Author Topic: My Story H filed for divorce  (Read 8061 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Re: Is it MLC or Emotional Numbness?
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2016, 03:50:24 PM »
It sounds a lot like Mr J. MLC is full of numbness, so, it is safe to say being numb is part of being in MLC. There is a reason why MLCers need to medicate with all sorts of things, affairs, drinking, behaving like a teenager, you name it.

While they are at it, they think they are dodging the pain. They are not, they are only digging a deeper inner hole.

Yes, emotional numbness can occur if you have unprocessed grief and or trauma.  LBSers feel numb as well.  Immediately after BD, I know I was numb. 

Makes two.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline strongFaith34Topic starter

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2016, 12:58:08 PM »
H wants a quick divorce....he can't stand that I am living in the house and is determined to sell it quickly. I just wanted to know worst case from start to finish if he files, how much time do I have before I am forced to sell ?

Offline Onward

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #12 on: June 07, 2016, 01:17:24 PM »
OM, I can't offer a lot of advise on the too-ing and fro-ing, other than to agree they are touch and goes.

In my situation, after one year H also wanted to suddenly quickly sell the house. I was living in it. I don't think he liked the tie or the financial responsibility. I was in the house for a year taking care of everything, and he never so much as even asked about it.

He pushed to sell it, and said he was going to file. The house was sold, which I agreed to while we were in the midst of mediation. (There were reasons that made some sense at the time, and I did agree to the sale. In hindsight, I was not in the best emotional position to make that decision.)

The mediation was never completed, I now really regret selling the house, and he's done nothing to move forward with a D.

Think through both the emotional and the logical aspects of the house ownership. Don't be pushed into selling it if it makes more sense for you to remain there.

It is only my opinion, but, if he insists on a D, let him initiate that. If the sale of the house ends up being a requirement, that will get worked through as part of the D process.

If I could do it over again, I would not have agreed to sell the house without a D completed.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2016, 01:25:28 PM by Onward »
"and though she be but little, she is fierce" - Shakespeare

Offline Velika

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #13 on: June 07, 2016, 04:59:26 PM »
Yes, do not sell the house. I think these men are all in a fantasy land. They don't understand the practical ramifications of their actions. If you don't have a lawyer to help you it may be time to find one.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #14 on: June 07, 2016, 06:01:27 PM »
H wants a quick divorce....he can't stand that I am living in the house and is determined to sell it quickly. I just wanted to know worst case from start to finish if he files, how much time do I have before I am forced to sell ?

Every locale has its own rules and regulations regarding divorces and separations. You would benefit from getting a legal consult. Many attorneys offer the first meeting free, and from there you can get more information and see if you need to retain one. I'm sorry you're in this position and that he is being so aggressive, but it is best to put the crisis aside and protect yourself in whatever way you legally need to.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline strongFaith34Topic starter

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #15 on: June 08, 2016, 11:28:27 AM »
How do we know that our H's are not BPD and just having a midlife crisis? I realized H only see's in black and white, either he can love me or hate me...can't handle when any arguments arise throughout our marriage.
« Last Edit: June 08, 2016, 11:30:09 AM by OceanMist34 »

Offline Jaybeecee

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #16 on: June 08, 2016, 11:52:18 AM »
Not an expert but I thought mine was BPD until finding this site.  They sure look similar on the surface.  My guess is though that BPD doesn't just pop up after 20 years or so.

Me 43
H 42
OW 10/16/15
BD 01/16 ILYBINILWY
S 13, S 11
Divorce final 8/24/16
xH marries OW 10/14/16

Offline Capri

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #17 on: June 08, 2016, 12:07:53 PM »
Yes, the back and forth on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis is very concerning.  I think BPD has longer periods of extreme highs followed by extreme lows.  And MLC?  Well, it seems to have a very broad spectrum of actions. 

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #18 on: June 08, 2016, 01:06:45 PM »
Do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder (that's the one that is usually shortened to bpd). RCR has written on the main site some comparisons between borderlines and narcissists and MLCers, but these won't be things that just show up for the first time at midlife, if they are truly personality disordered.

If you mean bipolar, my spouse was diagnosed as such in 2010, but even though I have embraced that diagnosis as a possible cause for his behavior, from everything I've educated myself about in the last six years, it does not really fit. Bipolar is a serious psychiatric disorder and even with the lesser versions of it, there would have been much more early behavior in his 20s and 30s that would have been bigger red flags. It *can* get worse at midlife as the hormone changes appear, but it would be very, very rare for a manic episode to last the timeframe that we see for MLC.

But having said that, we really don't know. We don't know what our spouses have suppressed or hidden for many years. We don't know the inner workings of their minds. All we can do is ask ourselves that if this *was* a disorder, not MLC, what would we do differently? Would we not be standing? Would we be involving medical professionals (if we could)? Would our approaches to co-parenting or divorce be different?

If we're truly living "as if", not much would change. It is still their lives and their brains that they must figure out, and if they're not allowing us a role in that, then that's the main thing we have to accept.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Capri

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Re: Need advice:
« Reply #19 on: June 08, 2016, 01:41:46 PM »
I read BPD to mean bipolar disorder.  I see that OceanMist could well have been referring to borderline personality disorder.

I have given my H's crisis much thought and have looked for a medical explanation.  I know that I would never give up on my children, even as adults, if they were to have a mental crisis.  So, shouldn't I have the same conviction for my H? 

I have stopped trying to label his crisis.  As Ready2Transform states ... what would we do differently if there were a medical explanation?  Probably nothing.  I think we are looking for an answer to help improve our own self-esteem which had been severely battered by all of this.

 

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