[SailingAway]

I apologise if this topic has been done before.

I have been reading quite regularly about this MLC divorce not being like a normal divorce.  I must admit I don't understand what normal divorce means.

My MLCer has decided it is time to divorce so sent me all the paperwork 1 week before I was taking my kids on holiday. He then decided to text me about the paperwork while he was out celebrating our son's birthday.  I just ignored him and didn't react as he has no empathy and does not deserve to know what I think or feel.

He has been very resolved in his desire to be done with me - no negotiation etc. He is just done.

So I do not come from a family that has divorce as part of it so I just don't understand how a normal divorce works.

Can anyone provide some clarity on what should be felt, thought, reactions, interactions etc should be like.

I hope I am making sense, I just want to understand what it should really be like or at least more like.

[Ticoman]

Hello Sailing Away. Great name by the way. Each divorce is different one from the other. Some might be amicable, while some might be a nightmare as the parties don’t agree on what to get and what to give.
As far as my state (NJ) goes; one does not have to answer right away, do some research about what is like on your state. Most likely you have time to go on your vacation and come back refreshed and with a clearer state of mind. Consult with some lawyers about what your options are. Most will give you a free initial consultation. Get the one you feel more confortable with. Make sure that you take into consideration everything (a good lawyer will tell you what that entails) properties, kids custody, support, share expenses as far as kids, and even arrangements for when the kids emancipate, college, etc.
Remember this crisis is not about you, you didn’t cause it or asked for it. You’re worth a lot.
Hope this helps answer your question. Keep strong and enjoy your time with the kids.
A hug from afar.
Ticoman

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I believe the difference is that a normal divorce is rarely a surprise. MLC separation and divorce typically comes as a complete surprise to the LBS. LBSes often write on here that this came totally out of nowhere. Usually everything seems great until one day it isn't.

My wife was excited because we had just put our camping trailer on a permanent site for the summer and she was planning on spending the whole summer there. She had just started rebuilding one of her flower gardens. We were spending all of our spare time together and never fought about anything. Then one day she moved out to go and live with an om. It felt like I'd been hit by a bus that had come out of nowhere. Five years later it still feels that way.

Normal divorce there are usually some friends and/or relatives who aren't surprised. All of our friends and relatives were just as shocked as I was. Normal divorce the person leaving often turns to friends and/or relatives for support. In our case my wife walked away from everyone. Normal divorce the person filing for divorce wants to get it over with. MLCers often drag their feet and don't seem to know what they want. Two years after filing my wife still didn't know what to tell her lawyer to ask for. Hope this helps.

[Standing Strong]

Yup, what brain says...... except for that the MLC'er will sometimes make their plans known to a few people they want to be the "victim" to. Those people are normally shocked too but keep it under wraps.
When I was BD'ed I was very surprised to find some of her family knew and felt so bad but couldn't say anything.

Justification is huge in MLC, and I don't think it is in "normal" divorce.

I think in "normal" divorce, the people don't like each other (at least one) and it's very open. In MLC it's all a surprise.

I know the day before BD I was told "I love you" (and each day the months before for that matter).... then *BAM*. You don't do that in "normal" divorce.

-SS

[barbiedoll]

This is a good question but likely very difficult to answer.  All divorces are different ( of course) and MLC's come in all different shapes and sizes. But I do think there are some differences .

-It comes as an utter traumatic shock. Most of us had NO idea that we had spouses that were apparently desperately unhappy. I think in a "typical" divorce there are signs, arguments, threats perhaps, issues that are constantly un-solvable. My husband had NO issues...until he had 100 of them. Sucker-punched.

- I think it is difficult to process or accept what a MLC'er is saying regarding wanting a divorce ...because you do not even know this person. There have been so many shocking changes , how can you process "divorce". I honestly thought he likely had a brain tumor. I do not think that happens in a typical divorce.

- Of course this is not true in all cases ...but the absolute total and complete lack of forethought that a MLC'er seems to have is staggering. They have not thought about money, consequences, family, children etc etc. . They appear to be blind to the future ramifications . I think this is less likely in your "typical" divorce

- it seems that MLC'ers want a divorce ...then they do not ...then they do , and actually "do" nothing. The indecision and inaction is crazy making . Again, not so typical in other divorces in my opinion.

-When it comes to midlife crisis and the desire for a divorce any rational thought flies out the window. Even your rational thought processes can change and it seems you are never dealing with the same person twice.  Even though my husband no longer loved me , had been trying to leave for "years" ( apparently) , he reacted with absolute shock when I mentioned the word divorce . He said " I NEVER said anything about divorce!!".  Is this in a typical divorce?  Not so much.

- I thought my husband had a "personality transplant".  It was like I entered the twilight zone. Is this in a typical "normal" divorce ( if there is such a thing )

- It seems that with MLC'er there are no talks, no discussions, no "sense" can be made with them. They want "out" and do not want to discuss counselling, mediation, budgets, etc. There is "panic" to leave asap. A desperation.

Just some thoughts...and of course not all true in all cases .

[Standing Strong]

Wow Barbie 

100%...... awesome.

-SS

[Keep believing]

I think a normal d has to do with 2 people talking about it first. deciding some things together. sitting with kids an explaining not just walking out one day.

[SailingAway]

Thank you so much for your replies.

Sometimes it is hard to see outside of what is happening in our own small corner. My MLCer is very resolved, I am the solution to all his problems (if he had never met me he wouldn't have any - quote from MLCer).

He doesn't seem to flip flop from day to day - I love you, I love you not etc. Although many months ago (March/April) he did tell me that he would like to try again and go back to when we were 18. But that was just talk, he just wanted me to jump through hoops to show how much I wanted him. Since then it has been nothing.

I am fairly at peace with what he is doing - divorcewise. I am slowly processing the pain, not letting it overwhelm me, after all we have all the time we need and I want to make sure I am fully healthy (emotionally).

I really appreciate the comments. Not having been close to a divorce I didn't know what it should actually be like but it does make sense that other people should of seen it coming and that family shouldn't be surprised by it all. That we should be able to have a conversation (this is hilarious because my MLCer cannot/will not talk to me). That MC should have been an option before the "I'm just done". And no consideration to the kids.

Whether my xH is in MLC or not he hasn't gone about this the right way and that is good to know.

[Wilderheart]

My STBXW has done exactly  the above MCL divorce script. She out of the blue announced she wanted a divorce in March and has stalled and done nothing since except posturing in L letters. Last week I found out from my solicitor that her divorce petition had been declined by a judge and yet her solicitor had failed to even inform mine, that could have happened months back. She’s refusing to disclose and has declined mediation so we are 7 months in but still at square one in the process l have not seen or spoken to her since March. I don’t think this is normal at all, but I do now know from the vets on here that whatever happens to us we do for now need to divorce much as I dislike the thought else we will both be in financial ruin.