Author Topic: My Story Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense  (Read 2394 times)

Offline stillbaffled

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My Story Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #80 on: May 18, 2019, 05:40:58 PM »

I walked across the street and got the mail out of the mailbox. There was this month's support check. I looked at the envelope. Now I am known by my first name, married name and maiden name. Inside, the check is made out the same way. I am just fascinated by this check thing. I really don't believe it is intentional. I don't think he knows what to call me. I do know he was very ticked about me keeping my married name and my attorney as well as the judge said he could not force me to change it. I didn't change it because of my children and at the time I was standing. The idea of changing all of my legal documents and such was a huge headache. Now, I just don't think too much about it. It doesn't define who I am as such. But, clearly it is some source of confusion for Xh or something that gets under his skin still.

Oh well, it is better than having a check made out with just my first name or my initials. Still odd though.

I also remain fascinated by the check writing.  I can't begin to understand why he addresses them the way he does but I agree with you......it's intriguing.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #81 on: May 18, 2019, 08:55:20 PM »
stillbaffled - I have made copies of every check and envelope per my attorney's advice. I was filing the copies away and it really is so incredibly noticeable. The early ones, I suspect were because he was very angry with me and resented the support payments, etc. But the ones over the past few months have just been very perplexing. I shared a couple of them with a friend of mine who has a degree in Psychology and she said they really are incredibly fascinating.

I am honestly convinced he is not doing this to jerk me around. I don't think he knows how to handle me or any of this madness he unleashed. I am not reacting the way he thought I would and that has him in part unsettled. I know the name thing for him was a big deal. There are times when he addresses them they are similar to the love letters he sent me in college in terms of how he addresses them - with my first and given middle initials and my maiden name. Those make some odd sense to me, as that was his nickname for me for a long time when we started dating.

But now, I have no idea what the new sequence suggests. Just one of those odd things. And his own signature is so incredibly odd now. No one would every believe it in RL. But, I have the photo evidence and the women at the bank all have witnessed it. I am just grateful they cash the checks. - LOL

I worked this afternoon at the new college space. It was insanely quiet because of graduation. I sat and did some grading. D came with me, but her boyfriend picked her up after he got out of work. I stopped at the post office on my way home to mail out a package for BIL and SIL from D and then had to run home before going back out.

I had originally planned to go directly from work to an art opening but the outfit I had on earlier was meant for the warm weather and the temperature had dropped significantly. I hadn't thought about the temperature changing and should have grabbed a different outfit. I flew home and needed to be in the middle of the city by 7:30 to make sure I had time to look around before the show closed at 8:00. I was home at 6:40 and had a 45 minute drive if traffic behaved.

My M called on my way home and was very concerned I was going to be alone. I told her that is what my life is sometimes - me having to do things on my own. She and my F were going earlier and going out to dinner with friends. I said I would be fine.

I arrived at home to find S's friends here. His one friend was sweeping my side patio under the pergola and it had been weeded. The other friend was managing the dog. Another friend was out in the orchard running the tractor with the rototiller on it and leveling things out. S was next door helping the neighbor with something for a moment. I took it all in and asked what was up. They said they were all just helping out. I didn't have time to really process this. If it had been any other opening reception, I would have skipped it, but my F had several pieces in this show and I wanted to make sure I made an appearance.

And this is how rumors get started …

I said my hellos to S's friends. I had briefly touched base with S early in the day and hadn't told him my plans, just said I was out for the evening. D was at the movies with her boyfriend and his family. So, when I saw S's friends, I quickly had run into the house, grabbed a clean dressy, off the shoulder sweater, a pair of stiletto pumps and ran into the bathroom, changed quickly and freshened up my make up and hair and was out the door in 10 minutes. As I was getting into my car, I said to the friends, I was running late and would catch them later.

I arrived at the opening and was able to see the artwork. As I rounded the corner to go out the door and was thinking I was feeling rather hungry and considering what restaurant I wanted to go to when I heard someone call my name. It was one of my colleagues from the college - the man my Xh accused me of having an affair with. His W broke her leg and didn't want to come out tonight. We chatted a bit and decided to grab dinner nearby.

We were in a part of the city that is where everyone hangs out in the summer months. I ran into people I knew, as did my colleague. We chose a spot outside and had a good time catching up and talking about the end of the semester. We had a small dinner and decided to split a dessert. As we were splitting the piece of cake in half, the woman who saw me out with my coworker several months ago -- the friend of OW's walked by. I shook my head and thought how perfect - LOL.

