Author Topic: Discussion Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?  (Read 2553 times)

Online nahTopic starter

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Discussion Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #40 on: December 10, 2018, 04:08:15 AM »
What do others do in this situation?

I wrote messages to her the first few years and then I stopped. I just reached a point in my life where I refuse to be bullied by anyone, even my daughter. 

I don't think there's a good rule for this, just do what you feel is right.
H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Online Treasur

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #41 on: December 10, 2018, 04:42:30 AM »
Itv, my take as a non-parent fwiw...your daughter is still a teenager not yet a full adult, and also it affects your sons. So I would keep the door open with small predictable bits of contact....Christmas card and small gift, same for her birthday, maybe a short note or email every few months in the birthday/Xmas gap with a low key update of life and hello. Unless they are sent back to you or she asks you to stop.

Somewhere RCR says that, although an LBS sometimes needs to go NC for their own protection, it is easier for someone to reconnect with an MLCer if not all of the bridges are burned completely and replaced with a very high wall. If they can see a few breadcrumbs on a small trail...I would imagine the same is true with a young adult even with the natural self-centredness of that stage of life. I'm sorry though bc it must be hard for you and I hope you can take encouragement from other stories here where they can drift back after a period of time too.
« Last Edit: December 10, 2018, 04:43:56 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline In the valley

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #42 on: December 10, 2018, 09:18:20 AM »
Thanks Treasure,
That's basically the route I'm taking.  Sending cards and small gifts for major events. 

I know this sounds bad but life actually improved quite a lot when my daughter left.  She was just constantly looking to pic fights and full of toxic negativity.  Her mom had her convinced this whole situation was my fault and she had no choice but to leave because she couldn't live with me anymore.  It was all nonsense but my daughter heard everything I'd ever done wrong so her mom could justify the nonsense.  I know it's not really her fault and she is just a teenager, that's why I don't want to give up.  Things are much more peaceful now though and I have more time and resources to focus on the boys.  After everything that's happened, I'm reaching acceptance I think and I have no real expectations.  Focusing on what I can control I guess and working on my own life. 
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Online Treasur

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #43 on: December 10, 2018, 09:51:14 AM »
It makes perfect sense, itv. Not very different from desperately wanting our spouses to stay and then being surprised to realise that life is less hard in some ways when they go.

Acceptance and a steady consistent course is all any of us can do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Vanishing subgroup: Who else lost at least one kid when your spouse left?
« Reply #44 on: December 12, 2018, 02:03:05 AM »
Shelly,
It sounds as if your d wants some control in her life since she did not get any say in what happened. Many children (regardles of age) feel this when when parents split. That they had no say.  I think this is probably what most of the abandoned kids feel. They need some sort of control.

Online nahTopic starter

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H-54
me-52
ow-30
married 1986
BD April 6 2013 day after family went out for sons birthday.
I packed his bags two days later...semi-vanisher
https://heneversaidaword.com

Offline Milly

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Itv, my D24 cut off contact with me right after BD and sided with her dad. After 2 years of not hearing from her at all, she started contacting me again. I had regularly sent her messages and gifts for birthday etc. We had been getting closer and closer until a recent event.

However, my D21, who had been openly angry at her dad since BD, cut off her dad completely when H and OW sued her. H doesn't try to contact her at all. His excuse is he's blocked, which he's not. Perhaps he thinks if he writes, she'll ignore him. It's possible. I do understand that it's frustrating to keep reaching out to our kids and get absolutely nothing back from them. I say this, because I'm going through this again with D24. I am very tempted to ignore her. It's easy to not care for her, to not want to even acknowledge her special days.

However, I'm very close to D21 and even though she'll never admit it, I know she misses her dad. I think she'd appreciate a message from him even though chances are, she'll ignore it. Or maybe she'll ignore it until one day she's not as mad and might answer. I don't know, but because I sense that D21 secretly would like to hear from her dad, whom she's really mad at, I message my oldest D about once a week. Just in case she is suffering and does need to know I'm still here.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline dogwalker

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That’s a good plan milly. Regardless of what’s
You do or don’t get back or what people
Tell you to do. You do what works for you
Because at the end of the day you need
To look in the mirror and be able to say
I tried and I tried and there was nothing
More I could have done. Well done you
That’s what I think parenting is.
DW

 

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