Author Topic: Discussion Is there a really good question you wish you'd been asked or asked yourself?  (Read 1532 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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I'm a coach.
Our job is to ask really good questions and encourage people to tussle with them even if the answers are not straightforward.
Actually usually when the answers are not straightforward is the best kind of question.
As a coach, you know you have asked someone a useful question when you see them stop and really have to think hard. And even more so if they are surprised by where trying to answer it takes them.

I failed miserably at doing this coaching myself post BD lol. Understandably probably. And no one else got it enough to ask one.

But I saw one on a DB post that I thought was a great question for any time between BD and divorce.
"What would you do now if you knew 100% that your marriage could not be saved at all?"

None of us have magic foreseeing powers. All of us LBS run around trying to figure out what's going on and what to do.
Asking the question (and most of my biggest fears came true, some I hadn't even imagined enough to be afraid of them lol) doesn't mean it WILL come true or that you are not allowed to hope that it doesn't. Often it is the fear that stops you asking it or the fear you really don't know the answer or won't like it but will be forced to act if you ask the question. But you COULD see it more as a way to have a practice think on the unthinkable and see where it takes you.

If I'd had a great coach with the skill and courage to ask me that question? I think I would have taken control of my own circumstances a little more. Asked my h less and made a few more decisions without waiting for his reply. I might not have filed but I think I would have looked more closely at how unfair and unmanageable my situation was, and made some choices that would have protected me a little earlier.

What do you think? With hindsight, was there one great question you wish someone had asked you?
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 06:00:33 AM by OldPilot »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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It is a great question but I think I heard some questions but just wasn’t able to cope with them.  I don’t mean didn’t want to hear them or disagreed - I think I used deep and utter denial to save me because I truly couldn’t cope with the answer. i mean  once forced to cope one survives of course, but until that moment, or until some strengthening occurs, it couldn’t work.  I just needed support and ‘holding’ (psychologically speaking)

A bit later it did work and help.

Offline Nerissa

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Actually recently I was sent a ted talk about marriage given by an Australian psychiatrist who counselled couples.  His question was about being older.  He would ask a couple what it would be like, living with this person in old age.  What quality and kind  of care and attention would be in the relationship and would it be two way or one way.  It was about waking couples up in mid life to see what they were living with and heading for.  It’s germane to any of us who would consider reconciling I think.

Offline Schratz66

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In my case I don't think I could have been able to handle that question early on.
I think people are different and some times it takes our souls a little while to be able to even entertain thoughts like that.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Shining Star

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I would have moved into protection mode sooner.  I would have taken all the energy I was putting into "fixing" him and started my mirror work.  I would have engaged with an attorney earlier, and been more self serving in my negotiations with the mediator.  For me, I couldn't believe that he would actually go through with a divorce, so I didn't waste a lot of time preparing for it.  I spent my time coddling him.  Yuck!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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An honest answer to that question would have led to me being committed to an inpatient facility. That's why I refused to consider the possibility.

The one question I wish someone would have asked me? I hope my answer doesn't offend anyone. It doesn't seem like this answer is acceptable on this forum. I wish my wife would have asked me if she could come home.

Offline xyzcf

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Quote
"What would you do now if you knew 100% that your marriage could not be saved at all?"

I do not see how it is possible for anyone to determine that..unless one of the spouses dies.

To tell anyone that they have 0% chance of having a marriage reconciled would be an injustice because no one can say for sure.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline FromAbroad

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"What would you do now if you knew 100% that your marriage could not be saved at all?"

This question was asked to me not to long ago. Actually it wasn't asked. A close friend asked me: "When are you finally going to stop being nice to her". His W then said: "He will when there is 0% hope for a reconcilliation". She had me thinking for a minute, but I told her she isn't correct. Indeed I wouldn't do some of the stuff I am doing right now and probably will minimize all contact, however I would still remain nice. Because I can not change me. Whatever way she treats me, I want to be the person I always was.

So what if I knew from day 1 it couldn't be saved. I wouldn't have done all the begging and pleading. Wouldn't have cried in front of her. Wouldn't have tried to fix her. But I would have stayed the same and would still have shown love. Even now, when I don't know if it can be saved one day, I dislike all the things I have done like the begging and pleading and tears. Simpy because the person she is at the moment isn't worth all those things.

And that brings me to the question I am asking myself lately and am trying to work out with my therapist:

Why do I still love someone who treated me like I'm worth less then nothing for over 3 years now? Why is it so hard for me to just move on like I did with other people who treated me wrong. Why do I keep defending her while she is the one that does al these things? Why do I keep holding on to something that has been destroyed.

Or basicly

I'm worth much more then this. So why is that so hard to believe and live up to
M 39
W 37
D12 D5
15Y Marriage

08-2016/12-2016 OM1 EA with 21y old client (he turns her down)
10-2016 MiniBD - Wants to leave but changes her mind. I just saw it like she being angry and calming down again
08-2017 BD1 - ILYBINILWY speech, OM2 which she knew for 1 week and had seen for just 1 hour
11-2017 - Moved back in
05-2018 BD2 - Seeing OM2 again.
06-2018 - I leave the house
08-2018 - OM2 out of the picture
08-2018/11-2018 - Goes on 8 Tinder dates sleeps with one. (OM3)
12-2018 - Wants to reconnect.
xmas 2018 - BD3 says she can't do it and confesses to OM4

No D up untill now, but soon will be I guess.
Still standing

Offline Anjae

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"What would you do now if you knew 100% that your marriage could not be saved at all?"

What I always said I had would had done, divorce Mr J and once as soon as OW1 was made public.

In fact, even if the marriage could be saved, knowing what I come to know, I would had done the same thing.

To tell anyone that they have 0% chance of having a marriage reconciled would be an injustice because no one can say for sure.

If there is violence, it would not. Same for parental alienation, etc. It is an injustice to lead LBS to think they have a change when we know most marriages will not reconcile. Which is a fact. Most on HS will never reconcile.

It is a little odd that people expect a marriage destroyed by MLC to survive when non-MLC marriages end all the time. LBS aren't martyrs and do not have to stick to a dead marriage, remeber the old marriage ends with BD, when most people will leave a marriage never to return for far smaller reasons.

The whole the marriage is all that matters rather than the people in it, is disturbing. People are more important than a marriage.


It is fine to wish your wife would had come home, Hawkeye. Early on, despite the crazy, I also wish Mr J would come home. It was obvious a stupidity. The things he had done, including being physically violent, are not the sort of things that lead to a good relationship.


I'm worth much more then this. So why is that so hard to believe and live up to

This. Why is it so hard for most of us, early on, and others a bit later on, to believe we are worth so much more than this? I don't know about you guys, but I am worth much more than an abusive MLCer/husband.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Quote
"What would you do now if you knew 100% that your marriage could not be saved at all?"

I do not see how it is possible for anyone to determine that..unless one of the spouses dies.

To tell anyone that they have 0% chance of having a marriage reconciled would be an injustice because no one can say for sure.

The point I was trying to make xyz - bc you are quite right - is how nibbling the unthinkable might help us create some other options than the ones we can see in the months of deep shock. I, like others, could not have swallowed that as a reality but what I did was made choices based on the exact opposite.

And actually I had no way of knowing if either would be true or not.

Would I have been brave enough to take some of those options? Idk.
But I do know I felt helpless for a long time and usually seeing more options than you think you have helps with that.

Sorry if I didn't explain myself very clearly. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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