Author Topic: My Story It has to get better  (Read 2399 times)

Offline wrecked in ohioTopic starter

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My Story It has to get better
« on: August 22, 2017, 11:17:46 AM »
I am so grateful to have somewhere to go to talk because I am drowning!  We have been married for 18 years and have struggled with issues (infertility, out of state move and then move back) but I am convinced that he is now in a full swing mid-life crisis.  He hasn't been himself for the past month but when I asked, I got "I don't know what's wrong; it's not you, it's me" so I just tried the best that I could to make him happy. 

Well, last Friday, I had a weird feeling so I did some checking and his ex-girlfriend sent him a FB message and she was quite pushy in getting them to meet (they lived together for 1.5 years over 25 years ago!).  He agreed to meet after he returns from a camping trip Labor Day weekend (he will be gone for 10 days, leaving this Friday).  I kept it to myself that I knew they were chatting as I didn't want him to know that I was spying on him.  We went to dinner on Friday night and I asked who she was as they just became FB friends and it showed up on my feed to see what he would tell me hoping he would come clean.  Well, he said that she used to work at the same mall as he did when he was in school and that was it.  Well, I stewed all Friday night and into Saturday.  He played in a golf outing and when he returned, I had been drinking to get some liquid courage and confronted him.  He looked like he had been punched in the gut!  I only told him that I knew a small piece of information (they dated and planned to meet - didn't tell him that I saw the entire conversation!) and he got angry and wanted to know why I was snooping.  Well, then an entire can of worms opened up!  He proceeded to tell me how I control every aspect of his life and keep him from doing things (hunt, get a motorcycle, attend church, etc) and basically how he has been miserable for our entire marriage but just kept it quiet as to not hurt me.  Her name was never brought up again.  Things seemed to return to normal but I was still hurt and was acting not myself and he asked me yesterday if I was OK and I expressed my feelings of he is going to have old feelings come up and leave.  He was so angry when all I needed was reassurance from him.  I am not sure it is a mid-life crisis but all of the boxes seem to be checked off.  I just feel so lost and hurt.  I haven't been able to eat or sleep for days, I feel like my entire life is a mess....  He is my entire world and this just crushes me.
Me: 43
D: 44
Married: May 1999
Together:  on and off since early 1990s
Noticed MLC August 2017

Offline OldPilot

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2017, 11:30:45 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

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Offline Thunder

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2017, 11:34:41 AM »
Welcome wrecked,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

How about his age?  Mid 40's is a very common age for this crisis to hit them.

I can just offer my support and to advise you to start reading all the useful articles on this site.  It will help you see you are certainly not alone.

The ow (other woman) is usually someone from years ago, or a co-worker.
They get this fantasy in their head that this must be someone important to them.  Their not but in their goofed up brain they believe it.

Best advise I can give right now is don't ask or talk about her, it just makes her important.
No relationship talks, just be light and friendly.  It's exactly what he needs right now.  Questions only make them feel pressured and they get angry.
No bringing up divorce, sometimes it plants the seed.

Eat and try to get as much rest as you can.  You need to take good care of yourself.
He could be in this for some time.  I'm sorry.

Keep posting, we're here for you.

Big Hug!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline wrecked in ohioTopic starter

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2017, 12:09:03 PM »
Welcome wrecked,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

How about his age?  Mid 40's is a very common age for this crisis to hit them.

I can just offer my support and to advise you to start reading all the useful articles on this site.  It will help you see you are certainly not alone.

The ow (other woman) is usually someone from years ago, or a co-worker.
They get this fantasy in their head that this must be someone important to them.  Their not but in their goofed up brain they believe it.

Best advise I can give right now is don't ask or talk about her, it just makes her important.
No relationship talks, just be light and friendly.  It's exactly what he needs right now.  Questions only make them feel pressured and they get angry.
No bringing up divorce, sometimes it plants the seed.

Eat and try to get as much rest as you can.  You need to take good care of yourself.
He could be in this for some time.  I'm sorry.

Keep posting, we're here for you.

Big Hug!

Thank you!  Hubby will be 44 next week.
This just blindsided me as I thought that we had a great marriage - we are the couple that everyone says they wish they could be!  I just don't know how I can be light and cheery when all that I want to do is cry.  It is as if there is a stranger sitting next to me right now and I am a fixer and I can't fix this!
The thing is too is that she is married (actually on H #3 and has 2 adult children!) and she even blocked me on Facebook!  By nature, I am not a trusting person and this is just difficult for me.
Me: 43
D: 44
Married: May 1999
Together:  on and off since early 1990s
Noticed MLC August 2017

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2017, 12:31:22 PM »
Just stopping by to welcome you to the board wrecked.  I am very sorry.  You have found a safe place here and we all understand exactly what you are going through. 

