[How aware /conscious/ mindfull were you pre-BD? For example did you know about 90/10 rule, did you let your stress reactions (fight, flight etc) control your behaviour. Etc]

How aware /conscious/ mindfull were you pre-BD? For example did you know about 90/10  rule, did you let your stress reactions (fight, flight etc) control your behaviour. Etc

Not aware at all

5 (35.7%)

Slightly aware

6 (42.9%)

Moderately aware

2 (14.3%)

Lot aware

0 (0%)

Fully aware

1 (7.1%)

Total Members Voted: 14

[beyondblessed]

I have always said my xh's bd was really just my awakening, if that tells you anything.  I was very much aware going towards bd that things didn't seem right with him, but by that point I was just to beat down to push the envelope.

I had tried the best I knew how to be the loving, supportive and devoted partner, but when little of that same effort was returned, over time my own efforts admittedly became less and less.  So, yes, I was somewhat aware, but not to the true extent of his brokenness.   Not that it would have mattered anyway.  Now, it's just all water under the bridge.  I chose to swim for shore.  Pretty sure he's still barely keeping his head above water.

[gman242]

I had tried the best I knew how to be the loving, supportive and devoted partner, but when little of that same effort was returned, over time my own efforts admittedly became less and less.

That seems to be the thing that rings true in all of our stories  I think some people are so damaged by their past, they just aren't functionally capable of being in a give take situation. I don't even like using that phrase. Ideally, it should be give give.

[OffRoad]

And maybe having  low awareness is not just a male thing, but also why I could not comprehend how escape and avoidant my XH actually was and why having an MLC would likely happen. "Happy" and "good" are relative terms, in any case. I had a happy marriage, XH apparantly not so much. Did I have low awareness of his "needs", did he just not tell me his "needs", or did his "needs" change? Might there also be a thing as over mindful?

Determining our level of awareness/conciousness/mindfulness has zero to do with the marriage unless that is the only area of a person's life where they were lacking. Is lack of mindfulness like taking people for granted?  Isn't it taken for granted that people who love you will let you know if you are hurting them so you can modify your behavior or that a partnership is about trust the other partner will not stab you in the back or betray you?  If an MLCer  just wanted "something different",  the LBS's mindfulness or lack thereof might have  had nothing to do with the price of butter.

Do you think you lived your entire existence unaware or unmindful and driven on monkey brains, or could it be, like Gman mentions, that someone else who is dysfunctional caused your descent into unmidfulness and that is the only part you recall right now?

[beyondblessed]

I had tried the best I knew how to

That seems to be the thing that rings true in all of our stories  I think some people are so damaged by their past, they just aren't functionally capable of being in a give take situation. I don't even like using that phrase. Ideally, it should be give give.

I agree.  I honestly do not believe my xh to be a terrible person at his core, despite where he's at now.  I do believe our upbringings prepared for drastically different views and ideas of what a loving relationship requires and of how it looked and felt.  His was a family of chaos, anger and functioned solely on dysfunction.   Mine was not perfect, but it was responsible,  rational and stable in stark comparison.   We just were not a match.