[Dontgiveup]

I think it should perhaps be mentioned that when we use the word abuse, that may be too specific a word to describe the roots of MLC, though abuse would certainly be included.  The sentence below is from one of the articles on this website that may offer a broader perspective. 

MLC is the result of significant wounding in childhood and at a person’s initiatory experience and thus their return to the wounding is a regression wherein they choose to repeat their earlier mistakes in hopes of correcting them rather than applying their experience to make different choices.

[Trustandlove]

DGU, as every, has a good, calm take on this.

Just for the record, my H is another for the loving childhood.  He wasn't abused or hurt in any way in childhood, he grew up with two parents who loved him and showed it; he said that he always felt loved.  There is the conflict avoidant thing, though, and if anything, the one thing that didn't happen in his childhood home was talking thing out.  His parents never argued, he remembers one period of silence between them when he was young, so if they did argue they did it very carefully behind closed doors. 

But despite great love from his parents the self-esteem must not have developed at some point; I remember him saying to me very soon after we met that he always felt a need to prove himself better than someone else.   

Maybe it's because his parents were reticent; they were the worker bees, always helping, but never putting themselves forth for anything.  They may have felt that they weren't "good enough", actually.  I do remember them sometimes saying "oh, that's not for us"; i.e. that they didn't deserve something.  I think for them it was more about being frugal; they had survived the war in extremely difficult circumstances and asked nothing more than to be able to live and raise their children, but that may have translated to H in a different way. 

It may have been to do with material success, as they weren't well off, even if they were the same as their circle of friends.  Or social class or something.   I remember him saying that when he went to university he started associating with a "better class" of person, and it "pulled him up".  So somewhere in there I guess he never felt good enough.   

So is that the "initiatory experience"?  Perhaps.

Someone here at some point said that he may not have been allowed to own his own feelings; that somehow makes sense. 

This actually came up in conversation between my H and I a couple of weeks ago; we were touching on another couple going through this (yes....); where the woman threw the man out.  He asked about them, I said that basically she was dissatisfied with life and had decided that her H was the cause.  He said well, she has lots of psychological issues (which is true)....    I said something in response, then said that by all rights it should be me doing this, as I was the one with the difficult childhood, not him. 

Goodness -- a long answer to a short question. 

[justasking]

I wonder whether the MLCer knows that they are dealing with something from their childhood or whether they run because they feel life is running out.

Even when they deal with this I'm not sure that they 'know' about any childhood issues, rather they come through having faced their own mortality which includes all the issues i.e low self esteem, lack confidence etc.

There is a lot of research that states that a crisis is due to issues from their past that they have to come to terms with.

I know just before my H left he started to talk more in depth about his childhood and his parents bad marriage. He has actually projected his parents bad marriage onto our relationship even thou we had nothing in common except a marrage certificate. So when my H journey is finished will he be able to verbalise that it was about the way he was parented? Time will tell I suppose.

xx

[Trustandlove]

JA, it's hard to tell.  Issues from his past?  His parents had a good marriage, you name it.  As far as I can tell it's the "life is running out" thing.  He always had a fear of ageing, that was there at 30 (yes, I know, cliche), I guess it never left.  He still has a hard time with birthdays, the first thing he says is "another year, can't even say "early 40's now", that kind of thing. 

When he was deeper in replay he did say that he had a list of things to do before he turned 80 and it was too late -- this included all sorts of acting out that I won't go into here. 

I guess there's nothing for it but to see how it all plays out. 

[Mermaid]

I think it should perhaps be mentioned that when we use the word abuse, that may be too specific a word to describe the roots of MLC, though abuse would certainly be included.  The sentence below is from one of the articles on this website that may offer a broader perspective. 

MLC is the result of significant wounding in childhood and at a person’s initiatory experience and thus their return to the wounding is a regression wherein they choose to repeat their earlier mistakes in hopes of correcting them rather than applying their experience to make different choices.

I'm going to give a different perspective, as a researcher in sociological/ educational issues. Yes, many MLCers may have been wounded by disfunctional OR abusive relationships when they were younger, which would affect how they see themselves and relate to others.

As we grow up and develop, we also build resources through our relationships and experiences. These are resources for relationships, coping with difficulties and traumas, dealing with people, communication, understanding, etc. We can build resources during a lifetime, but they are built on existing self concepts and experiences, an expansion of pre-existing patterns.

Wild children, or children who have been extremely abused/ abandoned, may never be able to recover patterns of trust, language, socilialization, if they pass the window of opportunity when they are very young. Howvere, those who have been protected in some way from the abuser, being able to build up positive relationships (for example, with a sibling) when young, are able to recover.

A child who fundamentally has never been loved will have great difficulty in ever developing the capacity to love.

My H was not abused, although his perfectionsim is a reflection of some inner unworthiness. He developed resources very strongly in some areas (academically, in sports, and professionally), and not so well in others (sharing his space, tolerating fallibility in people close to him, and dealing with stress), as a result of his childhood experiences.

[Glimmer]

My H and his siblings were afraid of their domineering father when they were growing up. He has mellowed a lot as he has got older but H has never really been able to speak to him.

However,  H was married previously aged 18 when his college girlfriend got pregnant. He was a father at 19 and divorced at 24. He has not seen his son since he was 8, he is now 27. His ex wife did everything in her power and successfully prevented him from having any contact with his son. He now lives in New Zealand so his chances of ever seeing him again are very remote.

When H dropped the bomb and said he was leaving, he gave his reason as 'I have never had a youth'.  He felt he had missed out on a lot of the normal  stuff young men do, because he had responsibilities as a father.  This statement was true, but as we all know we can never get those times back. I guess he is just having a hard time accepting that.

[Moving Forward]

Hmmm,
I have just found this Thread - well my husband lost his Mum at 15 years of age, had to sleep with his dad for the following year so that he didn't blow his brains out (my H's words), his dad remarried within a year to a Czech lady and went on to have 2 further chidlren with her, his Dad is a workaholic who is angry most of the time (kind to me though since BD).

In the 10 months leading to him leaving my husband started to go back to his school time friends and this path lead to his girlfriend from that time (of 6 or so years) - the OW (who is 43, never been married). He smelled different and his skin was waxy and he developed spots - he would sweat profusley.

He also behaved like a 15 year old child in the time leading up to BD and that totally freaked me out BUT HB has since confirmed that this isn't unusual.

Before I found out about MLC I would say that my Husband had gone back to a time when he thought he was happy - it couldn't be after 1992 as that was when we got together and it wasn't before he was 15 as that was when his Mum had died - so his OW sat firmly and squarely in that 9 year window - then I started to read about MLc and it all sort of clicked....

My Husband is now redoing a lot of the things he did then - playing badminton with OW and MY KIDS!!!!! Oh yeah also with his half brother and sister who are now 25 & 23 and who he never showed a minute of energy for in the 18 years we were together...but his family seem to be able to just 'paper over the cracks'....and just accept his version of events - the whole family are disfunctional in my view but that is a whole different story...I just wanted to add my point of view to this Thread.

P
xx