Author Topic: My Story "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne  (Read 9226 times)

Offline OffRoad

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3432
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #140 on: January 27, 2019, 08:04:41 PM »
I have two questions regarding T, Superman. When was the last time you asked her out and what was her reply? I get that you were communicating (how? Phone? Text? In person?) And then she backed off, but there are large spaces in your updates where things could have or didn't happen  :).

I mean, she might have backed off because she was scared which is understandable, or she might feel like she is doing all the pursuing and  doesn't like that which is her right or she might just have too much on her plate like you indicated. I was thinking if you hadn't invited her out recently, I know when I am overwhelmed I love to go somewhere where none of it is anything I need to plan or think of. She may not initiate because it's too much to deal with at the moment. It's just a thought.

I am so glad you had that big sturdy truck when that rock appeared, and that nothing but the truck was hurt. I'll bet that plays over and over in your mind at times and I am so glad you are ok.

Was your S assigned a location for his mission, or was he able to request some different places he thought he could help best?

When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline SupermanTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1782
  • Gender: Male
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #141 on: February 20, 2019, 09:40:47 AM »
Update time:

First off S19 is now able to call, text and video chat home once a week to go along with emailing. For a long time communication was limited so missionaries could stay focused on their purpose and not get caught up in things going on back at home. There have been a lot of kids recently struggling in the mission field and I think more regular communication will help strengthen them. For s19 I know this will be good because he is so centered on our family yet he so wants to serve and help others.

OFFROAD- S19 was assigned to server in the area he is at. When filling out the paperwork, the missionaries can state if they want to stay in their home country, serve abroad, have language skills that might help. Ultimately S19 stated he would serve where ever he was asked to which turned out to be Cincinnati Ohio. He is doing really good, and really likes the area and people.

The girls are doing well. D9 is turning into a shadow of D16. They get along so well together and help each other out all the time. Its the little things like this that reminds me of how blessed I am to be able to be this involved in their lives and not miss.  XW has been communicating a lot with D16...they text a lot and call a lot. I feel like XW is as stable as I have seen in the past 7+ years. While I still disagree with a lot of the things she is doing and the way she is doing them, I am happy for her that she doesn't appear to be in the dark dark place she seemed stuck in. Sounds like the loser will be back soon, and I guess since they didn't get married when they went to Scotland like they planned, I guess they will try to do that here on this visit. What a unbelievable situation when I think about it. While it is very painful still, I try my best to let it go, and keep myself moving forward.

As for Miss T---We have been communicating still almost daily by text keeping the door open. When I see her in person she is quite friendly, but there is definitely a wall that she has put up. I'm pretty certain she was getting some feeling as well and when I talked to her about it, she got scared.  To test my theory on this...valentines day I sent her some beautiful flowers with a simple note saying I was thinking of her. I was expecting either a "I'm not into and this won't work" reaction or  a "thank you, we should get together sometime" reaction. Well her reaction was somewhere in the middle. Then at church this week, he little one saw me across the chapel and I guess kept wanting to come sit by for the whole time. Miss T let me know that while we said hi a little later. Later on I sent her a message saying if she wanted to go to the women's activity this week, that I would happy to watch her little one for a few hours. Her response was that after a long day of work it was hard to think about leaving her kids and not being with them, but she thanked me for the offer and she would think about it.

So I think she is nervous and letting the space be to guard herself, while watching me how I react and conduct myself...am I who I say I am? can she trust me? as she has been burned before. So she keeps the distance to where she feels safe yet can still watch me.  I'm in no hurry for anything so if we are to just be friends so be it, if the opportunity to take it further arrives...I'm interested....but I also know how hard it was for me to open myself up to her in the beginning...I know I won't be out searching for the next gal any time soon.  I guess that means time to let time do its thing and work everything out. I am just focused on me and my kids, while trying to keep myself open to what may come my way... For now...thats my strategy.

Another day closer to something.....
'

Offline SupermanTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1782
  • Gender: Male
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #142 on: August 10, 2019, 07:23:21 PM »
Wowzers!! Ive been gone a while it seems...lol

Heres a little catch up in superman's world....

S20 is doing well. He is in his 3rd area in Ohio....Wilmington, and He loves it. A couple weeks ago he was ready to call it quits and come home as he was sick, the heat and humidity, as well as being in an urban area (suburb of Cincinnati) didn't mix well. We talked for a while and things seemed to click back into place for him. He is meeting some fantastic people, and having lots of opportunity to serve and help the people of Ohio. He has been out 8 months out of his 2 year commitment....time just keeps plugging along...

