Author Topic: My Story The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle  (Read 5895 times)

Offline What nowTopic starter

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My Story Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #70 on: July 18, 2018, 05:45:34 AM »
And there we have it! The other shoe has dropped!

He has FINALLY (after 18 months of not seeing the kids properly) filed for access to the children.

Interestingly enough (or not so.....), it is actually ow who filed and he just signed.

When asked about what relationship we both are to the children, she wrote "what now-mother. MLer named on birth certificate". So he's not their dad then? Maybe I read that wrong but it is a very unusual way to answer the question.

She also wrote on a brief outline of the situation as it stands "what now is refusing me to have contact with my children other than on her doorstep all due to the relationship breaking down".

 :o :o :o really? It's not just my doorstep, its theirs, it's their home. I have also invited MLer in to see the kids but he doesn't think his girlfriend will appreciate it. And due to the relationship breakdown? Please. I gave MLer the chance to have access to the kids. Initially every other week and then every week for 1 night. He neglected them. Then I gave him every Saturday and Wednesday evening. He didn't want Wednesday evening and would bring them back on Saturday without feeding them, telling me about any accidents and being horrible about me and son who has special needs. No court in the land will let him have unsupervised access. As for ow, a drug taking, drunken party animal who has bipolar disorder and doesn't medicate it properly. No. My kids will not go near her!
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #71 on: August 21, 2018, 04:34:04 AM »
Sooooo........update time.

We had our first court hearing yesterday. It went as well as can be expected. As it's about the kids, a worker has to be involved to make sure the kids are kept safe from harm in any way. As part of this, they telephone both parents and discuss any issues they might have around drinking, violence, neglect. That sort of thing. I told the worker a lot.

He told the worker he didn't have any concerns about my parenting but I did scream at him in front of the kids from the top of the stairs to take me to court. I can't remember doing that.

Anyway, we've both made a promise not to be negative about one another. Told the worker it's not hard to promise to do something I don't do anyway. He denied drinking excessively and drug taking. He said he has a pint at the end of the working day and has had to sign a written agreement not to drink 24 hours before having the kids and whilst he has them. If he does, he could be fined and/or sent to prison.

They have some more checks to do. Because I raised concerns about ow, she has to have background checks (police mainly) for the last 5 years. MLer has to have police checks (which will have drink related offences before we got together on there) and I had to have them done. It came back with no trace for me which basically means I have no criminal record.

The kids have to be spoken to and I have to present any evidence I have to support my allegations. It's all go.

He told D11 that we had court so she was fretting all day. She went AWOL from my sister's so I had that to deal with whilst I was there.

ow turned up but I'm not sure why. She wasn't allowed in So it was 3 hours of waiting for her. I walked past her with confidence and grace (after I smiled at her). I could hear them whispering and they kept looking over. I was busy talking to the kids and my sister over text. Just wish she would butt out once in a while. She's very controlling and insecure.

All in all, it was pretty positive for now. Hopefully my kids will get a decent enough outcome. My concerns have been taken seriously so I'm happy. The only time he spoke in the court was to tell the court that he didn't work in the pub, he owned it 😂 and to that, the judge said "it's somewhat of a boyhood dream, to own a pub" I sniggered because that, to me, was a massive MLC red flag. The judge also tried to make a joke, saying "oh, so you own it and you don't work in it nor do you walk through it". It was lost on MLer and he started saying "well I have to walk through it......"

Since I last posted, I have read my journey. Just for reminders of what me and the kids have been through so I could give a clear picture to the court. I can't believe I ever doubted it was MLC. Not everything that was said has been script but ever action was. You just don't think it when you're going through it initially.

So I am confident it is MLC. I don't hope for reconciliation any more. He is so far removed from the person he was. I'm moving on with my life whichever way feels right to me. I've done my healing and mirror work and I'm ready to leave it behind me.

I have heard that MLer is still running. He is still drinking until 4/5am. ow doesn't go with him any more. She takes him to work and picks him up (yes! At 4/5am) because she was sick of hearing people say that she was only in the relationship because he owns a business! (which, by the way, he isn't paying his loan on)

I don't look back and feel anger or pain any more. A bit of sadness that it didn't work but I not longer blame myself or him. It was just an event that happened. I've forgiven him in my heart.

My lawyer said something that made me uncomfortable. "Tactically, it might be better for us to........." It just felt like it was a game being played. It hurt because it's personal to me and it affects my kids but I let her do her thing. She knows more about it all than me.

I expected to feel super nervous in the courtroom but I didn't. I didn't really feel anything. Just happy to hand it over to someone else I think.

On an end note (I know, I don't stop talking). I would like to thank everyone on here who has helped me on my journey. I'm only 20 months in but it feels like a lifetime. So much has happened and I feel all the advice saved me. It stopped me from making mistakes I didn't need to and stopped me from hurting myself more.

Now to let go and let God. I will be back, stalking and posting updates and asking advice but this last month has provided me with a lot of clarity and hopefully, my emotions will calm down a bit and when it comes to him and ow, I can start to act with a bit more rationality.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #72 on: August 21, 2018, 05:54:05 AM »
Now we'll see what the courts decide...

