Author Topic: My Story My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars  (Read 3223 times)

Offline hawk

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My Story Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #20 on: May 18, 2019, 06:13:24 PM »
l see all points really , tricky sitch.
Think l suggested way back when a completely separate section , movin on or something like that.
Personally l think on one hand it gives others hope and a bit of experience for when and if their time comes, and being able to talk about it with other people that have been through our stuff but nah , the nitty gritties and bedroom imo is def past the point. Any consolation though , my God the stuff they so called share in normal forums these days, is just mind boggling, and sickening to really what people will go onto the net and tell the whole world.
'
Anyway , all reasons l pretty well dropped out here too when things started moving on for me. It is tricky and there's so much pain here, so on the other hand too the last thing many wanna think or hear about is someone new.
Double edged sword.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2019, 06:19:39 PM by hawk »
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Online ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2019, 10:40:33 PM »
I have learned in therapy that when something bothers me it is usually related to something in my own past history.

I am thinking through what is it about his posts that is causing my reaction?

So in spite of some differing of opinions, I shall use this to further explore why it matters to me at all

I think you’re onto something here.  I’ve been wondering why you continue to follow my thread if it bothers you so much since you could always just skip right past it.  Perhaps it’s the fact that we share the same faith, that I was a stander for 5 years or perhaps our friendship of 8 years now.  Perhaps it’s because I’m a male.  I don’t know but I don’t think it’s what it seems.  I hope this exploration can lead to more healing for you, my friend.  You deserve it.

Thank you Anjae, FTT, LP and all who’ve weighed in.  The fact that we’re having this discussion at all is a very good thing and my comment about providing support was about all those who read the threads and see commonalities with those who are posting.  My earliest posts evoked a great deal of discussion and I’ve had many tell me over the years that they learned from me but moreso from those who shared their perspectives and insights.  Somewhere out there is an LBS who has the same questions I do but does not ask them.  I’m more than happy to comment on others threads but since I am somewhat of a rogue here I probably should wait to be invited.

My comment about sex was in reply to Ready’s question about what I’m getting from the relationship and nothing more.  No details will be shared about that.

Gf and I are healing and she’s ahead of me in some ways as I am of her in others.  We learn from each other.  Today we attended a party thrown by a mutual friend who has been a great resource in helping me understand gf and navigate the relationship rapids.  We were all talking together tonight about gf pursuing me long before I even knew she was interested and segued into what’s great about us.  Basically we’re both “weird” in a good way and get each other where not many do.  We talked about how our friend and her H are so happy and in love 10 years later and how they both had several failed relationships before meeting someone they truly connected with.  Go and the mutual friend are very much alike and are much more sensitive and perceptive than the average person from my experience so they understand each other.  It made me feel good to hear gf mention what she likes about me, and today was the first time ever (according to her) that she’s ever let anyone drive her vehicle.  She does fulfill my emotional needs and I know she has long- term plans for us but gets skittish when focusing on them so we e decided to relax and enjoy our time together and focus on the present.

One topic to bring up is how others have overcome insecurities in their new relationships.  She has commented that I over-analyze and question us too much and she’s right.  Fears of infidelity or comparisons to past lovers are hard to overcome. Having a partner who has lived a full life without us is much different than the one with the young inexperienced ex.  I’ll go into it deeper later but I’m sure it’s something we all face to varying degrees.

Peace to you all.

One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline hawk

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #22 on: May 19, 2019, 12:37:36 AM »
Yeah , been told similar , l accept now that the past is still messing with me and l try to be honest about it.
l think personally it's great the way you guys keep chipping away together yet still connect and likeminded , hard to find, and that she's been into you for a long time, great stuff imo.
Soldier on until your own further notice imo, best of luck.
Together 19yrs
BD, 2012
Divorce 16mths later

Offline xyzcf

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #23 on: May 19, 2019, 05:50:18 AM »
Quote
Quote
Quote from: xyzcf on May 18, 2019, 05:03:24 PM
I have learned in therapy that when something bothers me it is usually related to something in my own past history.