I came home and S was still up. He said who did I have a date with. I gave him a WTF look and he said his friends said I ran into the house, threw my clothes on the hook in the bathroom (I did) and left in a very sexy sweater outfit. He said I told them I had a date. I was ready to explain when he added that "dad called and wanted to know who you were out with". S told Xh that he didn't know but his friends said I looked really hot. I burst out laughing and said to S, "gee thanks for adding fuel to that fire". I explained how my evening had unfolded and no, I was not out on a date, that I had told them I was running late. In fact it was a chance meeting and no, we did not eat of the same fork, etc. S knows my colleague and laughed at that idea.

I laughed and told S that clearly I cannot get away with anything. He said his friends look out for me. ;D
« Last Edit: May 18, 2019, 08:59:40 PM by MourningDove »

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #82 on: May 19, 2019, 08:19:16 AM »
My sister called me this morning. I was still in bed at 8 am. She was out getting groceries and then going to my nephew's baseball game. (the 4th one this weekend) My sister asked if I was okay. i laughed and said I woke up and was just reading in bed for a bit before getting going. She said she was incredibly jealous.  ;D

But, my plan is not to spend the entire day in bed by myself when the sun is out and I am wanting to make progress on the yard today. The pond cover shifted at some point in the spring and it is going to require some cleaning out if I want to get the waterfall running again. I was angry at myself for not checking on that during one of the last wind storms, as it would have saved me some work, but so be it.

S and his gf are meeting D and her boyfriend at a car show, so the house will be quiet.

As my sister and I talked this morning my sister mentioned our M had called and was very concerned I was out alone last night. My sister laughed and told her I was fine. My sister tried to explain to M that I am not going to let life pass me by just because I am by myself. Furthermore, my sister - who was in an emotionally abusive relationship for several years before meeting my BIL - pointed out that during MLC and before MLC was full tilt, I went through a similar situation and I am spreading my wings again.

My sister and I have talked about this countless times, but I have been thinking about how much I gave of myself during the "reconciliation debacle" in particular. Prior to that, I had begun to push back a bit and be my own person. Not in a "you can't tell me what to do" sort of way, but in a healthier, relationship balance attempt. To have freedom and still be a good partner. The type of relationship my parents have and other good relationships I have witnessed over the years - that interdependence.

I never had a need for complete independence. But, looking back now, I see when my Xh came back around and paid attention to me, I ignored my own needs after awhile. I kept convincing myself they would come with time. Maybe they would have, I will never know. That said, I do honestly believe I started to excuse everything again and accept too much. Xh would go out and I was supposed to just trust him. If I went out I was either kept track of, via text or made to feel guilty for wanting a bit of solitude. Guilt trips laid on me and eventually, I found myself putting up with Xh doing what he wanted by himself or with friends and I was twisting my schedule to accommodate him. I didn't see it then, but looking back it shocks me.

It didn't happen overnight. It was gradual. My sister tried to point it out to me - over and over. I didn't want to hear it or see it, due to my own stubbornness and my own desire for this MLC to be over.

So, my sister saying to my M that I am spreading my wings, I suppose it is true. I don't like going places by myself all the time. But, I am not going to be someone who joins a club or something like that, as I am around people and organizations all the time. I would love to have someone to spend these moments with, but I have accepted that sometimes the only options I have are to stay home by myself or if I want to go to an event, it might have to be by myself. At times, I choose to stay home and in those moments there are times where it feels incredibly lonely. Other times, I am content in the solitude. When I go out, I try and embrace the moment for what it is. I am not going to let my new single status keep me from living my life.

As I said to my sister - I miss having someone special in my life. That would be a complete lie if I said otherwise, but this is where I am at. I can't see myself running around trying to fill my time because to me that is just doing what Xh is doing. Filling it with going places. Filling it with people to entertain him. I know that for me the solitude sucks at times, but in those moments I sometimes make the most progress personally, and sometimes, like last night, the universe drops a friend in my lap and it works out to be a nice spontaneous night out.

I am grateful for seeing my colleague and in spite of my Xh's crazy accusations, my colleague and I never have had any topics of discussion that are romantic in nature. We talk about politics, work, art, his wife's projects and my kids.

While I was out one of the people I saw at the restaurant was my uncle's widow. She is someone I really like. Technically, she is my aunt, but I knew her professionally before she and my uncle met. She has remained close to my parents, often going out with them. I am usually busy, so I don't see her as much as I would like to. She has had a difficult time adjusting to my uncle being gone. My cousin, her S, lives out of state now so she lives alone. She has said how tough it is at times and understands my loneliness, but also feels she has to just push forward and do things on her own.

I was so happy to see her last night. She invited me to come to her new painting studio. She has a fabulous studio in her house, but she said it is hard to work there now with my uncle gone. She rented a new space to be around other artists. Now that college is out, I am able to make that happen.

