Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 1019 times)

Offline DisillusionedTopic starter

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Discussion Re: She filed
« Reply #40 on: May 16, 2019, 09:55:27 AM »
Treasur - You are correct; she's not a therapist.  But I'll be honest, she immediately gave credibility to MLC that I've struggled to gain from my therapist.  She's got tons of real world experience to go on.  It was validating, to be sure.  She also said "You know you're not 100% at fault for the failure of your marriage, right?  I know she's probably told you that it's all your fault."  So, yeah.  She gets it. :)
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Online Treasur

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Re: She filed
« Reply #41 on: May 16, 2019, 10:06:31 AM »
It just helps to know that someone in RL does not think you are crazy doesn't it? Or expect you to explain things that make no sense at all.

I hope it isn't the case for you,Dis, but MLC clearly trumps divorce. Few MLCers seem to suddenly get happier or more normal to deal with even when they file and are apparently gettingbwhat they want. In fact imho some find the grown up reality of facts and consequences so uncomfortable that their behaviour gets more bonkers....hence an MLC divorce flavour added to what is already a stressful legal process you did not choose. That was certainly the case with my xh and some other HS folks here. I hope I am wrong and that isn't your experience; but if it is, it will help you tremendously to have a sane L who knows that you are a sane reasonable adult dealing with somebody who is driven by cycling and sometimes extreme emotions that have nothing to do with you, your marriage or the facts. Or even the law sometimes lol.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 10:08:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #42 on: May 16, 2019, 10:55:39 AM »
It is a HUGE help.  That way, she doesn't think I'M the crazy one.

Treasur, I'm expecting the worst.  MLCW told our mediator she wanted our divorce to be "loving."  Since that eyebrow raising proclamation, she's continued to treat me like less than gum on her shoe.  She filled D8's Christmas list without conferring with me, other than to say "We need to be careful not to spoil her."  I think she probably spent 3 to 4 times what I did, based on reports from D8.  As you know, she didn't let me say goodbye to MIL.  We have a signed agreement for mediation, and that contained an agreement not to make any unilateral decisions.  Instead, she went to a lawyer and filed for divorce the day before our wedding anniversary.  She has proven to be nothing more than a deceitful individual and has caused me to doubt the reality of the last 20 years.  She's no one I want to have in my life.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: She filed
« Reply #43 on: May 16, 2019, 12:20:49 PM »
Hello,

Quote
Went to meet with an attorney yesterday.  She's been practicing 30 years.  No Yelp reviews, and not much of an office.  Stacks of papers everywhere, no computer...  I'm doing my best not to judge the book by the cover.  I was referred to her by an ex girlfriend and told she was tough.

Good you went to an attorney. Just to let you know that most of what you deal with will be driven by the formulas and law and there is not much to deal with.

The first thing is revenue. Who makes more or are you equal. In my case my ex had never worked. On was on the hook for 5 years at the max for alimony.

If she works and you are close in income, there may not be alimony.

Child custody and support works the same. Because you are in California. The court likes to split the custody 50/50. Unless either side can prove that the other spouse is unable to parent (which is rare), the custody is joint.

Then you divide debts and assets.

The most important part for your attorney is writing and reviewing the settlement. One additional word, a comma, or period can alter the entire agreement. That's why they get the big bucks.

The less you quibble as a couple of property, the better.

The biggest test is how well can you compromise and work with your ex. However, make sure your attorney knows and is aware of your boundaries and priorities. She can then negotiate the deal that works for you.

Hate to say this, but if both parties walk away dissatisfied with the agreement then it was probably a good settlement. That's how divorce works.

Quote
She's no one I want to have in my life.

That's why I stopped my stand. As much as I loved her and wanted to keep the family together, I knew I couldn't have her in my life. It was too much of a distraction, too destructive to my social, mental, professional, and financial health.

Quote
Instead, she went to a lawyer and filed for divorce the day before our wedding anniversary.

Mine came into marriage counseling and announced she had filed for divorce. Beamed like she had just won the Nobel Peace Prize. So I totally get the betrayal. Just another knife wound in the back.