D17 has had a busy summer.....She went to Europe for 10 days with a school group. They went to London, Paris, Rome, and Florence. She absolutely loved it. She is trying to take control of her depression and anxiety and voluntarily asked for help and to return to some medication to help manage it. She seems to be doing well even with the occasional bump in the road. She is entering her last year of High School and already making some glorious plans for the future....(crazy to think at my young age I will have 2 college kids and left with only one at home).

D9 is just a fantastic kid. She is so full of love and life it is infectious to be around. She has had a great summer too even though she missed her sister something fierce. When D17 came home...XW out of the blue decided to take them both on a vacation to Lake Tahoe, which I knew she had no money for but did it anyways....and like I thought...nearing the end of the trip she tapped into the account she is supposed to put child support into (which she does not do on a regular basis and is way behind by my calculations)..I'm sure she justified it to herself that since the girls were there..then it was ok for her to do that. It's just another thing that will one day catch up to her when she least expects it.

Speaking of XW...she still is not married to the loser....I have no idea what is going on..and to be honest I am at a point that I just don't care. I just wish I could get more distance from her but that won't happen for another 9 years with D9. But as I tell myself...My kids are healthy, they are happy, they have shelter, they have food, they are not lacking...so as a parent how can I ask for anything else??

As for me...I've been over worked since the first of the year. There have been a couple people out on medical leave and I got stuck doing their job as well as mine. Yes I have been so busy that many things have been an after thought. Thankfully those people recovered and have resumed their duties and now I am finding myself with a little more time on my hands. Even with all that going on...everything just seem to work out....never missed anything for the girls..school was good, the house is clean and tidy..even the dog is happy. God has a way of blessing us even when we aren't aware. It's fun to look back at the impossible things we seem to be able to do.....
Miss T and I still communicate. She moved a few months ago to a town about 10 miles from here. Her parents are moving any day now to that same area, and funny thing is...that area is where I grew up so I am familiar with it very well and my family lives there too. We  haven't been able to connect and spend any time together, but I think that is exactly how she wants things right now. I think she is trying to prove to herself that she can take care of her and her family without help and not willing to rush into things as she made that mistake already. So we communicate often and are still getting to know each other and I'm sure she is testing me to see if I am who I say I am...Time will tell. I'm not in any hurry so its all good. I did send her some flowers the other day with a simple message of "Just Because" . Her response was that it was a nice surprise and it made her day. She told me she can't understand how I can be so nice...That's easy Miss T....I am who I am...lol  She has mentioned getting together again but our schedules and my crazy busy life just has not allowed. Now that life is settling in I'm thinking that things will change and we will start to spend time together again.

So life just keeps plugging along....I'm officially 7 years into this club that no one wants to join.....it is what it is....

Another day closer to something.....


Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9101
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #143 on: August 12, 2019, 04:06:12 AM »
Yeah, 6 months gone already!

Sounds like life is plugging along for you!
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8313
  • Gender: Female
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #144 on: August 13, 2019, 07:45:32 AM »
Superman, I remember reading some of your old threads and catching my breath at some of your xw's behaviour and being amazed by your capacity to pick yourself up and keep going for your kids. I remember smiling when you used glitter polish to do little faux fairy feet on your little ones leg. Your spirit and generosity and grit are remarkable.

I also found myself wondering if that grit, hard-wired from being your own parent really since you were 12, may be both a strength and a blind spot. Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn bc I don't know you. But most of us here know some of your pain and some of your fears that might affect how you move forward. Grit can sometimes lead us to do things bc we can but not necessarily bc we should. Any man who loves the way you love, the glitter polish fairy way, deserves a woman who can love with courage and grace too. I am not sure that the evidence suggests Ms T can do that, maybe for understandable readond, and having survived one broken depressed woman, you deserve a healthy one with a similar dollop of grit imho. Someone who is comfortable with niceness bc it is who they are too, who enjoys you for who you are without tests or inconsistency. It is so easy to forget after life and love has wounded us so much that love does not need to be so difficult and that there is something joyful about being seen and embraced for who we are. It is a blessing from God and it is real and out there. You are truly an admirable man with a gentle heart and I hope that you still the quiet voice that tells you that you should settle for anything less.
« Last Edit: August 13, 2019, 07:46:46 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SupermanTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1782
  • Gender: Male
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #145 on: August 15, 2019, 10:37:16 AM »
UM-- One thing is for sure..time doesn't wait for anyone does it? The last 6 months to a year I have been extremely busy, but I think things are starting to calm a little so it will be nice to come back around here and check in with all.


