Author Topic: My Story The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle  (Read 5882 times)

Online What nowTopic starter

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My Story Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #80 on: December 06, 2018, 02:07:21 PM »
Thanks for dropping by FW and Mortes.

Well, it's been an age since I updated because I've had a lot on. Seeing as it's my 2 year BD anniversary tomorrow (as well as 16 years since we first got together and my birthday!), I thought I would update a bit.

I've started taking SD21 to work on a regular basis. She works down the road from D11's school so I drop them off at the same time (when she's not sleeping in). She often asks after her dad but I don't tell her anything I know because I still treat her like one of my own so she gets to know as much as they do. The younger 2 are loving seeing their sister more regularly.

I went speed dating with my friend! It was a bit of a laugh and I went more as a wingwoman than anything else. I even managed to get a few people interested. I don't know how, I gave out the worst vibes 😂 we also got home in the early hours because there was a train strike. I was in a busy city, surrounded by students and felt every bit my age. It was good fun though.

My car has died. Well, not died. The engine started smoking and it turns out someone who I had work on it didn't do the work but still charged for it. The radiator has gone (something that was replaced 51 weeks ago!) Something I didn't need. I can't afford to sort it because I'm paying my solicitor

Now for the juicy part- court and MLCer shenanigans!

We were in court last week and a report had to be done to determine how much time he should spend with the kids and if it's safe. We both got interviewed and I was asked the question "why do you think he has taken it to court" and I just said I didn't have a clue but I don't think he was happy with the amount of time he gets with the kids. He was asked why he thought I had stopped him seeing the kids, I did it "out of spite" and contact had ceased because my attempts at reconciliation had been declined by him in 2017. But he said that contact had stopped in 2018. And that contact had been successful for 6 months and he had been able to have the kids whenever. His interview was full of nonsense. He self reported how much alcohol he drank and it came back there was a problem with alcohol.

Anyway, in court, the magistrates didn't seem like they had time for him. He hadn't done his drug test. They asked him about that and he had 3 different excuses. He didn't think I would pay my half (had done ages ago). He thought he total cost was double what it was - not a chance. The person who was organising it had explained to him the price and he agreed. Then he wouldn't answer the phone to them when they wanted to arrange it. And the last excuse was that he didn't have the money this close to Christmas, to which the judge replied "had you done it when you was ordered to then Christmas wouldn't be an issue"

Because he hadn't done the drug test, the magistrates weren't happy with giving him much contact at all. He has 2 supported contact sessions in a contact centre. I also argued for the kids that they should get to see him around Christmas so he has 90 minutes on boxing day.

They didn't want to give him that because he was pushing for it to be at his home with ow and her kids. Due to the issues both of my kids have (which both schools have reported), he was told he was expecting too much too soon. Also, D has said that she doesn't want ow there so she's not allowed near. He was supposed to start contact every other week with just him and the kids and every Wednesday after school after the 2 contact centre sessions. If the drug test results come back positive, contact at the centre can still go ahead at the contact centre but nothing else can happen.

Then it goes back to court on 9th January. He said in his interview that me saying he was using cocaine was a malicious allegation.  He also said I had been encouraging the kids to call him by his first name (because of S going through that phase when you discover your parents have actual names so you call them by it) and that the kids have slammed the door in his face (they haven't) because I've told them to. And I've also been screaming at him in front of them. Pure projection.

ow still has some checks to come back. Both MLCer and ow have got things come back on their police checks but the courts weren't particularly concerned about them.

D had to be interviewed. The person who interviewed her said that he had never spoken to a child who was so happy to share their feelings without fear of upsetting anyone and that I had been doing a good job of making the kids not feel like they have to take sides! Both schools said the kids were doing brilliantly and they had no concerns.

I've got an appointment booked next week because the drug test came back positive! I can't believe it. Now we know why he wouldn't do the test. To be continued.......
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Online Treasur

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #81 on: December 06, 2018, 11:48:07 PM »
You are doing so well, and how lovely that for once the legal system is seeing that and prioritising your kids needs. And your daughter sounds delightful!
Guess the drug test wasn't a big surprise? Sad though, but better to have independent proof and to be realistic about it. I suspect the January court date will be no more comfortable for him than the last date given that...

I hope you all have a lovely drama-free Christmas.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
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Online UrsaMajor

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #82 on: December 07, 2018, 02:04:27 AM »
So, he popped positive on the drug test... gee... Imagine my surprise....

Isn't his OW the druggie?

