[Drewpea]

Hi All,
Please bear with me as this is the first time I have wrote my story down, journalling  is supposed to help.

I have been with my partner for 16 years, we have 3 beautiful children and I felt in all a fairly good relationship, as with all relationships we had our ups and downs but the middles really worked and in general I was really happy with it, I thought I had found my forever person.

Early last year I began to feel a distance between us along with dwindling communication, we are both quite stubborn so communication was always quite tough in situations, but I was always the one to back down and go along with her desires.

During the course of the year I could feel a rift starting to open up and it scared me tbh, I reached out a few times to try and resolve the issue with no avail, this and work stresses caused me to start to withdraw, I felt I had no one to help and sadly started to drink at the weekends to cope with this.

Fast forward to Aug and we all went on holiday, by this stage we had both put masks on and was further distant, to the extent where she on one occasion she made an excuse not to go out with me and the kids for the day, she chose to sunbathe at our base.
She came out with us the next day to sunbathe and got really burnt which in turn meant that she was unable to move off the bed. At this stage I was fed up and the children had all but had enough. I'm ashamed to admit in my sorrow I got drunk that night and the next morning had an argument with her and told her that we were going home, she refused and told me I could but they were staying. We had a quiet day for the rest of the day and finally we agreed that we would go home the next day. The journey home was a nighmare, anger and sadness.
When we got home she was taken to hospital with a large blister on her leg that needed treatment, I did what any partner and dad would do and got on with things.

A week after that, at the weekend she avoided me going to see friends etc I carried on with looking after the children  and sorting the house. The same thing happened the following weekend, I felt so helpless  and low at this stage that I just shut down completely on the Sunday and went to bed at 4.

The following morning (early September) was our BD she told me that she didn't want this anymore, I asked her to clarify and she told me that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, my world fell apart at that stage but, I told her I really don't want this but I respect your decision and I'll be gone by the time you get back from work. Her response was that I should stay for the childrens sake, so I relented just in case there was a chance we could work things out. I moved onto the sofa downstairs. A week later I had a message from her asking if we could sort things out and if I wanted too ?
For three months I worked on myself, slayed a lot of demons from my past thanks to Hypnotherapy and talking to friends. I was trying to be a better version of myself for me and for her, I gave up the drinking but nothing I did would make a difference she told me she was sacred to loose me but scared to open up to me.

All through this period I had a gut feeling that there was a OM, I encouraged her to have some time to herself over the weekends so she used to go out for the days on a Sunday and a few stop overs at friends houses ( so I thought) I encouraged this as I thought it would help alltho I had a niggling doubt. All the signs were there, phone, change in dress style etc. I did broach the subject a few times with her but it was always denied and even once swore on the children's life !! Everyday felt like I was on death row, I wasn't eating or sleeping.
3 days before Christmas I finally got the truth there was an OM, someone from her past. I borke down and left the house for the day to try and get some clarity, I then came back in the evening and foolishly tried to give her an ultimatum which backfired. So for the sake of the children and to try and get things sorted I stayed. I had a breakdown in a carpark after he tried to ring her and she was so anxious to talk to him it broke me completely, all I got was a pat on the back and told that she was uncomfortable.

I put up with the messages over the Christmas day and boxing day and had one last attempt buy taking everyone out to a familiar place, I felt like an alien in my own family and all of the good memories from ther had been forgotten by her, thatvwas the day I decided to move out and live with some family as a trial seperation we were not making any traction.

I have seen a massive change in her over the past few months for the worst, we have gone no contact,ltried to work out what we are going to do  but every time we have she has broken down and doesn't know what she wants !.

She has told me that OM is not in the picture anymore as that 'wouldn't make sense' but I'm not sure as when I'm invited in her phone is always hidden and very regulated.

I am stuck with knowing waht to do for the best, she dissapears on a friday night (childen stays around the grandparents)she is reverting back into her younger self.

Sorry this is soo long but I'm at A loss at what to do for the best, there is a lot more to the story which I'll greatly answer.

[Reinventing]

Drewpea, sorry you are here with us. Everything you described is very familiar with us. I say that as a strange comfort for you to know you've landed in a group who has been devastated and understands from experience the maelstrom of emotions.

From what you wrote, you have moved back into the house? That part wasn't clear.

How old are your children? That helps give context to your situation.

Just know this: you won't always feel this way and it will get better. It takes time.

[Treasur]

We are all very sorry that you and your kids find yourself needing to find us, but glad you did.

