[Veryhurt]

This June would be 26 years of marriage. My husband started last year of saying I can’t cook or can’t do this or that and it progressively got worse. On Feb 3 he left the house. No contact for the who,e time he was gone until he came back to the house March 4. On March 16 he said he loves me but is not in love with me and doesn’t think he ever was. He then left and hasn’t been home since. He does not text or call. Needless to say like most everyone I am very hurt, sad depressed, and angry. I cry all the time and when I am working if someone asks about him I about cry. I go talk to my attorney next week about a separation or divorce just not sure which way to go yet but will figure it out when I speak with her. Does it get better, am I jumping the gun to soon with the attorney, so many unanswered questions.

[Nas]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
To your first question, I can say a definitive yes, it does get better.
To your second question, you have to do what is right for you and your situation, but in my opinion, getting legal advice as early as possible is critical. There’s no such thing as jumping the gun on information gathering at least. only you know the specifics of your situation and what you think will be best for you. I know right now, when you are emotionally doubled over in pain, this is the last thing you want to be doing, and it’s hard to think straight.  But arming yourself with all the information you can is the best advice that I can give. Ask about every scenario, best case, worst case, and everything in between. Lawyers have seen it all, so don’t be afraid to ask all of it( and write it all down because it’ll cost every time you have to ask again).
Share your story here when you are ready you will get good advice. In the end, you will have to make the choices that best fit your situation, but here you will find people who have literally gone through every every situation imaginable, and some unimaginable.
Hang in there…

[A Life Unimagined]

I am so very sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you've found this forum so that you can connect with all of us who have experienced the same gut-wrenching pain of a spouse in MLC. Please know that you are safe and cared for here.

To answer your question, YES IT DOES GET BETTER. I wish I could tell you that it happens quickly, but it takes time. 26 years of marriage and memories don't simply fade into the distance in a matter of weeks or even months. And no matter how "real" his words may seem or how much he believes them to be true, please remember that he is in crisis. Of course he loved you...you don't stay married that long if there was no love. I know his absence and no contact is painful, but he is doing you a favor because it allows you the DISTANCE YOU NEED to heal. And this is the journey we all have been thrown into...a journey of healing for ourselves. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Cry when you feel overwhelmed. Take time off work, if possible, to give yourself the solitude you need to feel your emotions...they need to flow naturally. This is a process, and you must go through each stage to graduate to the next...but YOU WILL make it through.

Speaking to your attorney is the wisest thing you can do because you need to protect yourself financially. I'm currently finalizing a "separation agreement" because I have to wait until the end of the year to officially file for divorce (1 year mandatory waiting period for me). If you take that first step, then you can decide later what your 2nd step will be. You don't have to figure it all out now. You have to make sure that you are emotionally stable and solid before you proceed with each and every step, because the road will be bumpy no matter which way you choose.

I am 7 months from BD and 5 months into separation. I went dark immediately after I found out about OW a couple of months after H moved out. Fidelity is a non-negotiable for me so even as painful as it was, I had to decide to move on without him. Going dark has helped me tremendously to detach and heal. For a while, I was suffering symptoms similar to PTSD and my physical health was in jeopardy from all of the emotional stress, panic and anxiety. H was the love of my life (and he told me the same two days before he moved out), and I didn't think I could survive. However, here I am now feeling more alive and free than I have felt in a long time. I am excited about life again and building a new chapter for me and my kids. The tears have stopped flowing. Now when I think about him, I still feel the loss but it's more like a feeling of "what a shame it didn't work out".  The love of what we used to have will always be there, but it no longer hurts to think of our past. Instead, I feel a sense of gratitude to have been blessed with a wonderful and loving husband, incredible father to my kids, and fantastic life partner for the last 17 years.

Here is the approach that worked for me: in my mind and heart, my wonderful husband died the day of BD. When I realized later that he's going through MLC, I decided that I must do everything to protect my precious memories from the monster he had become. So I separated the man I loved from the man he is today...they are NOT one in the same. This allowed me to hold on to what I know we had (an incredibly bonded, once-in-a-lifetime, loving relationship) and not drive myself crazy questioning the past 17 years. It enables me to help my children hold on to the love they feel for their father, to honor it and to cherish it. It helps us all separate the sins from the sinner - to separate the sinner from the saint we all loved. It took hours of therapy, prayer, scripture reading, talking to family and friends, and self-exploration to get to this point, but here I am - finally.

I wish you nothing but healing and love. You will find peace again. I promise. Just hold on to yourself, dig deep to find your inner strength, and know that you are beautiful inside and out. Hang on tight to your family and friends - lean on anyone willing to support. Go out into nature, take long walks, do things FOR YOU that bring you joy...things that don't have anything to do with him. Most of all, love yourself. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. IT DOES GET BETTER. I promise.

[UrsaMajor]

Welcome to the party no one EVER wanted an invitation to....

Q1) Yes, it does get better but it takes time.... LOTS of time..... This is not a sprint to the finish but a multi-year-long ultra-marathon slog through the mud.

Q2) No, you are NOT jumping the gun at all. MLC'ers can spend money like there is no tomorrow chasing their next "feelz" so it is crucial to get all the information you can as early as possible. Yes, it is like chewing on aluminum foil or having a root canal without numbing but it is really important so that you are not left up the creek holding the paddle and without a boat.

Please take a look at the materials linked in my signature (Survival Guide for Newbies) because there is lots of valuable information there.

