Author Topic: Discussion Rewritten History  (Read 1146 times)

Offline 1phoenixTopic starter

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Discussion Rewritten History
« on: August 12, 2017, 07:43:30 AM »
As most here are dealing with a spouse that has rewritten their history together, it has started to make me wonder how you deal with it.

Do you just let it go?

Do you confront them about it?  When?

Do you dismiss it as MLC fog?

Do you make a stand on anything that they have rewritten?

Until now, I have just been letting it go.  It seems though, with more and more contact, these revisions appear and rear their ugliness.  Been keeping a list of things that have been 'rewritten' to make life easier.  Hard thinking that this will never get addressed.  Know that extreme patience is necessary right now.

Does the time ever come when these fantasies are set straight or is it one sees how bringing them up will truly not serve a purpose, only to hurt them?
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

Grace makes beauty out of ugly things.  U2 "Grace"

We have all been dealt a hand of cards in this game of life.   Are you going to play or fold?

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Offline confused40

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2017, 08:00:52 AM »
I am still new at this so I don't know if I can be of any help. Between the first and second bd, whenever I mentioned something from the past, like a good memory, my h would get this confused look on his face and say "Oh yes, I have forgotten about that."

It is like he has taken all the bad stuff in our relationship and twisted it into something way worse so that he could justify his actions to himself.

Up to now I have just let everything go, no use trying to argue with someone who is adament to make me the bad guy and has no interest in remembering the good memories.

It seems that they spend a lot of time in their heads rewriting history and convincing themselves that their wife is really a horrible person. My h even insists on telling anyone that will listen that I have always been a horrible person and that I oppressed him, really? then why did you marry me??

Offline pacasam

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2017, 08:11:48 AM »
Confused....this will definitely be a good thread to follow huh?

I've pretty much at this point let them all go.  There's only one re-written that I've gotten the chance to bring up with my H.  On BD he said I didn't keep the house clean enough for his liking. (the mess in the house was his mess). well the last time I spoke with him he said he was so disorganized....I snickered at him and told him that I knew he was and that was something he needed to work on and that I was already working on that with myself and too bad I couldn't have fixed that with him.  His reply was "I know"
:(
Me 53
H 58
No kids
known each other 29 years
Married on 10/19/1991
BD 2/18/17

Offline confused40

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2017, 08:18:31 AM »
what is it with the house not being clean enough??? my h said the same thing and forgot to mention that he makes most of the mess himself!

I told him that an untidy house is not a reason to get divorced or have an affair!

Offline pacasam

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2017, 08:28:05 AM »
spewing justification...a way of rewriting history.  doesn't mean it's the truth.
:(
Me 53
H 58
No kids
known each other 29 years
Married on 10/19/1991
BD 2/18/17

Offline Absolutely Fabulous

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2017, 09:16:49 AM »
After having dealt with this kind of thing since 2007, it's best to just let it go. If people believe the revision? Including the delusional MLCer? There is nothing you can do about it. The best thing for me has been to let time shed light on all the lies. Sooner or later, something isn't going to add up. Then the light will come on with people. They ask questions, and if the answers don't hold up to the scrutiny? Well, you get the picture.

Besides you really don't know what they've said until someone else tells you. With the passage of time, people will either see that it wasn't true, or will continue to believe the lies. Those that believe the lies, are usually the ones that have sided with the MLCer anyway. So, best to just write them off. They will continue to stand with the MLCer, and you can't control that.

Once people start questioning it? The rewrite starts to fall apart. Then they are left with the dilemma of either telling more lies and getting caught, or running from the situation. Guess which one they usually choose? They don't burn bridges with just us. Sooner or later, the truth does come out. I have people in my life now that have personally apologized to me for not believing me when I was telling them the truth.

They now see him for the chaos manufacturing drama queen and liar that he is.

« Last Edit: August 12, 2017, 09:22:12 AM by My3girls »
-You just can't make this s*it up.
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Offline nah

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2017, 09:57:05 AM »
Great topic!!!


Do you just let it go?


It depends on so many factors.

The day after BD, the Leaver came home to talk to me (he was guilted into it by friends).  I asked him about the girl, who is she?  what's her name?  what kind of person would get involved with a married man?

He shouted at me (first time in 30 years he ever yelled at me with this kind of tone),
...."THIS ISN'T HER FAULT!!!!"

I knew I had already lost this battle before I had even knew it began.  I backed off, let it go instinctively and never mentioned her again.  Best decision I ever made.


Do you confront them about it?  When?

Do you make a stand on anything that they have rewritten?

Does the time ever come when these fantasies are set straight or is it one sees how bringing them up will truly not serve a purpose, only to hurt them?