Just like his Pub, he owns it and he's going to have to walk through it...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #73 on: August 21, 2018, 03:52:56 PM »
Just a quick hello WN. I am following along but must have missed your last message. You are sounding good, well done! I will post properly tomorrow when I'm awake! I like UM comment there - yes time to face the music ML'er!!! Take care, PG xxx 

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #74 on: August 25, 2018, 11:33:21 AM »
Hey WN, I had missed a couple of your posts. You sound so strong and sorted now and are obviously being a strong Mammy for your kids. I'm expecting my H to apply for access at some point. I am on the same time line as you. Yes, I now see it as a MLC also. I was too confused until recently but as you say the things that they do eventually show that it is definitely a crisis.

My D also calls her Dad by his first name now. She refuses to call him Daddy and my S doesn't refer to him with any name at all. My H didn't like being called by his name and told her so but she continued to do it.

So, what are your plans for you and the kids now? It's strange how to begin with we are so traumatised we cannot see straight and then suddenly we start to focus solely on us and the kids again. Be very proud of yourself friend, you have travelled the rocky road with grace and determination - always putting your kids first. A bright future awaits.

Take care of yourself and your D&S, love and support, PG XXX   



Offline megogirl

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #75 on: August 25, 2018, 01:25:30 PM »
My D also calls her Dad by his first name now.

Whether she knows it or not....this is fantastic

HAHAHAHAHA - you reap what you sow, jerk!


Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #76 on: August 26, 2018, 04:22:01 AM »
Yep, time to reap what you sow,  MLer! But, as everyone here knows, it's all my fault! Lol.

Thanks for stopping by UK, Philly and mego.

I forgot to mention, he also has to take a drug test, a 6 month segmented hair one. He has been told he's not allowed to cut his hair until that's done 😂 he won't be happy about that. We both have to pay for it too. I don't know how they will do a 6 month one because his hair isn't that long and it grows quick.

My plans for me and the kids now- I don't really have many if I'm honest. Just trying to get D settled into her new school and maybe take more trips. S is having yet more assessments done to figure out his needs.

I've enquired about a course to become a teaching assistant (because I have kids with additional needs, I want to be a Special Educational needs teaching assistant) and hope to start that in September. I don't know if I'm being a bit optimistic because of the changes and the court case and everything that's going on with the kids but I can try. If it's too much, I will see if I can join the course another time.

Life, although MLer keeps trying to make things hard, is a lot more settled this year than it was last and I do feel like I need something for me. D is 11, S is 5 (6 in December) and I feel I owe it to them to try get us more on our feet. I want to make them proud too.

I just hope my kids manage to fight off the winter viruses this year (they tend to pick up everything and be really quite ill), if they don't, it could scupper my plans. We will see anyway. I have a clear pathway now and I won't stop until I get it
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #77 on: September 15, 2018, 07:36:51 PM »
Just an update on MLer.

SD contacted me as she saw D at her new school. She asked if she went to school there as she has just got a new job down the road from her school.

As we got chatting, she asked if her dad (addressed by his first name) still saw S and D. I told her no (didn't tell her it was court ordered), not at the moment but we are trying to sort something out that works for us both.

The next minute, she's telling me her and MLer have come to blows over her girlfriend (the messy situation. Her girlfriend was with her uncle, MLers brother for 10 years and they have children together). She's told me she had to get a non molestation order out on MLer as he was sending nasty and threatening messages to her. I didn't ask, just told her it was wrong. She then went on to say he told her to slit her wrists.

I know it's a lot of he said/she said but it's just absolutely unbelievable. If he was like this before, I must not have had rose tinted glasses but blacked out ones. The person I knew and loved would never have done this to their child! He was a good man and a good dad. MLC or not, this is a step too far in my opinion. She also said it seems like he's addicted to drama and gets nasty when he doesn't get his own way.

I don't think he will have the reserves to face up to the devastation he has caused all round. My heart is breaking for SD.

I also saw SS (MLers partner in crime - they are drinking buddies and have known to do drugs together as a "bonding" thing) the day after. SD said he's been doing the same as MLer so she's fallen out with him too.

 He wanted to come to my house to see D. Not both of them, just D (I don't know what S has done so wrong to make everyone want to brush him to one side). I said no because we had plans but I'm also worried about the kids being dragged into the latest drama fest. D was not happy and fell out with me massively. I told her I'm not changing our plans and he can come another time. I bet it's the last we hear of him for another 2 years!
« Last Edit: September 15, 2018, 07:38:13 PM by What now »
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #78 on: September 21, 2018, 05:09:15 PM »
Hey WN, I took a bit of a break, but I'm back and catching up.  I hope you continue to fill us in on the court's decision.

Definitely weird how the filing was filled out, like the person writing it felt that he wasn't the father, but that his name was on the birth certificate(s).  Psycho!
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

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Offline Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #79 on: September 26, 2018, 05:07:10 AM »
What an insane story, and always sad to hear about them falling even further from who they were...but also kinda validating that it isn't just us.  ;)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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