Rule 1 - Self-care is critical now. Eating, sleeping, drinking enough (NOT alcohol - self-medication is never a good idea), exercise, support of friends/professionals (as needed).
Rule 2 - Shoot the wolf closest to the sled first - you are already doing this if you have an appointment with your attorney - they can guide you through the maze of "what-ifs" and put you pin a place of knowledge that will help you determine your way forward
Rule 3 - Internalize the saying "Not my circus, not my monkeys." This is HIS Crisis. It has NOTHING to do with you. It never DID have anything to do with you. You can't fix it. You can't stop it. You can't control it. At worst, you can make it go on longer by enabling it and protecting him form the consequences of his actions.
Rule 4 - What we like to call the Rule of 3's here - with regard to communication (I don't know if you have kids together or not - if so, adapt as required) - If there is blood or injury or death involved, respond in 3 minutes. If it is regarding important issues like property, money, or legal things that have a deadline - 3 days. If it is run of the mill everyday things, 3 weeks. If it is idle chit-chat, maybe not at all but certainly not with any sense of urgency.....
Rule 5 - Ignore any rules that don't fit for your situation. Each LBS is different, Each MLC'er is different. Some are wallowers, some are so high-energy one could use them to start a nuclear fusion generator. Some are so depressed and passive, they make Eeyore look like a barrel of laughs. Some are such Monsters they make Godzilla with Rabies look like a puppy dog.

You have found a community of people that really DO understand what you are going through and are willing to listen and provide their advice based on their experiences. Their experiences are not your experience. People in "real life" very often have absolutely NO clue what it is like and they tend to look at the LBS like we have 3 eyeballs or something when we tell them what is going on... Of course, the situations are so bizarre that our MLC'ers may just as well BE the ones with three eyeballs or the people taken over in Invasion of the Body Snatchers...

UM

[Baxter1]

So sorry you’re here, im  13 mo post BD and it does get better. Like everything else it takes time to heal. I(we) were all at the point of crying at work in the beginning. After all those years of being with someone how could you not be. In going to jump on and agree with the advice given: take care of you, take care of the kids. Shift your focus towards those two things to help you get through this. It helped me tremendously to have something else to focus on.
Speaking to a lawyer is great advice, it doesn’t hurt to know your options. It’s doesn’t mean you have to exercise the options now but knowing your rights isn’t the worst thing.

Good luck

[Treasur]

How wise of you to gather some legal information early on. I hope that the meeting was useful. Imho, when a spouse pretty much vanishes and refuses to communicate about their intended next steps, they will avoid dealing with the adult practicalities leaving you in limbo and/or file out of the blue catching you off guard. In either situation, knowing your legal rights and obligations is useful. Sadly, you should also prepare yourself that there is an ow in the mix - it is incredibly unusual if there were not, and vanishers imho vanish off to someone/somewhere - and sometimes the ow’s agenda influences legal moves by a spouse. And of course ow does not care about your legal or financial needs or those of your kids if you have them. So you have to, and to find a decent lawyer who will help you to do that.

And to your main question. Yes, mostly. It takes longer than you (and others) might think. It is not a straight line. It changes your perspective on lots of things and sometimes in ways that surprise you. Again jmo, but I think it is like grieving a significant bereavement. Hard, messy, confusing, exhausting. But I agree with others that the pain ebbs and flows and, over time, eases into something different. It will not always feel like it does right now. And tbh stabilising the other parts of your life as much as you can helps tremendously.

[Reinventing]

Yes, it gets better and you won't always feel this way.

Taking care of the finances (talking to an attorney) and your emotional well being (developing a support system) is your priority now.

[Atari25]

This June would be 26 years of marriage. My husband started last year of saying I can’t cook or can’t do this or that and it progressively got worse. On Feb 3 he left the house. No contact for the who,e time he was gone until he came back to the house March 4. On March 16 he said he loves me but is not in love with me and doesn’t think he ever was. He then left and hasn’t been home since. He does not text or call. Needless to say like most everyone I am very hurt, sad depressed, and angry. I cry all the time and when I am working if someone asks about him I about cry. I go talk to my attorney next week about a separation or divorce just not sure which way to go yet but will figure it out when I speak with her. Does it get better, am I jumping the gun to soon with the attorney, so many unanswered questions.

Similarly my wife of 25 years walked out in early January so it's been 3 months now. It's just starting to feel a little less painful now but I'm still in shock and I feel sad a lot of the time.  I still lie in bed at night 2-3 times a week with tears.

Good idea seeing an attorney, I did the same just for a consultation, knowledge is key. I will not make any moves unless my wife does. I'm holding steady.

Protect your finances also.

My wife has actually rented an apartment. Where is your husband living? Or do you know?

[Happylight]

I am so sorry.  It can seem overwhelmingly painful.  I advise you to try to do some things for yourself.  This can be hard, but it was huge for me.  I started working out again regularly, I started learning now to play the piano, I have learned to crochet. 
Also know that the "Not in love with you" and "Never Loved you" language is very common.  They have convinced themselves of this, and it is a reality for them right now, but it is because it is the only way they can justify what they are doing to themselves.  I also read the reflection of a former MLC spouse who said he did everything he could in the months leading up to bomb drop to make his wife into everything he claimed she was.  He picked fights and criticized constantly.  My H did this as well, so the complaints and stuff are also a common MO for MLC. 

[MadLuv]

As others have said…time does make things better.  Separation from the chaos also helps. I divorced immediately after just short of 30years.  From time XH left to divorce was 90days. I protected myself financially as I knew something was terribly wrong. Well, he has completely blew through massive amounts of money, married OW, stopped seeing our children and grandchildren.

 I say this not to scare you, but to let you know that right now he is not who he was and everything and anything is possible. I had no idea the sweet man I thought I had known for decades could be capable of what he was. Crisis, depression and loss of self  and inability and avoiding looking at why can create an avalanche of disaster. The sooner you can get legal advise the better.