I was just saying to some Hero's Spouse faves that it's funny how life can be brilliant and painful in tandem. That's a place I find myself now so I thought I might come back and post - which has the added bonus of directing my thoughts ahead of an appt with a new psychologist on Monday. This will be the first time in 4 or 5 years that I have seen a psych and I am going because I want to unpack some attachment stuff and lift the hood a bit. I feel like I have had a few years 'off' of doing any work and it's time to get back. I remember my last psych encouraging me to stop doing work and just live so I guess you can say that I have done that.
I had a quick skim over my last post in April 23 and was surprised (or maybe not) to see that I could cut and post the paragraph about H and add it in here. The slight difference being that I think he has spiralled further. I'll get to that in a minute after I update about the rest of my life.
The kids are excellent. D24 is now a fully qualified pilot with the airline that H and I work for. Last year saw us have some surreal experiences that I can't believe I was lucky enough to have. One of them being the day that D24 first flew for the company. The training prior to that had all been in a simulator. Day 1 is therefore rostered with a senior check and training pilot and there is a safety pilot in the flight deck too to make sure that nothing gets missed. H is one of a handful of such senior pilots so he was the one who could see her fly an aeroplane he has being flying since I was pregnant with her. I was the rostered flight attendant and we bought tickets for D22 and S20 to join us. What a day! Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. The weather was horrendous but she did such a bloody good job and her first landing was a cracker. I had a little bit of trouble keeping the emotions in check but was mindful of how disconcerting it would be for passengers to see their flight attendant in tears. It all made sense when we landed and I told them what they had been a part of. A big round of applause for D24 followed. So incredibly special. We have since flown together 2 more times as an entire crew which is both so normal and so surreal at the same time. I just love ringing through to the flight deck to report that the cabin is secure and hearing "hi darling".
D22 is doing so well in her job with the same company. More importantly, she is really balanced and happy in her life. She is the one that has done the most work by far. This includes taking herself off antidepressants and seeing a naturopath to balance her body so that she doesn't need them. Her boyfriend is such a blessing and is truly an extra son and brother to us all.
S20 is still doing so well in the real estate company he started with last year. He has worked super hard to get his qualifications in record time and has also become the family adviser in all things real estate. He is still as pumped as when he started and I feel like financial rewards are going to start coming in for him in quite a big way. I just went to see him carry out part of an auction for the first time. He will be a licensed auctioneer very soon which will also be quite lucrative. That boy has always been able to sell ice to an eskimo so I am just giddy about watching his success.
My parents.... We got a diagnosis of dementia for mum which was a long hard slog. Things have settled a little bit there now because Dad has worked very hard to register for services to assist them in the future. Mum has also started a medication that seems to have arrested the progression a bit. It's still not a topic we can discuss without upsetting her so we just don't. There's no value in it. Dad has just taken on the job of doing the cooking and high risk tasks but mum is still very hands on with cleaning and maintaining the house. She does an excellent job of this and no one is looking to take this off her or disable her in any other way prematurely.
Little curveball though. Dad has been diagnosed with quite an aggressive cancer. He has started treatment and will commence chemotherapy shortly. The prognosis, if treatment goes well, will be about 3-5 years. Weirdly, he is taking this really well. I say weirdly because prior to him having something serious wrong with him, he REALLY struggled having to look after mum. He has been quite abusive to me over the past year. Almost like, this is not what he signed up for and he was wanting to hand responsibility off to me. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to be him so I have overlooked his approach over and over again. Part of my investigations with the psych will include how I have taken on a parent role with my folks for my whole life and it doesn't look that is going to change anytime soon.
That pattern carries on with H. It seems I have always cared more about his welfare than he has. It's actually exhausting now. It is not lost on me that the 3 humans I gave birth to are all more 'adulty' and dependable as people I can emotionally lean on than the people I should be able to lean on (husband and parents). Like I said - stuff to unpack there.
I am pretty sure H is depressed. He is still medicating with alcohol and its messing with him more and more as time passes. This is hard on a marriage. I think I have confused the meaning of detachment in the past. I thought that by pulling back from conversations and doing my own thing when he is drunk was detaching. It's not really. I still feel worked up about it. I am just worked up and quiet. This also possibly gives the misguided impression that I am ok with his drinking. I have started being a lot more honest about the affect this is having on me. Most of the time I manage to do so when he is sober but there have been a couple of times when I have not managed to do that. Boy is that an interesting discussion. Straight from the alcoholic handbook that is!! H has described this as 'poking the bear'. I said "you do realise that you sound like an abuser who blames the missus because she made him angry enough to punch her". He was aware. The shame is heavy. The pressure from me is ever present and the clock might feel like it is ticking for him. But still, his fear is in control and he is still negotiating with the devil (alcohol). I am not however.
Fortunately, he feels rock solid on the relationship front. He keeps confirming this also. He is less comfortable with the fact that you can be both very happy and also very sad at the same time. I feel like he holds back telling me how sad he is because he thinks I will panic. I have started introducing the idea that I think he is depressed this week. I thank god for D22 because if she hadn't shown that there could be a non-medical way out of that, he would rather die of it than admit that to a Dr for fear of losing his pilot's licence.
The kids are very concerned about him too but have not raised this with him. They haven't really had the time or opportunity. I think it would have a powerful impact if they did though and it would be interesting to see what happens when the threat of his relationship ending is not the filter through which he hears it. This is what I think might be in the way when we talk.
So yeah, that's me and mine. Bloody brilliant but sad and heavy too
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New chapter please