You asked about what you should ‘do for the best’….that sounds like a simple question but it can be influenced quite a lot by the details of where you find yourself right now and what you want given that and what you see as priorities that need decisions or actions from you.

And of course, best for who….we would suggest you focus on best for you and your kids bc, as I’m sure you see already, you have very little influence or control over your spouse’s current thoughts, feelings or actions.

So, ignoring what was and ignoring what might be, how would you describe the current situation? Practical things….money, housing, debt risk, how your kids are coping, your own health and sanity. Have you taken legal advice bc it can vary quite a lot between different places and information can help you avoid reactions that might make things legally more difficult for you in an unknown as yet future? I may have misunderstood bc you use the word ‘partner’, so I am not sure if you are legally married or not. Doesn’t matter to us but it may matter legally in terms of yoyr rights and obligations where you live.

And what does that mean you see as the current priorities that need decision or action from you?

The simple answer to your question is probably a lot less than it might feel you should and a lot slower than it might feel you should. A lot less about her and a lot more about you and your kids. But a lot more on a probably just a few things right now that protect and strengthen you as an independent man and a father dealing with a s&itshow beyond your comprehension that is unlikely to disappear any time soon.

We understand all too well how very WTF it is to shift one’s own lens to adapt to a new and deeply painful situation for your family. Tbh I think that changing one’s own mental habits is just as hard as adapting to the surreal behaviour of an MLC spouse. Takes most of us a while. So, for instance, your wife’s words right now are worth not much at all….and you should start adjusting to the idea that she will probably lie a lot about things like OM. And blame you for things that have nothing to do with you or that are/were your control. Takes most of us a while to stop picking up our spouse’s monkeys or tidying up the mess they are making in their own lives. I’m not saying you should be a jerk or trying to punish her, even if understandably you feel like that sometimes, but you can’t nice her back or dance hard enough to fix this bc it isn’t about you.

Having said that - and it sounds as if you have already done some of this - there are things you can do, and should do, to strengthen yourself and mitigate the possible damage for you and your kids. Don’t drink if that’s a weakness or escape mechanism for you. Avoid the appeal of nice sympathetic women lol. Learn what helps you to manage your own emotional reactions. Breathe. Focus on some things that feel good and have nothing at all to do with your spouse or your marriage. Prioritise stability and safety and calm nd consistency for you and your kids bc whatever kind of wife and mother she was before, your wife is more likely to be bringing drama, instability and uncertainty in the near future. And what should you prioritise that will help you to do that and keep doing it?

How can we best support you right now?
What do you see as your priorities at the moment? Or your biggest concerns that you feel you can do something about?

And a PS….try to be careful about the words you use when you talk to yourself bc strangely our brains tend to listen lol. I’m sure that right now you feel broken, but I’d encourage you to find a different word which is more accurate and perhaps a bit more constructive….battered, dented, upended, overwhelmed…..bc it’s not as black and white over time as it feels at the moment, I promise. Life will get better even if it takes a very different path than the one you’d planned for your family, but it takes time and a few bits of trial and error. Keep the faith though that it can get better even if you can’t quite see what that looks like yet bc that can matter on the darkest of days. 

[Happylight]

I am so sorry you find yourself here.
 So many familiar stories.  I really encourage you to maintain an active presence in your children's lives no matter what she is doing.   You could do something with them on Friday night.  You could also make time for a new hobby or jump back into an old one.  Working on new things and yourself has been a big help for me. 

What is best may become more clear in time.  We thrash about trying to find our balance and make things happen.  Be still and see what comes.  You might get more clarity. 

[Drewpea]

Thank you for your kind words everyone,
I will try and respond to the questions in individual posts to add some more meat to the bones:

From what you wrote, you have moved back into the house? That part wasn't clear.

No I haven't, I am currently living with family and I see the children at the weekends, we went full NC for 2 weeks so I wasnt seeing her or going back in the house, after this we had another conversation which ultimately was the im still not sure what i want so I initiated more NC apart from discussions about the children or an emergency. She also told me that i didnt need to stay in car when i picked up or dropped off i could come in. From here we are still predominantly NC but I have told her I am here if you ever want to talk

How old are your children? That helps give context to your situation.

19, 14 and 11

[Drewpea]

You asked about what you should ‘do for the best’….that sounds like a simple question but it can be influenced quite a lot by the details of where you find yourself right now and what you want given that and what you see as priorities that need decisions or actions from you.

And of course, best for who….we would suggest you focus on best for you and your kids bc, as I’m sure you see already, you have very little influence or control over your spouse’s current thoughts, feelings or actions.