He really seems to have to keep digging his own hole despite he's already deep in it... <smh>
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Online What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #83 on: December 17, 2018, 04:13:02 PM »
No, the drug test wasn't a surprise at all, UM and treasur. He's manipulated it well though. He was ordered to do it in August. Got around to it in November and guess what? He got clean at between August and September (we were in court 20th august). According to my solicitor, he looks like he's getting clean so that's good and will be positive for him. She didn't seem to think he was playing the system.

Just to let you all know, it was a month on month hair strand test going back 6 months. So September, October and November were clean. June, July and August showed.excessive use. The fact he has given up shows he's not addicted apparently but this was never the question. He was taking cocaine and drinking heavily then having our kids afterwards and not acting responsibly.

And UM,  yes, she is a druggie. She's bipolar and comes off her meds at the weekend to drink and do drugs. Wonderful specimen.

So, S turned 6 last week. To think when this all started he was 3, nearly 4! Bless him.

It was the kids first contact with him in a contact centre. I had real issues getting them there. D kept walking back home. I don't know how we got there in time.

When we got there, the protocol was that we were debriefed. I stayed with the kids until he arrived and then I went into a little room and he spent time with the kids. We weren't supposed to cross paths.

S was repeatedly coming in the room i was in and nobody was coming to get him which meant MLCer was too busy with D to notice (staff would've got him if MLCer asked). I kept pushing him out and he kept saying it was too noisy or that I needed to do something for him. At one point, MLCer came in the room. He was told he wasn't allowed in and D questioned him about it. He said he didn't know I was there (BS). D called him out on that one.

Anyway, he had taken S some birthday gifts and I said they had to go back with him and he had to bring them next time as both of the kids need additional supervision when out and about. Im glad I didn't take them as the weather was bad and we had freezing rain. I really struggled to get home with the kids so with that added in, it wouldn't have been good.

Fast forward to tonight, I had a knock at my door at 8pm. It was his brother with S's gifts. Apparently he tried last night and we weren't in. It sent D into a panic. MLCer has been told that he has to give 48 hours notice of anything due to my kids needs. We didn't get that.

His mum has also sent up her Christmas gifts even though she will be seeing them on boxing day.

And ow has irked me. She has made sure they have their Christmas cards! And wrote their full names on them. Not the nicknames their dad has given them. This may seem trivial but she has been told to stay away. She's not allowed contact with the kids yet. And I always thought cards came with gifts when getting gifts?? I don't have a clue why they need to be in my house before Christmas. They might be signed from him and her but they're not from them both. They're from her.

It may seem petty but the game playing is beginning again. Him sending gifts up when I asked him to wait until boxing day and her making sure her presence is felt in my house. If you knew them, you would know.

Just wanted to put it out there that I thought court might've calmed him down. No, not at all. Will it ever end?

He's also told D that she has to choose where they go on boxing day (the courts told him he needs to let me know 48 hours before so I can get them prepared. I think he thinks this gets him out of that).

The kids have also ramped up their behaviour. S is beomving extremely disregulated and hitting out at everyone. D is just verbally lashing out and theyre fighting like cat and dog. They find it hard at this time of year anyway. MLCer should never have been put into the mix just yet. I'm so frustrated.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2018, 04:27:06 PM by What now »
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #84 on: January 03, 2019, 10:11:13 PM »
I bet that was very frustrating WN.  Any updates?
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Online What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #85 on: January 04, 2019, 03:43:52 AM »
Happy New year, everybody! Hope this is a positive one for us all.

Updates:

MLCer came to get the kids on boxing day. No car seats for them in his car (he took mine at the beginning so not acceptable really).

He's supposed to give us 48 hours notice of arrangements. He got his sister to message me over Facebook at 9pm so me and his sister arranged times between ourselves and he just went along with it. He's also supposed to tell me where he's planning on taking the kids so I can prepare them with them being on the autism spectrum. He didn't do this. As far as I was aware, he was taking them for a meal with his mum and nobody else. He didn't do this. He took them around his family. Our kids don't know his family and they weren't prepared for it. D spent a lot of the time messaging me, needing reassurance.

In court, he made a big deal out of wanting the kids to have somewhere private to open their gifts for Christmas, therefore needed to spend hours at ows. They didn't get gifts, they were taken to a cash machine.

The only positives were that they were picked up and dropped off on time.

They went to the contact centre poorly. Both of them were fighting something and had high temperatures. I gave them medication to bring their temperature down and took them anyway. I stayed on site because they were ill. MLCer sent D into the room I was in so I could make her feel better. Isn't that what he's supposed to be doing.

