[Treasur]

I agree with the others in commending your caution. Tbh, he has created huge damage to you and your family, the kind of damage that is life-altering however things unfold. Sometimes in life, one simply can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube no matter how much one wishes one could. Imho that’s as true for the LBS as the MLCer.

Will his words translate into the obvious kind of consistent action someone would take if they really do regret the damage they have created? Time will tell. But tbh, right now, it does read more as if some of his own chickens have come home to roost on multiple fronts. That is as little to do with you as his initial choice to blow up your shared life had to do with you. Until/unless you see rather less of a me me focus, and rather more big grown up kind of actions that are not all about simply his thoughts and feelings, you are probably wise to keep your hopes and expectations floor-scrapingly low and maintain as much of a focus as you can on the day to day good life for you and your kids with him on a rather distant sideline of the main pitch.

In life, it’s either foolish or delusional to break big things and then expect someone else to do the hard work of fixing them for you, isn’t it? Well, once you get past about 8 or so….. and MLCers don’t have a good track record of adulting usually or doing the hard stuff. Give him the space to prove your non-expectations wrong by all means if you wish, but you are wise to call a real spade a spade and respond accordingly. Someone has to live in the real world after all…..you and your kids deserve no less.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

He was a bit taken a back I think hearing me say it that way almost was like a bit of a wake up call.

Amazing how the truth can hit you so hard. He made his choices and his actions are not those of someone with one ounce of integrity.

He has now decided to move his stuff out of the gf’s house, as he is unsure of how he feels - but continue a relationship with her so technically currently she is still his gf.

Maybe, don't always believe him. Maybe she asked him to leave. I don't give much credence to any MLCer. So now he lives at home, what is his role in that household, the prodigal son returns?

He has said he know he has destroyed me and the kids

Sorry, my friend, that is not regret or remorse, that's just feel pity for me statements. You can let him know that he betrayed you and your kids, but all of you can and will thrive without him. He has to know that a cheating, baby abandoning , man child is no prize. If you feel you need a man, but don't want to go through the ordeal of dating, go steal a scarecrow out of a cornfield. They are not too messy, they don't talk back, and they keep the crows away. On a sunny day, they can provide some shade for you and your children. That makes a scarecrow a better prize than your husband.

The point is that he destroyed his wonderful life and he needs to accept the consequences for his actions. As you navigate your new reality, just remember that you and your children are the prize- not him.

Have an awesome weekend,

(((Ready)))

[Biscuit]

"go steal a scarecrow out of a cornfield. They are not too messy, they don't talk back, and they keep the crows away. On a sunny day, they can provide some shade for you and your children. That makes a scarecrow a better prize than your husband."

Loved this reasoning Ready. It's sometimes easy to forget that most of our spouses are about as much use to us as a chocolate teapot whilst in their crisis, in terms of practical day to day help and support. We tend to think about the person they once were rather than really considering how much weight they are pulling for us and the family right now.

[UrsaMajor]

Maybe, don't always believe him. Maybe she asked him to leave. I don't give much credence to any MLCer. So now he lives at home, what is his role in that household, the prodigal son returns?
<...snip...>
If you feel you need a man, but don't want to go through the ordeal of dating, go steal a scarecrow out of a cornfield. They are not too messy, they don't talk back, and they keep the crows away. On a sunny day, they can provide some shade for you and your children. That makes a scarecrow a better prize than your husband.

WET CLEAN UP ON AISLE 5 PLEASE!

I'm going to need a new keyboard after that....

[Hollie220423]

So I’ve not posted for a while now I’ve been mainly focusing on the kids over the summer - after the last message he tried to make and effort by showing up more and helping with the kids - he lost his job (the one he dropped everything for) and was finding a  new one - I took the kids away all on my own was so proud of myself - he did it with her - no despite him telling me it’s not going far between them - he stil took the kids on holiday with her and he’s been so off since.

In the summer he said he thought that there was a little bit of hope when the solicitor was putting pressure on him , to give us disclosure, he kept refusing and wouldn’t respond to any correspondence so I told them to stop coms for a while as I was paying for letters/emails and getting nowhere fast - he said he wasn’t sure what he wanted moved all the kids stuff out of hers although I think her parents whose house it is whether she rents from them I don’t know, aren’t overally happy with her choice of man and they don’t want him and his kids stuff there - so he told me a pack of lies to suck me back in to take the kids stuff back here and me start having them again on his weekends overnight. I was just starting to get a bit more freedom.

He’s told me I am/was the right person for him, to which I’ve responded with if I was you wouldn’t of felt the need to leave - he said the place where he worked before (with her) ruined his life..? And he would much rather have his old life with us than the one he has now (which is is still choosing)

Wednesday I had a chat with him - didn’t shout or curse just merely said I am finding things hard - put some boundaries in place like I’m happy for him to have the children here I make myself scarce but he needs to tidy up after himself - he will feed them but leave all the plates etc on the side for me to put in the dishwasher and I said I’m not a maid and this is not a hotel.. nothing bad was said.

