, with the passage of time, it can feel as if I imagined those almost 20 years and the person I woke up with every day...which is a strange feeling in itself actually  :P  Yet I never feel that way about my father who died or my mother who is most completely lost in dementia, so that's a strange difference too.

Do you think there is something different about the character of vanishers or us or the situation that causes them to be a vanisher when other MLC spouses are not?
Or is it simply that they run so far that it is impossible for them to sidle back safely (in their minds)? No idea. But while I used to be envious of boomerangs and climbers, wondering why their spouse loved them 'more'  ::)....now I think vanishing is also a bit of a gift in the longer term, stops us getting sucked in to the rollercoaster of crazy s$it or trying to repair the unfixable. Bc tbh for most of us, once BD happens and they leave, there is simply nothing to work with for years and years is there?
« Last Edit: April 04, 2019, 12:47:31 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Anyone else have a vanisher 21?
« Reply #29 on: April 04, 2019, 12:38:38 PM »
Still here. Nothing to report.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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