Author Topic: Discussion Old Timers thread 5  (Read 4944 times)

Offline Nas

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Discussion Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #90 on: April 18, 2019, 02:08:20 PM »
Well I may have felt like you once, Mort.
But when a middle aged woman has spent the last 15-30 years working hard and building a life and the MLCer goes off the rails and loses everything the lbs has spent so long working for, it’s different.
There is quite a bit less time to rebuild and much fewer opportunities.
I respect many of your comments and I fully believe you have gone through the same pain as the rest of us, but please remember that you’re quite a bit younger than almost everyone here.
When you are 45, 55 or 60 years old, you would feel quite differently about recouping massive losses caused by someone else.
I know I can say I am not “money-oriented” and I suspect the others here aren’t either.
We are just women who worked very hard and are now left financially hurting in a world that doesn’t really hold as much opportunity for women our age as we might have had when we were 30. Yes, we can rebuild, but the doors aren’t opening for us. We have to kick them down.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline in it

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #91 on: April 18, 2019, 04:28:23 PM »
Nope money didn't mean much to me either years ago.
However after you have spent years of your life working to have a nice family and for the most part many blessings (minus the abuse) There was a lot that family had to be grateful for.

To have someone as self centered and already had just about anything anybody could want materially and financially he still was neither grateful, satisfied or happy.

Nothing was nor will it ever be enough for him.

This is the person who levels my life , makes these decisions while I for a (second time) pick up the pieces because I'm stupidly thinking he's having a MLC and oh poor him. He'll want his family back as I did..nope wrong again.

I've suffered enough as have my  D's in regards to his stupidity, lack of judgement, and his total lack of control of himself, the sick kick he gets out of hurting others,  his depraved indifference for their suffering, not to mention his need for control.and outragous lies.

« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 04:46:08 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #92 on: April 18, 2019, 04:42:56 PM »
Financially I was doing a ton better than my xH when he left, but never in a million years did I think the courts wouldn't equitably split the joint debt that was in my name - that he could stretch it out to the point I'd have to file bankruptcy. I'm a small business owner - I needed my good credit. I had one credit card for 19 years! I remember trying to discuss options with them on the phone and they counted up my late payments for all of those years (could count them on one hand, and it was very early on when I was still remitting payments by mail and they didn't make it by due dates). The woman was sadder than I was!

I did it because I too was not a money person. His happiness and anything I could do to try to facilitate that was more important to me.

He ran up crazy bills for restaurants and gas to visit OW and general billpay from not working, and he was allowed to. There were debts for his failed businesses because he bullied me into adding him as a secondary on my good accounts (I KNOW - believe me, no one madder at myself than me), and I was left holding the bag while he started his "new life" with a clean slate.

I have made peace with the financial devastation and am still rebuilding, slowly but surely. I can't do everything I want to right now, but it doesn't stop me from doing all I can. If I were younger I wouldn't be as concerned about retirement planning and my day to day security, but that's not the case now. It's not something that's a choice. Some of us are having to start our lives from scratch financially and it's scary as hell! If divorce is inevitable, or even a longterm separation and your MLCer is showing any signs of dropping the ball, you HAVE to protect yourself. Your health and wellbeing (and your kids' if you have them) depend on it.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Anjae

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #93 on: April 18, 2019, 05:00:44 PM »
I suspect when we lose things or are profoundly damaged by others behaviours, the sense of what would be a good enough recompense for it is very personal. And perhaps some things cannot be made good or repaired with either words or actions.

This.

Morte, indeed it has to do with our own personalitty, situation, etc. I would like the check. As FTT pointed, it related to restorative justice. I quite like the idea/concept of restorative justice and agree with FTT, it is something that could be applied to MLC cases.

Mediation with a MLCer tends to fail. Even court and lawyers. The deep in crisis MLCer often ignores all legal duties. How many here have a MLCer who does not even pay child support? Many.

I am not crazy money oriented, but I do not know any other way for justice/restorative justice to be done. Nor does the law.

I was 37 when Mr J left, I am now 50 and will be 51 by the end of the year. Like Nas said, age makes a difference. Even if, in my case, maybe because I have a bit of a legal oriented mind, money for restoration never upseted me. Money/compensation is also used in cases like war, loss of life, etc. That is, in every case where words alone aren't enough/do not fit.

Even if I were to become a billionaire I would still want compensation. I would give all the money to those who need it. I am not good with letting the MLCer getting away with murder.

It was a long time ago, Ready, in another decade. I have forgive Mr J, but I always say that I do not know how it would be if he would come back/was around. It is easier to forgive, even if the crazy in on-going as with Mr J, if we do not have to live with the MLCer.

Our Supreme Court thing related to adultery is recent here. By law, now, adultery is no longer cause for divorce. However, adultery still causes many problems and our Supreme Court aknowledged it.

I bet that was due to the fact Mr J had the best wife he will ever have. Some people have a way of bringing out the best in others!

Could be, but he the real Mr J was a good husband, friend, son-in-law, etc. The MLC version? Run.