Before she left I told her about S replanting the tree my uncle gave me. She smiled and said that makes her so happy. She said she has 11 more saplings that he planted with the intention of giving away at some point. She has babied them and all of them have survived. She said I can come and get another at any time.

So, even though I started out alone last night, it wasn't such a bad thing, in fact, I quite enjoyed my new found freedom. But it is not freedom in the traditional sense. It is the freedom from the emotional abuse and stronghold Xh had over me in MLC.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #83 on: May 19, 2019, 09:17:18 AM »
I have a flowering almond tree that was given to us when S12 was born. One of the TGFs just about killed it by cutting the main trunk off and it has been very spindly since. I planted it in the garden of my flat at this year, it actually grew a new trunk so I'll have to cut it back a little this fall so it doesn't get too big.... S12 hasn't realized that is his tree. STBXW didn't want it because it was in a pot and not pretty....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #84 on: May 19, 2019, 09:48:06 AM »
UrsaMajor - this is why you and I get along. You too are a sap - LOL - yes bad pun.  ;D

But, I am glad that you still have that tree for your S.  :)

I have a rose bush that Xh and S picked out when S was a toddler. S was so proud of that rose bush. It got a bit scraggly, but I cut it back and it finally blossomed last year. Xh ripped it out in MLC and I saved it. So glad I did.

Funny, we had plants we brought back from Xh's uncle's house, from his grandparent's cottage and countless plants from my grandparents' houses. Xh loved those things. That was one of his complaints in MLC is that we should have just purchased new things, etc. It was one of those bizarre things that crossed his lips in MLC.

Yet last year he asked me if he could come take a few cuttings for his cottage. Yah, sure - come and dig them up. Hasn't happened.  ::)

My little tree is getting plenty of water. I am draining the pond. I tried to clean it out with the net, but I gave in and realized it is a losing battle today. So, I hooked up the pump. Started laughing when I looked outside and the pond I am draining is being filled with a downpour. That said, if we get that much rain I should build an ark, considering it is about 6 ft w x 10 ft long and 3.5 ft deep. LOL  I guess at least it means less water for me to pump back into it. LOL

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #85 on: May 19, 2019, 10:41:20 AM »
How lovely that both the almond tree and the rose are recovering, UM and Mourning. As you know, I too am a proud card-carrying sap about these kinds of things.

Actually I have mused more than once whether that is a marker of difference between the LBS and the MLCer. That most LBS seem to have an instinct towards repairing over replacing and seeing some things as irreplaceable as opposed to wanting something new. My h used to be like yours, Mourning, actually he was probably more sentimental than I was...but the MLC version (other than the strange Gollum-like blip of watchgate) seemed to value nothing from his old life at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #86 on: May 20, 2019, 08:18:40 AM »
UrsaMajor - this is why you and I get along. You too are a sap - LOL - yes bad pun.  ;D

<...snip...>

My little tree is getting plenty of water. I am draining the pond. I tried to clean it out with the net, but I gave in and realized it is a losing battle today. So, I hooked up the pump. Started laughing when I looked outside and the pond I am draining is being filled with a downpour. That said, if we get that much rain I should build an ark, considering it is about 6 ft w x 10 ft long and 3.5 ft deep. LOL  I guess at least it means less water for me to pump back into it. LOL

Love you too dear....  :-*

Seriously though, if you are getting that much rain, the water exchange will be decent not to mention that, rain water won't have the chlorine/bromine treatments done to it so pond critters will likely be happy... I mean, what is spring, sitting on the porch with a glass of wine while listening to

croaking in their puddle?

Didn't you have some fish in there? I seem to recall that you had gone and gotten some after they froze the year before.....

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #87 on: May 20, 2019, 08:22:26 AM »
Oooh....back to the potential of poisonous tree frogs lol
And if it is raining that much, great time to fill a moat...just sayin'  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #88 on: May 20, 2019, 08:28:03 AM »
Treasur - You can be included in the "sap club" - lol.  ;D

My Xh was probably way more sentimental about those things in many ways. I appreciate them and know where the many plantings came from. I have only one thing that I am probably very attached to and that is a patch of green onions that came from my grandparent's house. My grandfather passed away shortly after D was born and my grandmother decided to sell the house. Both of my grandfathers kept spectacular fruit and vegetable gardens, but I was too young when my F's father died for me to think about digging up a berry bush to replant. When my M's father passed away, he had long abandoned his gardening except for a small row of green onions. He ate those faithfully at lunch and dinner. He used to tell me when I was a kid that they kept him healthy and swore by them. It seemed only appropriate that I plant some in honor of him. My M always brings him 3 things to his gravesite on what would have been his birthday. My grandfather rarely drank or smoked, except for on his birthday - so he gets a shot of whiskey, a cigar and she plants green onions instead of the traditional flowers.