Knowing what she is capable of doing, you have to treat this like a business transaction with a total stranger. Do not assume in any manner that she is going to not try and take advantage of you. Just like everything else, she feels she entitled to everything and her attorney may have to reel her in. However, don't let her try to make any deals that are not in writing and part of the settlement.

Finally note for Morte,

Quote
we could relax and (hopefully) have them out the house by 50.

That is pure fantasy. THEY WILL NEVER FULLY LEAVE...........Sorry.

Fist bump,

Ready






Everything is treated like a business
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #44 on: May 16, 2019, 12:40:16 PM »
Thanks Ready.

It looks like our main concerns are going to be D8 custody and support, and the house.  Alimony doesn't appear to be applicable here, based on several different attorney consultations I've had.
Like you, I'd prefer that we hadn't ended up here.  I was willing to accept my role in things and try to work it out.  But, she's been pretty consistent in her "salt the earth" mentality.  She's nuked our life from orbit.  If she were to come back (not happening in this lifetime) and ask me to try to work it out, she would not be capable of what I would need to be safe.  Starting with her job.  Then some of her friends.  I wouldn't ask her to do those things, as it would be deemed too controlling of me, but those are the things I would need.  And with no guarantee that it would work out, I just choose to move forward.

To me, she said she "checked out" in 2014.  She was falling out of love every year prior.  Yes, she was monstering when she said it.  But taken at face value:  my life has not been what I thought it was for a minimum of 5-10 years.  She is either lying now, or was lying then.  Either way: a liar and a cheater.  I need to stop wasting any further time.  BD was Feb 2017 and she's been hell bent on destroying our relationship since then.  I've got no more time to give her.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline Silver

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Re: She filed
« Reply #45 on: May 20, 2019, 12:02:39 AM »
Hey Dis,

2 years from BD is not long time as you know but since she is doing what she is (wouldn't mind much about what she SAYS though) you are right not to give her your time, use it for yourself any way that helps you to live on, standing or not. Leave to herself all that nonsense she spills out when monstering. Your 'doubt the reality for 20 years' is very understandable but don't waste your resources for that, they all re-write history and speak whatever to make their bad decisions legit (in their own minds only of course).

Hopefully you get the custody and house stuff solved, helped me a lot when we got rid of the family house (wasn't easy but relieving) and some clarity for custody things.
« Last Edit: May 21, 2019, 12:21:46 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #46 on: May 20, 2019, 03:52:52 AM »
Thanks for the insight Silver.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #47 on: June 11, 2019, 04:09:06 PM »
So it's been over a month since she filed.  I retained an attorney and filed a response.  She still has not mentioned it.   :o No acknowledgement at all.  Has anyone else experienced this???  And now, after two years of monster, she's friendly and sharing about her life.  Offered to pray for my father after finding out he has prostate cancer, even though she wouldn't allow me to say goodbye to her dying mother.  Asked me how my vacation was.  We sat together for two days in a row as D8's end of year school activites required our participation,  and thanked me for saving her a seat.  Playfully slapped me on the arm today.  Maintained eye contact and shared that her father just got out of the hospital.   The only reference to our situation at all was a comment that we should get a cloud account to share photos of D8. 

Can anyone share any insight on this behavior? 
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: She filed
« Reply #48 on: June 11, 2019, 06:48:41 PM »
Imo, it's because they finally feel free. And look, every thing is just peachy! You can be FRIENDS!. That was an "Uh, no" for me. My friends don't treat me like that.

In their mind all the cards are on the table, they are not married anymore (the whole going through and finalizing the divorce is just....stuff....) . Do your best to politely tell her to keep her hands off if it bothers you, or roll with it if it doesn't.  It's time for whatever your boundaries are and to be the sane parent for your D. And to make sure she learns this is not an appropriate way to end a marriage, without being the crazy one. It's a dance you shouldn't have to do with your D, but here you are.

This is so hard. I'll bet you are still in a state of semi shock from all of it. Keep taking care of you and D8, and don't be the "nice guy" in the divorce. Be the responsible one for your D. Keep everything you are entitled to, give nothing extra. That is my advice. Good luck!
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: She filed
« Reply #49 on: June 11, 2019, 06:58:21 PM »
Now to see if she follows thru......... seems like they often don't.

Hold on tight...... maybe she'll snap out before the end.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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