Whilst they were there, he told D about a holiday ow kindly booked for him for Christmas. With his money (she works and claims benefits)! D seems to think that her dad is going by himself. I haven't corrected her but he's not allowed to go to the toilet by himself so hes hardly going to be going alone. D said she would be upset if he's going on holiday with her and her kids again when he struggled to go anywhere with her whilst at home.

Contact that was supposed to happen on the 2nd didn't because of the results of the drugs test. It's was conditional. My solicitor told me to let it go ahead. The kids have a worker who represents their interests in court and I phoned him and told him I wasn't letting it go ahead. I told him that it would be different if he was acting differently but he isn't so I don't think it's in the children's best interests for contact to go ahead.

He's also told D that hes going to make it so he gets them every weekend (courts have already decided it's every other weekend) and he can now take them anywhere he wants (he doesn't know what's happening yet). He also told D that seeing them in a contact centre is a load of nonsense. D has asked that it stays there because she knows what to expect there.

He's just not taking anything the courts say seriously. I'm sick of fighting it. I'm fed up of going up against him. What would he do if I handed the kids to him every weekend and let them stay all weekend? He wouldn't cope. Him and ow would soon fall apart. Our kids would cause chaos. So why is he pushing for it? He doesn't even want them as much as he's wanting to punish me or score points. And the most frustrating thing is that the court system are treating our kids as typical kids and our situation as the typical situation. Nothing in this case is typical.
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #86 on: January 06, 2019, 04:01:31 AM »
Hey WN. Happy 2019, good to read an update from you.

I can hear the exasperation in your writing! So, drugs testing, not giving notice of visits, not liking to have to go to a contact centre. Well, he is really up for the still selfish in 2019 award. Of course he doesn't like the contact centre, no doubt he still wants to have some control over the situation. I am in the same situation with my H not taking anything that the court says seriously and it does get you really tired of the whole thing, sometimes I doubt my own sanity. Any positives from the legal system e.g. the contact centre, are positives because you are right this is not a usual/typical situation. It is good that you have got someone assigned to the kids because I honestly believe that getting professionals involved (even if they are not useful all the time) helps and it also means that the ML'er does not have a free run at all sorts of behaviour. We have to remind ourselves that they caused this situation. Keep doing what you are doing and being such a great Mammy to your kids. So, what is 2019 looking like for WN? Plans, new adventures??? Hope that you have not lost yourself in all of this and that you are managing to find some time to focus on you.

Take care, PG xxx

Online What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #87 on: January 12, 2019, 04:41:26 AM »
Lots of new plans etc Philly! Always got them, got to keep moving forward.

I've just rekindled a relationship with my older sister. There's never been any bad blood between us. We didn't have a great upbringing and FOO issues surface and then it makes it too painful for us to be around each other. More specifically, her to be around me. She's working through it a number of different ways and I hope she manages to find some sort of closure.

It's good for us to be together again because she has a couple of children on the spectrum who are older than mine so she's a wealth of advice and information. We are hoping to start a business making things that can be used generally but with special needs in mind.

In September, I will also be starting my course to become a teaching assistant so will be volunteering at school and trying to fit coursework around 2 kids who don't sleep! I will give it my best though.

In a couple of weeks, I will be starting a course locally about understanding autism and what changes to expect in my daughter now she's hit puberty. That will be interesting and will help towards my teaching I think. Eventually, I want to work with special needs children in any capacity I can. I've seen a few more courses online about working with people with special needs so I might pick them up alongside the teaching assistant course. So many plans!

I want to take the kids on a seaside holiday as well but need to see what funds are like.

Big update. Court has finished and the final order is being done. Never have I ever been let down as massively as what they've let me and my children down.

MLCer basically got what he wanted with regards to contact with the kids. It didn't matter about the drugs. Didn't matter about the emotional abuse. Didn't matter that he was vile about me. Didn't matter that he locked them in a room so he could get drunk with his girlfriend. Didn't matter that he threatened to take them from school. Didn't matter that he doesn't believe their diagnoses or thinks it's mild (it appears mild because it's managed). Doesn't matter that his girlfriend threatened me. Didn't matter that he doesn't believe S has special needs. Didn't matter that he used D as a go between. Didn't matter that D said she doesn't want to go, especially with ow there. Doesnt matter that he refuses to communicate with me. None of it mattered  I don't even know why all this checking and testing was done if it meant absolutely nothing. And it really didn't matter to the court that my kids don't cope with change.

