Author Topic: My Story Journey of one Sun  (Read 1137 times)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starter

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My Story Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #20 on: May 06, 2019, 06:21:12 PM »
I’m back on planet Earth today, was able to concentrate at work and feel good about myself.

Thanks 66 for pointing out the conflict avoidance issue, I didn’t really consider that before. He’s definitely like a turtle now, he was not like this before. It’s very strange to observe. Is this fear of rejection? So ironic!

What are the thoughts about the avoidance of touch in MLC? Is this shame? Revulsion? Guilt? Fear? This seems to be something really particular to MLC, I don’t see much written about this physical avoidance in general betrayers who say they want to stay married.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #21 on: May 07, 2019, 10:27:28 AM »
I'm no expert but to me the avoidance of touch is in the same vicinity as the avoidance of talking about the issue. See, talking about the issue requires one to open up and express feelings. In order to express feelings you have to feel feelings. Depression centers around not wanting to feel anything and to avoid any and all feelings and to isolate. I don't think it's revulsion or fear or guilt - I think he doesn't know or doesn't want to know how he really feels.
When you are depressed you do not want any touch, you do not want to talk about anything worthwhile, you just want to withdraw from the world and remain invisible.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #22 on: May 07, 2019, 11:10:36 AM »
Can also be part of ow withdrawal (or ongoing affair) that they feel as if it is being 'unfaithful' to ow. I know...bonkers   ::)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2019, 06:23:47 PM »
I have definitely considered this weird faithfulness to the OW, and that was certainly an issue during touch and goes. He’s different now, but still in crisis I know. He had a very visible awakening experience last year, he was still overseas and realised he’d miss D’s middle school graduation, he became positively frantic that he had to be here. While here he decided he would go back and close the business and move back home within 3 months. I know he didn’t finish with OW until nearly the end but it was an explosive end, she assaulted him requiring a dozen stitches. She blocked him on social media. He went through withdrawal was catatonic the first 3 months. I really do think it’s over, although I’m no fool (anymore). I do think she was Borderline, they’re hard to get rid of. It takes strength and courage. Early in his return He did say he felt guilty about leaving her.  ::) whatever, hasn’t said anything like that again. But then again he doesn’t talk about much. I hope he pursues IC, I can’t force that but hope he seeks it.

He’s been away dealing with his mother’s death and her estate, calls twice a day. I never call him, let him make contact when he’s in the right frame of mind. I have no idea what his mother’s death will do to his emotional state but he is still saying he is determined to be here and talks about the future.

I just get on with my life, I don’t have much free time or friends but family life keeps me occupied. Am I co-depenendant? Not sure, I think i’m Very independent and can manage with or without him. Working on detachment to protect myself from his cycling. I do my own cycling and try to get space to chill my mind if I can.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #24 on: May 19, 2019, 01:33:33 AM »
Fwiw you found like your doing very well
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline SunandshadeTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #25 on: May 19, 2019, 10:59:48 AM »
Thanks Sachet, ok today but always tense in anticipation of possible new shocks.

This week I noticed an old friend and colleague was connected on LinkedIn with the OW, keeping in mind that she was working in my husband’s office at a job she’s wholly unqualified for. I sent him a message asking how he knew her, trying to gauge if he was in the know of their affair. He innocently enoughexplained she was assisting on some marketing material. I asked him to disconnect from her. He replied may I ask why and I replied, thank you with no further details. I think he did not disconnect. I later found out he screenshotted the conversation to my H. So I disconnected with him.

I’m not prepared to tolerate toxic people at the moment, I know it’s a grey area but i’d rather be alone that feel surrounded by people who don’t give a crap about me and my family. Maybe it’s not healthy but i’m willing to go scorched earth.

Online Milly

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2019, 12:14:23 PM »
Sun, I'm just catching up with your thread and sorry you're here but I am impressed at how much you have managed to do since BD. Your moving back from Asia with your kids and establishing a new routine, your work, then dealing with a live in MLCer. I don't think there's any advice I can give you. You seem to be handling it all just the right way. Keep doing what you're doing.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #27 on: May 19, 2019, 01:11:37 PM »
Honestly sun I don’t blame you. You need people you can trust in life and if you don’t have that, you don’t have much else tbf
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #28 on: May 19, 2019, 01:31:32 PM »
Well, to be fair your old friend/colleague may be bemused and know nothing much. Although the screenshot thing was weird. But yes, completely makes sense to draw firm lines in the sand with anyone who you think might not have your back. Our spouses create chaos and uncertainty...you have the right to protect you and your kids from any more of that.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #29 on: May 19, 2019, 05:32:37 PM »
I was suspicious about the friend already, also one other i’m fairly sure was an enabler but is harder to delete from my life as he is the father of one of my son’s best friends. I hate the feeling of being humiliated by my H and these people, them encouraging my H in the destruction of our family like it’s all a big joke. Maybe i’m too old fashioned or something but I think a real friend would tell you you’re being an ass.

I keep my eyes open now, any whiff of contact with the OW and he’s on the street.  8) let his friends laugh about that!

 

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