I have no idea if Mr J will ever pay what he legally has to. However, for me, an apology is not enough. And, at some point, the legal matters will have to be solved.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline hawk

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #94 on: April 21, 2019, 06:57:48 AM »
Hi to one and all , been awhile for me and although l can't say it's nice to be back , l can say it's nice to see everyone.  And to be among the only people l know that have gone through this .
Funny your talking about some form of comp or a way to feel better or of making it up to us , or whatever you wanna call it. l'm talking about closure myself right now and l'm still feeling , dreaming maybe more like it , of a better closure.
So that would be a nice compensation for me right now. But going back  in time and giving my daughter her family back for this last 6 yrs would be a much better one.

No use even thinking about money in our sitch , we could've stopped working mostly, def' w could've completely, a few years after bd. But the timing of bd , blew the whole lot and everything we'd worked for, to hell and back and now we'll both be working for god knows how long , probably well past retirement.
W hasn't had a penny in years and she's working harder than ever before. She was exhausted at bd , and with all kinds of health stuff but l hate to think how she's coping now. l think she's still paying of the debts she racked up , they must be dozy's , or om's house, or both , or something.
l actually feel bad for her but anyway , so there sure is no hope in hell of anything good financially , not even for her.

But yeah, so for me l would choose the impossible and this made up to my daughter. Or closure , something.!












Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Online Treasur

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #95 on: April 21, 2019, 07:08:48 AM »
Unfortunately none of us can go back in time can we? All we can do is accept where we are now and do the best we can with the cards we have.

And closure? I think Nah said on your thread that we can't look to them for closure. If that had been possible, they probably wouldn't have behaved the way they did. I honestly believe that we have to find or make our own. Not easy but time and good things in our lives help. Tbh there are some who pop up years later with the apologies or explanations we desparately wanted initially but from what I can see for most LBS, they have already made their own closure and it doesn't add much useful.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline hawk

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #96 on: April 21, 2019, 07:52:52 AM »
Yeah , l suppose so.
l'm luckier than most l suppose , because l know pretty well everything , l probably already have more closure than most, but not quite, and ex was one of the better ones too.
How lucky am l then eh.
l'd probably even be about 200% sure that if not for om , w probably would've popped up long ago and apologized .

lt ain't gonna happen but l really hope we all get something, one day.







Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #97 on: April 22, 2019, 06:15:04 PM »
I am going to be 60 this year. I have no college degree or real marketable skills. I got lucky when I left banking and found a job in a law office. I am making more money, but no 401k here and the health insurance isn't as good. But I have my weekends off, I don't have to hit 40 hours a week to keep my health insurance, and most importantly, I am not volunTOLD to go places on Sunday mornings to spread the bank's "culture".

But returning to the topic at hand, money is the only thing I need in order to not be a burden to my kids as I age. I don't need verbal closure from a crazy person. At one point I did ask my xH to explain himself so I could have closure. He asked me to send my questions to him in an email. I never did. I realized that he was not capable of saying anything that would help me. I didn't need his BS and fabricated responses to my earnest request for closure.

trying2bok

Offline hawk

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #98 on: April 22, 2019, 10:23:37 PM »
We're doing up this house l bought to resell, and then hope to buy the next one with the profit, making my own compensation financially for this mess so it's either that and yet another move because of all this, or work until l'm 110 now.
Ex sent me this really long text a few wks back , haven't heard from her in months, and at the bottom she needed $40 for my daughters school uniform, which of course l happily pay for anyway, but l just couldn't believe she was that broke.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2019, 10:29:36 PM by hawk »
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Old Timers thread 5
« Reply #99 on: June 02, 2019, 12:35:50 PM »
Their cycles......I wish I knew what the "rules" are...after so many years I don't have a clue.

I saw him in April, he was here on business and we had lunch, hit some golf balls, he brought me gifts. Mother's Day, sweet messages.

The day after, when I sent him a message informing him of a death in the family I received a very curt and cold 3 word response. A couple of days later, he send me a TED talk about happiness...I respond with a few comments, no response.

I shared this with my therapist and she said to me "would you ever consider talking with Mr. xyzcf and asking him if it is possible that he could show you just a little bit of respect?" Well, of course talking to him is useless but as usual, she nailed it.

He has not shown me any respect in 10 years, not even the minimal that one would show to a stranger.


RESPECT...I want to scream... I had never looked at it from that perspective...but it creates some really strong feelings in me...respect, RESPECTRespectReSpEcT Thinking about Aretha Franklin:

"I ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone
Ain't gonna do you wrong 'cause I don't wanna
All I'm askin'
Is for a little respect when you come home (just a little bit)
Baby (just a little bit) when you get home (just a little bit)
Yeah (just a little bit)"

I have long been sensitive to the "silent treatment"..when my dad would do that to my mom, it would cause me great distress. In our marriage, when Mr. xyzcf would not talk to me, I would automatically think he was mad at me for something and didn't know what it was I had done.....it's my own pattern I guess.

Is this it? The divorce was final almost a year ago..he withdrew after that for a while and then started contacting again..Is he finally done with me now?

Who knows. It is truly the most bizzare situation that anyone could have to live through.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

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