Treasur-

Thank you for those kind compliments. We all need to be reminded of our goodness from time to time... I appreciate your point of view and it has caused me to think the last few days....One thing that keeps coming to my mind is....."if I can be like I am after all I have been through....then there might be a counter part out there that is similar from going through similar things.." For a long time I have told myself that most women are crazy and that I really don't want anything to do with it. It was probably a self preservation technique as I still recover from some of the insane things I have experienced. So I have told myself that I would not force the issue, but if someone came into my life I would allow that to play out and see what happens. Well again the first time I met Miss T...her and her mother approached me and I quickly shut it down and ran the other direction.....so fast that there had to be a trail of fire behind me...lol about 2 years later, I was in a little different place and decided to just go with it for a couple of reasons........1- I needed the experience as I really have none and felt this would be a good starting point..2- when looking at Miss T she has all the qualities I am looking for. I simply believe the she wasn't as ready as she thought she was so she got scared and withdrew.  Which I think is fine. I'm not ready to get serious...but I think I am ready to start trying to figure that part out.  Miss T and I still communicate. I believe she is trying to prove to herself that she can provide for her kids and simply needs to do that on her own for herself...I get that. So if something happens...then something happens....if someone else comes around..then I think I am open to that as well. I am just trying to take life as it comes and not force things. My life will be what I make of it, and I choose to let people into my very small circle that I believe can add to it and enhance the life I have already created. Miss T has potential and all the qualities I could want in a partner...but Miss T still has some personal work to do.

I don't think I will ever "settle" for something. I actually believe that the gal that ends up in my life...she will absolutely have to work for it. I'm just not sure how many women out there are willing to put in the work???

Thanks for comments...I do appreciate the value they add to my life.

Another day closer to something....


Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8313
  • Gender: Female
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #146 on: August 15, 2019, 10:46:30 AM »
One of the great gifts of walking alongside strangers stories here I've found is that it constantly reminds me that there are interesting, brave, honest, funny, kind, good humans out there
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9101
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #147 on: August 16, 2019, 02:26:58 AM »
Superman,

All I can say is that, wrt Miss T, et. al., the perspective of NOT forcing it is the best one. What I have observed is that people who are searching for something find it... Whether it really exists or not, they find it... Because it is what they WANT to see as opposed to what IS.  Therefore, the idea of taking life as it comes is really the best one. Living your (our) best life and, if that means that someone comes along that wishes to share it and become part of our lives, then  they will be willing to do "the work" as you put it (although it may not even feel like "work" to them).

Being willing to "wait" rather than "settle" is always a positive... It means that the person that you CHOOSE to allow into your life is NOT based on unhealthy emotional needs but rather on mutual respect, desire, and true attraction...



Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline SupermanTopic starter

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1782
  • Gender: Male
Re: "Don't Give up on me". Brian Dunne
« Reply #148 on: August 18, 2019, 07:02:40 PM »
Treasur-- It's amazing the strength of people....we only need to "open" our eyes to "see" them. I choose to take a positive outlook on everything and I believe that impacts what I see and experience from others.

UM- I agree. Thats how I choose to live my life. I have been on my path for quite sometime...I didn't let XW knock me off my path, and I won't change my path to fit someone else.  Ultimately I think you are right...for the right person...it won't seem like work at all. I really appreciate your comment and I have thought about it for several days now. That is the way I CHOOSE to live and I am trying to teach that lesson to my kids so they can LIVE the life they CHOOSE.

Tomorrow the girls start school. D17 will be starting her last year of High school. She wishes it was over already. I am trying to remind her to just live in the moment as she won't be this age again, and life will surely change in ways she can't imagine. But she is a teen...and they know everything...so I say peace...and hope the words will sink in and be there when she needs them. She is a great kid and I am so fortunate for sure.

D9 is excited to start 4th grade. She has a few more years of elementary school before things really change for her. I hope the both of us can just soak it in and take it day by day. It has been such a joy to watch her grow. She is really an amazing gal. So I hope that this year will be our best year, and a year of growth and positive change for all of us....

We live the life we choose.....

Another day closer to something....

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.