[OffRoad]

Backing up a minute. You say he doesn't trust you. Has he said these words, that he doesn't trust you? I know he has said that you aren't "safe", but has he said why he feels you aren't "safe".

Not being safe COULD mean he thinks you will yell at him if he does something "wrong" and he doesn't want to be yelled at so he won't say when he does something wrong. If this were true and  you knew this, you might come up with a different way, other than yelling, to deal with when he does something wrong.

Not being safe COULD mean that he knows if he screws up again you might leave, so he can't tell you when he screws up because it might be the thing that makes you leave.

In truth, neither of them would be about YOU being safe, but about him feeling safe enough to be his own screw up self. That if he isn't good enough, he will destroy everything. Better to say nothing, you see?

In this case, it would not be about not trusting YOU. He might not trust himself to be "enough" if he is 100 % him.

AND true it could be the opposite. That he doesn't trust that you will still love him if he is 100% him and ends up doing something you don't like. But it would still be about his belief in himself about being "enough".

How would you handle a vulnerable man who came up to you and said "I screwed up. I went to a casino and lost $100. I need help."

Just a thought.

[barbiedoll]

Backing up a minute. You say he doesn't trust you. Has he said these words, that he doesn't trust you? I know he has said that you aren't "safe", but has he said why he feels you aren't "safe".

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He has NOT said those words . He has never said "I do not trust you". If he is asked , he is very slow to answer anything, but he has said " I do not have any particular reason to not trust you . I know I have very little trust in people, but it really is not something I think about a lot".  I have been told by therapist that with his background trust would be difficult for him.  Many "emotional " interactions of any kind and he is out of his comfort zone. I am not "safe" for a host of reasons...but the most significant reason is that he cannot predict my reactions. He is afraid of reactions. He was terrorized ( as were his brothers) of the unpredictability and reactions of their father. He tells a story about being 10 years old and in bed in the middle of the night. His father smashed open the door and dragged all 5 of them outside in the snow because he was not happy with the "firetrucking shovelling job that the lazy bastards did".  In bare feet they shovelled until he was satisfied. He thru the TV out into the driveway and smashed it because " that was the reason they were so firetrucking lazy".   He is afraid of my reactions.... and that is that. Any "discussion or emotional talk" WILL escalate ….so he shuts down and bails.  And that action...that "bailing and shutting down " absolutely is so painful, so crazy making ….it WILL escalate. And it does .

Not being safe COULD mean he thinks you will yell at him if he does something "wrong" and he doesn't want to be yelled at so he won't say when he does something wrong. If this were true and  you knew this, you might come up with a different way, other than yelling, to deal with when he does something wrong.

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All true. It is true .  Yelling would be "escalation" ....being ignored , shut-down, abandoned , refusal to engage ' trigger me in a way that I could not explain. Severe trigger.  I become enraged . Physically …I am pacing to "flee" in full activation of fight or fight.  Hot flashes, cannot swallow, heart racing.... And yes, it escalates . We have discussed this many many times in therapy. ....we just cannot change it.

Not being safe COULD mean that he knows if he screws up again you might leave, so he can't tell you when he screws up because it might be the thing that makes you leave.

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Yes. This is true also.  I am aware of this.  He lives in fear . And me ?   I live alone. 

In truth, neither of them would be about YOU being safe, but about him feeling safe enough to be his own screw up self. That if he isn't good enough, he will destroy everything. Better to say nothing, you see?

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You are correct again. It is NOT about me . It is early childhood programming and reactions and damage etc etc ....still present in an adult relationship.  Sometimes he "gets that " ...sometimes he does not. He becomes defensive  , blaming and recently downright mean.  He is NEVER mean.  You cannot have a close emotional connection , intimacy or even "get to know " a person that behaves this way . You are on your own …because your partner continually bails .   Stonewalling articles clearly ( and accurrately) state the suffering of a person who is stonewalled.  I am really exhausted of living with soooo many things that "are not about me "....but have extreme impact on me.

He might not trust himself to be "enough" if he is 100 % him.

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He has said this . In therapy …not to me necessarily .

But it would still be about his belief in himself about being "enough".

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He has very low self-esteem , very low self image. Not that you can tell that ( he performs like a super-hero) . But I just know.  He has never felt "good enough". He is constantly seeking validation and praise and acknowlegment. He tells me that I do not see all the changes in him. He tells me that " I settled for him".

How would you handle a vulnerable man who came up to you and said "I screwed up. I went to a casino and lost $100. I need help."

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I absolutely know . I would feel compassion. Without question.

Thanks Offroad ..for responding .