But, in terms of other plantings, it was Xh who started asking for cuttings and plants from loved one's gardens. He liked that connection. He was in fact envious of my family roots in the traditional sense. I knew my family history and had connections. His family moved around for years and then when they finally settled his parents divorced and he was on his own.

Xh was offered a job in NYC after working in London and our plan was to move there after we got married. After visiting the job and considering the position I remember him saying he would rather be near my family and live in a city closer to them. We lived an hour away until moving here 23 years ago. When we bought the house, he was the one who wanted to put in the plantings from other family members. I thought it was a great idea, but I cannot take credit for it. He was the one who, when our S was born made me promise that we wouldn't move because he wanted our kids to have a sense of community and family - because he wanted them to have roots.

I never really understood how important this was to him. It is rather ironic that he blew up the family he had and pushed for me to sell the house, and yet, in MLC land it makes perfect sense. He is trying to grab onto the roots that he never had. His family, his parents and B dying were certainly huge catalysts in all of this. Now he is trying to hold on to the remaining siblings and probably why he is so connected to my nephew. He is grabbing onto those roots. The sad thing is he has failed to see what he had and that his dysfunctional family dynamic is not likely to ever come together the way he wants.

So, I look at that and look at my own situation with the kids. I have made a promise to myself not to just move away without really thinking about it. There have been moments where I just want to start over fresh somewhere. Yet, I know that is reactive. So, for now, I am looking at the kids and I and just nurturing the roots we have here.

I didn't realize until this morning that S has added a trellis near the little sapling to help stabilize it while it takes root in it's new place.

The lilacs that Xh told me should be removed because they were dead - I cut the daylights out of those bushes last year and figured we would see what happened. They are covered in deep purple blossoms this year.

I was able to get some of the pond cleaned out, but the rain came yesterday. The rain is not what got me to abandon that job - it was the lighting and wind that were a bit much.

Yesterday my coworker sent me a text mid-afternoon. I had spoken to him on Saturday night and he was working otherwise he would have escorted me to the art opening. He was with his S yesterday and they were taking a train ride. He sent a photo and the pure joy on both of their faces was apparent. I was kidding him telling him that the whole single, involved dad thing was very sexy and clearly working for him. He asked what I was up to. I sent him a picture of myself covered in mud. I told him that I feared what I fished out of that pond because I know that in the mix of leaves I found little bones and parts that were from frogs, but not entire frogs. I would have preferred entire frogs - yuck. I said if there were any way to feel completely undesirable doing that particular job was the way. He told me he quite liked the mud on my cheek and nose and he begged to differ. Yah, I don't think he was telling the truth - LOL

When I saw him this morning his first words were to ask me where my smudge of mud was on my cheek, he quite liked that. LOL

One of my friends was kidding me yesterday saying maybe my coworker is the frog I am supposed to kiss and he is my prince. I just about died laughing this morning when he was wearing a new green shirt. Of course my coworker gave me a funny look when I laughed at him - I told him to never mind and green was a good color for him.  ;D

Offline MourningDoveTopic starter

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Re: Reassembling - removing the pieces that no longer make sense
« Reply #89 on: May 20, 2019, 08:35:35 AM »
UrsaMajor and Treasur - you both posted right as I hit post.

The poor "adopted" fish did not seem to make it, unless they are still hiding in the bottom of the pond. There is still enough water in there and a cave that runs under the waterfall that they could be hiding in. But the odd weather we had this winter is what killed several fish and the frogs I am afraid. The warm spell in December confused them and they came to the top of the pond right as we had a deep freeze. This has happened a couple of times in recent years. I was talking to a friend of mine who has had a pond for years and he has had the same issue. I think I may have to make modifications for wintering them over moving forward. I suspect a small heater or water bubbler that runs in the winter.

But, I could be surprised and find a couple of them survived.

As for the chirping frogs - we have tree frogs that are almost deafening at times. My friend who now lives in Maryland hated them. She claimed it was a horrible sound. I frankly love the sound and it is only for a short time period. They started a couple of weeks ago and will stop about mid to late June. By then the fire flies will be out so I will have a different thing to amuse myself with. LOL

But, I agree, the rain water is a much better option in the pond -and the moat. Right now there has been so much rain it wouldn't take much to fill a moat.

But, Treasur - thanks for reminding me about those poisonous tree frogs - I had forgotten. LOL

The possibilities! Hahaha

 

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