I am thinking through what is it about his posts that is causing my reaction?

So in spite of some differing of opinions, I shall use this to further explore why it matters to me at all

I think you’re onto something here.  I’ve been wondering why you continue to follow my thread if it bothers you so much since you could always just skip right past it.


I am actually more curious as to what is causing a strong reaction in me regarding using Heros Spouse to ask for relationship advice, but I think Thundaar is the only one doing that. Others have mentioned they are in a relationship, some have married and that is part of their story, but they are not writing about their "issues", that seem to be many, in a current ongoing relationship. That is the difference I think.

In pondering my feelings about this, something else struck me from my therapy sessions. Respect. When Thundaar shares information about his gf, in the detail that he does and the issues they are having he is not respecting her. That's my own feeling, I own it because of my own experience of not being shown respect.

What would she think if she read these posts? True, Anjae said that is not our concern but again, I am looking at this topic, as I look at all topics from my own lens. Will you share your threads with her? If not, why wouldn't you?

From your initial "dating" encounters you have felt the need to share that you had sex...and again, just from my own perspective it feels like you are bragging that you "got lucky". Once again, I don't see others in relationships at all mentioning their sexual lives except for one other poster.

I actually follow almost all posts on HS except for one person's. I am always interested especially in old timers, because there is a lot of history shared so I wouldn't agree to any of your assessments regarding my reading your posts.

As I said, my comments are my own feelings about how this affects me and others who stumble across your thread. Hawk actually stated it well:

Quote
It is tricky and there's so much pain here, so on the other hand too the last thing many wanna think or hear about is someone new.

I think this says a lot about one of the reasons that I don't want HS to try and meet the needs of LBSers who are in new relationships and wish to receive the same level of support and conversation because they are having difficulties with their new partner ...as I previously stated, go see a counsellor together. Don't share her story here for the world to see, especially if she has not given you permission to do so.

I also have stated and will state again, "dating" tips is also something I don't feel is needed on HS...but then as you all know, I am not dating, nor will I be. HS is a safe place for many LBSers who are dealing with issues relating to MLC. People may read every single thread as I once did..it calmed me to read other's stories that were so similar to mine and so your need to vent and debate ways to find a new partner doesn't override their need to be in a safe place. And those dating issues may cause them concern..especially if they have found HS and have hope of a restored marriage one day. I know that hope may not be a reality for many, but at least initially, that hope helps people to get through each day.

As for the worn out comment, "if you don't like a thread then don't read it" that is like burying your head in the sand. If I see something that I don't think is appropriate then I think it is good to bring it out in the open and not "pretend" that is doesn't exist.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2019, 05:52:54 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #24 on: May 19, 2019, 06:57:31 AM »
X, this reminds me of several years ago when the county I live in had a vote on whether to start allowing the sale of alcohol or not.  One of the loudest voices against it used the reason that he should not have to go to a restaurant and look over on someone else’s table and see a drink sitting there.  Of course the responses to him were why was he looking on their table in the first place and to stop looking if it offended him.  This is also reminiscent of when people join private groups on FB that are meant for humor and then report people’s posts.  If you see something you don’t like just keep scrolling.

Perhaps reading my thread makes it harder to resist dating for you?  And what’s the difference in my sharing details of my relationship from others posting the day-to-day and historic details of their relationship with the MLCer?  We all have differences but share a commonality.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline xyzcf

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #25 on: May 19, 2019, 07:30:30 AM »
Quote
Perhaps reading my thread makes it harder to resist dating for you?

I do not date because I remain faithful and obedient to the sacrament of marriage. All who know me know that I have never waivered.

Your comment to me was uncalled for.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online Mitzpah

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #26 on: May 19, 2019, 12:23:32 PM »
T.

I follow every single thread on HS. Sure, I skip over some threads very quickly. I am curious by nature.