Keep posting and request a mentor. My mentor here got me through some very dark days of early MLC. ((Hugs))

Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Mae

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2017, 01:01:06 PM »
Hi Wrecked,

Welcome to our haven of support. I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Being 'light and cheerie' is the most difficult behaviour to fake when all you want to do is fall apart. It is VERY hard.

I think the important thing to recognise is that the OW is not the problem. The unhappiness is within himself and he must work it out himself. You are right, you cannot fix this, so please don't try. He will try to do many things to escape from his pain and unhappiness and this is standard MLC script. He will withdraw from you, he will blame the marriage and/or you for his unhappiness (he has already done this), he will try and make himself 'happy' ....many do this through seeking out a new relationship/s, through alcohol, drugs....you name it, we've seen it.

The only thing within your control is you. Keep posting, reading and asking questions.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline wrecked in ohioTopic starter

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2017, 04:27:20 PM »
Well, things are a bit better tonight if you can call it that.  We have had pleasant conversation but that's about it.  I was finally able to eat a bit but unfortunately decided to take a walk shortly thereafter and ended up with horrible side cramps.  I returned home and he was concerned that I was injured but really didn't show his normal emotions.  I decided to just leave him alone and am currently downstairs with our 2 dogs while he stays upstairs watching the baseball game.  I know that I am seeing things that really aren't there but at least there haven't been any hurtful words spoken today. 
Me: 43
D: 44
Married: May 1999
Together:  on and off since early 1990s
Noticed MLC August 2017

Offline Mae

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2017, 06:11:50 PM »
Good Wrecked......you must become skilled in the art of 'leaving him alone' if you are to survive this. Try to leave him alone as much as possible and use the time to focus on you, plan time out with friends and family, pursue old hobbies or find new ones, get out and exercise, try new things....I know it's so hard to do these things when you feel like your marriage is falling apart, but these actions will help take the focus away from your H and move you forward into healing.
Me: 50
H: 40
S19, D15
Together for 19 years
BDay in 2004, 2011 and now March 5 2017
Ran away on 5 March BD
No OW
Returned home 'underdone' 1 July 2017.
Left again 22 October 2017.
H - Silent and non-communicative

Offline NorthernIce28

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2017, 06:59:37 PM »
Bless you Dear.

I had a full blown panic attack with hyperventilation and everything after BD.  It was 4 days after my cat died too.  Nice timing of H right?

I want to encourage you.   PLEASE remember that you are very important.  He is the one choosing to walk away from you because he wants something new. 

My H dropped hints for years that he was bored, didn't like our furniture, wished I was more spontaneous etc...   

You, my Dear are special.  Please focus on you.  I am learning that too...the art of detaching.  It is so HARD at first.  Just start by leaving the home more.  Make a list of things you would love to do and start to cross them off your list.  Get your confidence back!   

Remember that HIS decisions are about him and yours are about you.  You can't control what he does.  I remember in the first few weeks, I would walk around begging him for answers and trying to get him to change back.  It doesn't work.  They run away more. 

Start to gain your confidence back.  You deserve it!
ME  46
H    47
S15
Married 21 Years
BD    2/2017
H Moved Out  5/2017
Divorce Papers Served 2/2018

There will always be someone who can't see your worth....Don't let it be you

Offline NorthernIce28

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Re: It has to get better
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2017, 07:09:44 PM »
I forgot to add that my H told me that he was also so afraid of hurting me but for a couple of years, he would drop hints.  They were very subtle and would be mixed in with other things.

For example, he would say that he felt like we were roommates.  He would say that we don't have any couple friends, we do the same routine over and over, he didn't like the things in the house..... COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN. 

Funny thing is that, he would do nothing to change anything himself...just complain. 

I should have picked up on his unhappiness but when I asked him about the marriage, he would lie.

At BD, it came out that he hasn't been in love for 1 or 2 years.   In a later conversation, he would say 3 or 4 years.  It always changes.

I just want to give you some direct advice....listen to what he told you.  He is unhappy and feels controlled.  This is MIDLIFE SCRIPT.   He wants to be free and wants to meet other women without telling you.  THAT IS ANOTHER CLASSIC SIGN!    Please be ready for what is ahead.      Get educated on this site.  If you are so inclined, see if he will attend counseling.  I think he dropped some pretty big hints about what is going on in his mind.

Please don't blame yourself.  This is all about him but.......be prepared.  (((HUGS)))

ME  46
H    47
S15
Married 21 Years
BD    2/2017
H Moved Out  5/2017
Divorce Papers Served 2/2018

There will always be someone who can't see your worth....Don't let it be you

 

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