He has 6 weeks where he has them every week. One week Saturday, one week Sunday and it follows that pattern. Even though he asked for Saturday's. I gave him Saturdays so he asked for Sunday's instead. We couldn't agree so court decided it would be both. Fantastic for children on the spectrum!!!

He gets them for 2 hours this week then it increases an hour every week.

He's not allowed ow to be there for the first 3 weeks but after that he has free reign.

After the 6 weeks is up, it changes again. He has them every other week (alternating between Saturday and sunday). The week he doesn't have them, he has them on a Wednesday.

I told the court Sunday was too disruptive for them, it would have an impact on their schooling and he said that Friday is his busiest night at the pub so Sunday would be better for him. They said neither one was more important than the other (thought it was supposed to be child focussed?)

S school has annoyed me as well. His teacher thinks he should've had a diagnosis. His school nurse has said he needs to be referred but the senco worker, who dishes out all the information to the court has said there are no issues! She made me, alongside MLCer look like a neurotic mother who just wants their kids to have a diagnoses so I can make it better. It's really P!ssed me off.

Thing is, I don't know where to go from here. D doesn't want to go and I've been told I've to make her. S doesn't mind going but he doesn't understand what's happening because he's been kept from it. I don't know what to do. He doesn't understand my kids needs so how can he meet them? And Ds reaction when I told her was "its still all about dad then? He's still being selfish?"

My solicitor should make him pay her fees because, for some reason, she seemed to favour him. I had to argue with her to get her to argue with me. Nobody in that courtroom understood autism and the impact that all this is going to have on the children. He's still not acting responsibly- he doesn't even have a car seat for S which is a legal requirement here with him being under 12 and a certain height.

Does anyone know the UK family court system and can give advice on what I can do now a final order is underway? I was given the impression by my solicitor that we had to agree to something. Didn't realise I could've said no to the whole thing. Any advice would be helpful
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Online What nowTopic starter

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #88 on: January 12, 2019, 05:45:55 AM »
Forgot to mention, the courts said it's also my job to keep him informed about any school events or any health appointments. I felt that to be out of order because he isn't my responsibility. He should be keeping himself informed of them. A lot of the ill feeling before was because I would inform him and he wouldn't go which would just upset the kids
BD#1 August 2015 - i think i should move out and carry on as we are because i love you but it would work better
BD#2 December 2016 - moved out
ow- 19 years his junior with 3 young kids

Online Mortesbride

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Re: The grass is only greener because it's fertilised with bullshizzle
« Reply #89 on: January 15, 2019, 04:12:13 AM »
Well let's start simply...

You should inform him of school events, and anything medically important. Period. This isn't for him, it is for you.

Keep no expectations that he will show. In fact...assume he won't. But if you have a text proving that you told him the dates, he has no excuse to miss these things. Then the responsibility lies solely with him for not showing up to the school play. He can never say it was your fault. You have proof for yourself, for the courts, for your kids.

In regards to not liking the visitation etc...well I would fight it obviously. Particularly if you feel your children have special needs, look for a local charity to help you advocate for them.

In the mean time play hard ball. He shows up without a car seat, if he wants to take them, he needs to do it safely and legally. You can not be held responsible for allowing him to take your son illegally into a car and put his life at risk. Let your ex solve that problem. If he shows up with a car seat, or takes a bus, or whatever...then they go.

In terms of forcing your children to go...I told my kids ''I will never stop you seeing your father, I will encourage him to be in your lives...but equally I will never force you to go when you do not want to''. I don't think there is a court that could change my mind on that. If my child is screaming and not wanting to go because they will be emotionally or physically abused or uncomfortable....not a chance in hell.

But what you need to ask yourself...is she really not wanting to go because of x, y, z or is she not wanting to go because you don't want her to? There is a big difference. You have to remove yourself, your wants, your needs, your feelings out of this equation. My daughter is often so angry leaving visitation that she declares she never wants to go back, then by the time 2 weeks rolls around, and he has apologised, she will want to go back.

Kids have an incredibly high tolerance to love a parent, even a terrible one. It is important that they have a relationship with him, even if he is a dysfunctional drug addicted mess...BUT it is also important that your kids feel heard by you, not forced to do something they hate.

I am afraid I have no experience with Autism in particular, and I can only assume that makes all this even harder. All I can do is give you the advice I use or go by and hope it helps.  :)
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