I always have written that my MLCer is so stereotypical he must have the handbook in his back pocket.  If MLC is real, he could check every single box from young blonde, to red sports car, motorcycle, tattoos, change in music, clothes, personality, etc etc

However, for the past almost year he has been slowly opening up.  For over 3 years he was very tight lipped, even with friends, where I only got tiny pieces here and there that I tried to piece together.  Lately we have had conversations, then he backs off, then I again will get an opportunity, they just keep landing in my lap.  I think if I tried to control the interactions, or if I tried to pull more out of him, he would hide, instead he seems to slowly give me more and more,... so here's some examples....

Early on when we were negotiating our divorce in 2013, he made a comment that I was "lucky to enjoy the fruits of his labor".  I almost fell off my chair.  He had nothing, zero, when I met him.  The first summer we met, I paid for everything.  Our first apartment, we rented from my family b/c we couldn't afford anything else.  My father got him his job that he ended up keeping for 30 years (until he was recently fired), we BOTH worked many, many hours, he never in all of our marriage insinuated that he did more than me, b/c he didn't, we were very much equal partners, I worked just as hard as he did, even his best friend said those words after the Leaver left.

This comment ate at me for 3 years, I never said anything, b/c (a) we didn't talk and (b) why bother?  he refused to be accountable for anything.

A few months ago while arguing on the phone about something else, I brought up that he said those words.  He went quiet for a minute and then said, "I would never say anything like that", ummm.... yes you did, it's been eating at me for years.

He said, "Well, if I did say that, then I'm sorry.  I always appreciated everything you did for the family."

 :o

Four years to hear those words.

This mothers day he sent me a message, "I want you to know that no matter what our situation, I want to thank you for being a great mother to our kids all these years.  Happy mother's day"

So I could pick apart the "our situation" but why bother?  The intent, I think, was good.  In the early days I most likely would have focused on the "our situation" and disregarded the rest.  That's where the 'letting go" comes into play. 

Baby steps....

You will not get it out of them until THEY are ready, and not a minute sooner.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Kintsugi

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2017, 06:37:43 AM »
Do you just let it go?  I work on letting it go everyday.  One of my visualization techniques is to draw a heart which represents our marriage, almost at 19.5, and then a dot.  A very small dot.  The dot represents MLC.  I have reached the point where I look at it, and OW as being insignificant.  I have a better understanding that OW could have been anyone.  I am now 1.5 years post BD.  My situation was that it was EA. 

Do you confront them about it?  When?  I have fought with him all that I could.  I confronted him a lot.  Over time, I realized I needed to forgive for me, not him. I made myself sick at times.  When I do think about it, it is less painful.  A lot less painful.  We haven't fought about it since May. 

Do you dismiss it as MLC fog?  I sure do.  He did things that he normally would not have done.  He has said that this was the worst and only thing that he ever did to me and it will always be the worst and only thing.  I hope he is right.

Do you make a stand on anything that they have rewritten?  My stand is communication and honesty.  No more secret "friendships". 

Time heals all wounds. 
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.  They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful ~ Barbara Bloom

Online OffRoad

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Re: Rewritten History
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2017, 01:17:03 PM »
I'm different from most. I don't do lying. I also don't accept lying. But I also get that they aren't necessarily lying if their perception is screwed up.

My response to most of the rewrites were like this:
Wow, I am so sorry you remember that in that way. I guess I got the good end of this deal because I have the pictures and memories of a really good experience.
It wasn't my job to clean your mess.
I have the same smile I've always had. Plastic surgery has never been an option to make it bigger.
You are not me. Unless you ask, you have no idea what I am thinking.
Yes, there is crap everywhere. Please feel free to put away your shoes, dirty dishes, trash...there,there,there there......
I work 50 hours a week now. Of course chores are not done. Who do you think mowed the lawn, did the dishes, washed the laundry, pulled the weeds, repaired the plumbing,  drove the kids, helped with homework, made the meals, etc before I started working full time?
I am not always happy and don't want to be ALWAYS happy. That isn't logical, possible or realistic. I like all my emotions. (In response to his accusation that I am NEVER happy)
Would you have yelled at a coworker the way you just yelled at me? You treat complete strangers better than you treat me, and I have done nothing to deserve it.
You have not allowed us to make any improvements to, nor maintained the house in 20 years. It is not worth what the house that has been maintained and upgraded that just sold is. (Suddenly we had a mansion that was worth so much more than what he was getting out of the divorce)
The kids had two parents. If they didn't do as well in school as you wanted, it can only be half my fault.
I didn't force you to play video games every night instead of starting a business.

I always sent back facts, as best I could. Just because it was fun to watch his mouth drop open, and I took my fun where I could get it. BTW, open jaw, crickets, and the discussion ending was the results of those responses. That was at about 4 months in. The first two months, I almost believed his crap.

Each must do as they need.

 
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

 

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