On the other hand, I have found myself to be a "covenant" stander - I live in a country and culture that is alien to this concept. It is much more matter of fact - I love my h. and I have no interest in another person as in a romantic relationship.

Quote
Perhaps reading my thread makes it harder to resist dating for you?

I do not date because I remain faithful and obedient to the sacrament of marriage. All who know me know that I have never waivered.

Your comment to me was uncalled for.

I also think this was uncalled for.

Xyzcf is a very honest person and is not afraid to defend her position.

I am actually part of a church that accepts divorce, same sex marriages, remarriages of all types. You may ask why I continue to stand?

I love my h. ,  I believe that a covenant is forever and I guess I am probably in the wrong church :P just as my deceased father used to wonder... he was an ordained minister in our church - go figure...

I have no wish to date, either.
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline Anjae

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #27 on: May 19, 2019, 03:29:25 PM »
What would she think if she read these posts? True, Anjae said that is not our concern but again, I am looking at this topic, as I look at all topics from my own lens. Will you share your threads with her? If not, why wouldn't you?

We all view things through our own lens. For me, having a HS member showing/sharing their threads with a gf/bf makes no sense, it would be like doing so with the MLC. It may because I see HS as a place for me, and not for anyone else, be it a relative, SO, etc.

Also because I think HS should be a safe place for LBS regarldess of their point in the journey.

On the other hand, I have found myself to be a "covenant" stander - I live in a country and culture that is alien to this concept.

Such culture and concept are also alien here. However, unlike many LBS in RL, I am lucky, no one has ever pushed me to date or otherwise. I am know to do what I feel like, be it date, be on my own, etc. Also, arts & culture people tend to be very liberal and don't mind much with a person's status.

I don't mind dating/having a new relationship, but it would have to be with someone I like and who likes me. I've been slowly doing the dating as in going for coffee and talk, as I did after BD. That is fine, there is no pressure. I would like something serious and lasting, but is a litlle more complicated to find someone in the same wave lenght. When the time is righe he will show.  :)

In my case, after all the years I spend looking after my maternal grandmother, I needed time just to myself and only very recently did I realize I had again space for someone else in my life.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online ThundarrTopic starter

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #28 on: May 19, 2019, 09:08:29 PM »
Time to get back on track.  RCR has made it clear all LBS are welcome here, I’m not going anywhere and this discussion has become a hijack.  I’ll not respond to any other comments about whom should or should not post here and about what nor shall I impose my views on others.  Thank you all for the intelligent discussion but it’s over.  As I suggested before, perhaps a different icon for those who are no longer standing would be a good solution for everyone.

Had a great morning with gf and addressed some things that will hopefully make us much stronger as a couple.  We agreed not to take FB so seriously and to focus more on our time together.  We also agreed not to have conflicts or discuss controversial topics via text but rather by phone or in person.  We e also noted that mid-week is when most of our arguments happen and both agreed her job stress is a huge factor.  We work well as a team and I’m sure we can work through these patterns. 

Still interested in how others have overcome the effects of the MLC divorce and the insecurities of dating someone who’s lived a full life before us. 

Peace to you all.
One day at a time.

Thundarr

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: My Moving On Story pt. 3 - Under Your Scars
« Reply #29 on: May 19, 2019, 10:58:43 PM »
Without naming names (and actually excluding Thundarr as I have not read his posts that seem to be generating a lot of complaints), I do have to admit reading about some LBS's dating experiences on here makes me realize two things:
1-Some LBS are really not the best dating material themselves as they are really messed up psychologically (either due to the effect of the MLC experience or pre-existing issues aggravated by the MLC experience)
2-Number 1 makes me think that standing for a currently messed up but previously compatible spouse is a better bet then diving into a world of others who may have failed relationships, either as an MLCer, LBS or simply someone who just couldn't hack marriage and basically playing Russian roulette with unknown people. As the saying goes, better the devil that you know.

In short, it makes me see standing in a more positive light, rather than discourages me from standing.

 

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