This is my main issue at the moment, I don't know if I should fully let go for now and call time fully on us or just carry on and try and support from a distance, we haven't officially separated, this is still a prolonged trial seperation.

So, ignoring what was and ignoring what might be, how would you describe the current situation? Practical things….money, housing, debt risk, how your kids are coping, your own health and sanity. Have you taken legal advice bc it can vary quite a lot between different places and information can help you avoid reactions that might make things legally more difficult for you in an unknown as yet future? I may have misunderstood bc you use the word ‘partner’, so I am not sure if you are legally married or not. Doesn’t matter to us but it may matter legally in terms of yoyr rights and obligations where you live.

We are not married, just engaged. The finances are the tricky part, I was the main breadwinner and paid the house and bills I have still continued this even know I have moved out, more for the sake of the children and so she can sort out being independent. This month will be the last full payment as I need to start saving for a place of my own ( I have to start thinking about me) . Its another difficult conversation I need to have.
The children seem OK but I can see that they are not, they are more emotional and my youngest never wants me to leave. They are fighting between themselves more, sadly I think, I'm the bad Dad for leaving to an extent.
I go from good days to WTF bad days but meditation/Hypnotherapy is helping a lot

And what does that mean you see as the current priorities that need decision or action from you?

Tbh, just helping the children through this difficult time and that's it, I personally dont want to let go of the relationship but I'm preparing for a life on my own.


 Takes most of us a while. So, for instance, your wife’s words right now are worth not much at all….and you should start adjusting to the idea that she will probably lie a lot about things like OM. And blame you for things that have nothing to do with you or that are/were your control.

I've already been told that if it wasnt for the children then we would of split years ago and the relationship was at times toxic, but she does acknowledge that she did react in the wrong way at times ? Very confusing.



How can we best support you right now?

To be honest, being here is helping a lot, it's a minefield it took a while to find you and for the penny to drop that MLC was the issue. Just talking and researching here has lowered the feeling of being lost in the wilderness.


What do you see as your priorities at the moment? Or your biggest concerns that you feel you can do something about?


Trying to support my children and keep as much dialogue as possible with them at the moment and
Just adjusting to the new norm I suppose for now and trying to prepare for what's around the corner.


And a PS….try to be careful about the words you use when you talk to yourself bc strangely our brains tend to listen lol. I’m sure that right now you feel broken, but I’d encourage you to find a different word which is more accurate and perhaps a bit more constructive….battered, dented, upended, overwhelmed…..bc it’s not as black and white over time as it feels at the moment, I promise. Life will get better even if it takes a very different path than the one you’d planned for your family, but it takes time and a few bits of trial and error. Keep the faith though that it can get better even if you can’t quite see what that looks like yet bc that can matter on the darkest of days. 

Thank you for you very kind words and I will reframe this situation and myself, I'm not broken just adjusting and adapting.
[/quote]

[Drewpea]

I am so sorry you find yourself here.
 So many familiar stories.  I really encourage you to maintain an active presence in your children's lives no matter what she is doing.   You could do something with them on Friday night.  You could also make time for a new hobby or jump back into an old one.  Working on new things and yourself has been a big help for me. 

What is best may become more clear in time.  We thrash about trying to find our balance and make things happen.  Be still and see what comes.  You might get more clarity.

Thank you for the kind words Happylight, I will no matter what always be there for my children no matter what gets thrown our way, I'm planning on getting somewhere to live relatively close so they can come over when they want, some sanctuary for them if they need it but I will always turn up for them on a weekend and talk daily to them.

I believe, as much as I'm inpatient, you are right time will tell and influence what happens next.
I'm trying to find my balance, its a massive adjustment as I'm so used to being 5th priority in my list, so I'm not sure about hobbies atm although I am doing a lot of walking.

[Anoi]

For three months I worked on myself, slayed a lot of demons from my past thanks to Hypnotherapy and talking to friends. I was trying to be a better version of myself for me and for her, I gave up the drinking but nothing I did would make a difference 

It will. For you, for your children. That is what you need to do, that is the way.
But not for her. For you.
And she will return or go away no matter what you do. Sorry that you are in our club, so very sorry.
But for 3 months you were on the very right path to being happy again.
It's gonna be okey, really. Just don't give up on yourself and read about MLC, understanding what the hell is going on helped me a ton to figure out what i can Actually do about it, instead of feeling completely helpless facing this disaster.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Drew,

It has been a few months. How are you? What is your situation now?

UM