Friday I was flying to Ireland for an important dance exam - the hobby he was asking me to give up - and after months of nothing I get an email from the divorce case file to say he had submitted the conditional order - I have no idea what it says and no idea he was going to serve it, so after all that he’s still pushing ahead with the divorce - then when I was upset asked me why, and proceeded to tell me that I was giving him $h!te on Wednesday saying that he’s obviously met the new love of his life if he’s considering kids with her etc… so feel this was done as a deliberate game play - how can I think any different when he may be saying all that but his actions are suggesting otherwise! (Which I’ve told him - words and actions are not aligning)

Then him saying to the kids on the weekend whilst I was away the house doesn’t feel like his anymore. (I’ve redecorated the bedroom) I needed to it was our martial bedroom he’s upset by it  - and he’s sharing a bedroom with someone else now.!? It’s honestly mind blowing 

[Treasur]

Fwiw I think the amount of mind blowing reduces when a mix of two things happen; you stop placing weight or significance to their wants/opinions about anything much at all, and you adjust your expectations of sensible adult to pretty much nil.

You can always be pleasantly surprised if he changes his behaviour, but that rarely seems to be how things unfold sadly.

Where do you feel you have got to with those two things so far?
How much weight/attention are you paying to his words and thoughts right now?
What do you expect of him that he consistently delivers on? Or not?

And above all, how is how it is right now working for you? Given that he has filed, and is continuing to progress the legal end of your marriage as far as you can see, how does the current MO fit your template of how you see life working for you and your kids in a post-divorce life? Bc I’m reading quite a lot in your posts about HIS wants and expectations and boundaries and complaints and challenges….he seems to be pretty clear that the big choices are all his to make, and that you will listen to him when he wants to talk…..but not so much about YOUR’S. What is your mental picture of life as an ex-wife and how your home will run without him given that he chose to leave?

Imho that balance, and those ‘chats’, are how we expose our minds to feeling blown, again and again often. Bc chats involve paying attention to their words and/or perhaps sharing your own needs and feelings with someone who is showing you that they do not place them as much of a priority. Bc after all, if they did, you would not be where you are.  There’s a time when we all see those chats as hopeful or helpful - it takes most of us a few loops around the tree to see that they are at best futile and at worst keep us hooked to someone else’s rollercoaster. And that’s why many of us reach a point where we look to either reduce contact or make a sharp change in the content and form of any contact we have.

I hope this doesn’t sound too blunt, and I apologise if it does. It takes most of us longer than we think usually, and a bit of trial and error with what helps and hinders that. It takes time to adapt to a situation we never imagined and never wanted. But as I’m sure you know, and most LBS find, someone has to be the sane adult who lives in the real world of cause and effect. And it takes longer perhaps if we give the not so sane or adult - and staggeringly self-centred - folks the metaphorical keys to our metaphorical car……Or indeed pick up any responsibility for getting their car that they metaphorically used to drive away valeted lol

[Reinventing]

put some boundaries in place like I’m happy for him to have the children here I make myself scarce but he needs to tidy up after himself - he will feed them but leave all the plates etc on the side for me to put in the dishwasher and I said I’m not a maid and this is not a hotel.. nothing bad was said.

Good job on setting this expectation of responsible adult behavior. They hate that, but it is needed.

and proceeded to tell me that I was giving him $h!te on Wednesday saying that he’s obviously met the new love of his life if he’s considering kids with her etc… so feel this was done as a deliberate game play - how can I think any different when he may be saying all that but his actions are suggesting otherwise! (Which I’ve told him - words and actions are not aligning)

Don't believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. You expect him to put dishes in the dishwasher and so he sends you divorce paperwork? They come up with the most ridiculous blaming for divorce. Who knows? His gf may have pressed him, his lawyer finally got to it, he may have done it as a grandiose gesture to his gf.

Good for keeping up your hobby. I hope it went well even with the drama he injected into that time.

 

I was just starting to get a bit more freedom.

You will get back to this place in time, I hope.

[titleholder]

First of all heads off to you on how you're handling all this and that you went away for the summer with your kids!!

He’s told me I am/was the right person for him, to which I’ve responded with if I was you wouldn’t of felt the need to leave - he said the place where he worked before (with her) ruined his life..? And he would much rather have his old life with us than the one he has now (which is is still choosing)

My gooood! They're all the same.. My xH said to me a couple of weeks ago that the relationship he and I had was super special and that most people in their lifes wouldn't experience a relationship like we had. He also said that he doesn't have this kind of relationship with OW. But despite our 'special bound and relationship' he left and divorced me and is now 2.5 years later still full on with OW. The only thing I can say, don't believe the bull$h!te!

Which I’ve told him - words and actions are not aligning

This after 2,5 years is my mantra, they can say a whole lot but they do the complete opposite.

I think you're doing good Hollie.. Keep setting boundaries and asking for responsible behaviour. Also think of what YOU want and make sure that you get enough rest to keep yourself standing up straight. He seems to be a mastermind in manipulating you to do all the hard work, especially with the kids.

Keep making decisions that benefit you and the childeren and take as much distance as you can from him, especially now he has filed for divorce. He doesn't want to be part of your family anymore so threat him as such.

I wish you all the strength but you can do it Hollie! Keep fighting for you and the kids. I'm 2.5 years past BD and 2 years past divorce, it doest get better. For me the healing started when I started moving forward without him, but I know how incredibly difficult it is!