[UrsaMajor]

Hi am,

Nice to "read" you again. You are sounding really good and it sounds like you have your life firmly in your hands now while MLCH is still twisting int he wind....

Seems that MLCH is wallowing his time away, eh?

Not too original that he uses the same Bomb Drop Speech on DIL that he used on you..... Just proves how little (I guess) he has actually done his own work, huh?

8+ years and counting there.... 

[FaithWalker]

Hey Sam!  I think of you all from time to time but also get shocked when I log in and see how much time has flown by since I've last checked in.

Thanks for the update!  I feel bad for your DIL and S that have to put up with him being down on her, same as BD with you.  What a maroon! (yes I purposefully misspelled that, lol)

[Sam I Am]

Once again...TIME has gotten away from me.   What used to be a 4 letter word......now I don't have enough of it.

So what is up?

7 years has passed!  My Bomb A Versary was 10.29.24 and it was just another day.   There is no sadness.   I can think back to bomb drop and remember but there is no pain at all.  No tears....just nothing!

What I do think about each anniversary is how far I have come.   What have I done.  Where I am today and where I want to go to in the future!  Even more special is some of the friendships and bonds I have made over TIME!

I keep moving forward.  I no longer have hopes and dreams of him returning.   I has accepted that he is gone for good and I am ok with that.  That is his choice.

Where is he at? I don't know where he is in his MLC.  I just know he is still in it.   Somedays he seems normal.  Somedays he vanishes.  Somedays he calls.  Somedays he is totally silent.  Somedays he seems happy.  Somedays he is very sullen.   He is just all over the place.

He is still secretive but there are times he shares what he is doing or thinking.  Just small tidbits.

When he does reach out...it is always with a purpose.  Usually it starts with something related to pickleball or the kids.

I think in my last post, I stated that he and my son had a severed relationship.   Neither tried to repair it until his father died in August.  At that time, my son came for a visit and he reached out to his father.  They met and had a heated discussion.   Long story short....H claimed to not remember some of the things he said and did say, IF I said that, I should not have said that but never apologized for saying it.  He also told son that he was prepared to never reach out to him and it was good that SON made the first move.   H still feels that he did no wrong.  Son is the one that cut communication and it was up to him to start it back up again....and if son hadn't....H was never going to take the first step to clear the air.  Let's just say that went over like a fart in church!

Son is now civil and will return texts...just not promptly.   Ditto with calls but he keeps them very short.  Both son and wife told him they are son keeping his secrets and they will not be put in the middle ever again between him and I.

They both admitted to me that he never asked them to keep the secrets but he flaunted the things he was doing and the women he was seeing to them.   They felt pressure to not tell me.   They both said...ask us anything....we will tell you the truth.

I told them....I never asked you anything before and I won't do it now.  If I really want to know...I'll ask him.  It is not their story to tell or for me to put them in that place either.

So their relationship is not fixed and son says that his Dad has a chance and chose not to apologize or to try to fix it.   H can pretend all is well but son says it will never be the same.   My heart breaks for son!

Thus far, there are no signs of H trying to fix anything with anyone.   His go to is still his sister and that relationship just keeps getting odder and odder.

Father died in August.   Mother died in October.   H and sister got drunk together....and she is still keeping his secrets and seeing that others think he walks on water.  Sister even told son's wife that son needs to step up and talk to his father and make things right.    Now there is tension between Aunt and nephew now.   Wow!   Keep your nose out of it.   

So the drama continues for him.

Me....I just keep my relationships going with both kids!   I love them both and want what is best for both of them!  I even support them having a relationship with HIM....he is the one that just doesn't seem to want it.   His loss!

That is the recap in a nutshell.
I am still playing pickleball.  Hanging with family and friends and playing with my dogs.   Throw in work and I have a full plate and one that is very satisfying!

Sorry for how long I was gone!   Can't promise when I will be back!

Wishing you all the best!

Sam

So strange

[UrsaMajor]

Just goes to prove the old adage of Mid-Lifers......

"No matter how far you run or how fast you run, in the end, there you are....  You can't outrun yourself and your own demons.... "

You know, sort of like trying to outrun the cops.... You can outrun Ford, Dodge, or Chevrolet (cars) but you can not outrun Motorola (radio) ....

Good to hear you are doing well Sam!

[Sam I Am]

UM - So true!  He is not the gingerbread man!  He can't outrun this!   But he sure is trying!

Wanted to share some developments with H.  Mostly issues he is bringing on himself.

Son called to tell me he is felling left out of the family.   He shared a lot.   He was upset.  I let him vent.   I not only heard him but I listened to him.  He had some valid points.  He has some feelings based on assumptions.  Bottom line....he was looking to turn his back on the family but didn't really want to do that so he was addressing me and his father each individually and giving us the opportunity to try to be more in tune with him.   FYI:  Son has lived 3 plus hours away for the last 8 years.  Not convenient to visit because he lives in a 1 bedroom.   He has slowly distanced himself...some by choice.  Some because of his practice schedule.   Either way....he wants to feel close again and be more involved even though it must be done from a distance.

So we had a good convo.  I told him I want to work on it with him and together we can do it.

Then he called his father.   Two mins later he called me back to tell me he is blocking his father and will never have anything to do with him.  Told him he told him he was going to die alone because of the way he is acting!  Ouch but possibly true!

He was on a rampage.   I listened to him for about a minute.   Then he said....I won't ever pick sides.  I told him I don't expect him too and I hope with time that he and his father can work things out.

Then H calls me while I am listening to son.   When I called him back he asked me when I last spoke with son.   Told him minutes ago and that we had a good convo about how he is feeling about things.

H told me that son started to tell him about his feelings and H started to spout back at him.    This is when it escalated.  H wanted to have his say and didn't want to listen to son.   Right or wrong in his thoughts and feelings....son just wanted to have someone listen to him about how he is feeling left out.

Anyhow....they escalated.   Son said some nasty things and hung up on him.   I told H that he just needed to listen and give him a chance to vent.  H wanted to know when it was his turn to vent.   I told him....not now.  Son was calling to share.  Let him share and discuss....don't make it about you.

I came right out and asked H what he wanted in the future with son. H replied he wants a relationship.  I told him that after tonight....it is going to have to be him that mans up and reaches out to son to make it right.  He clammed up and didn't say another word.  He terminated the convo by saying he would see me tomorrow. 

The next day we had the Celebration of Life for his parents who both passed in the last few months.   He was supposed to sit up front with his brother and sister.   She had all her family sitting there too.    Me and my daughter were left sitting elsewhere.  We were ok with that.  My son wasn't there because this was the only weekend this month that he couldn't travel and this was the weekend they chose to have the rememberance.  He was deeply hurt that his father didn't fight to have it another weekend so he could attend.   That also added animosity to the situation.    At the service, a friend from the pickleball community came in.  I offered to let him sit with us since he came alone.   We sat there chatting then H came over to chat.  When the service was starting H said he would sit with us.   Friend offered to slide down so he could sit with him and he came made the friend move.  It was so weird.   We could of all moved and he had the end seat....instead, he had friend move from the middle of the row of seats and H crawled over people to get to the seat.

I am very neutral with all of this.  My heart breaks for son but I know he wants this and I am glad he sees the distance that has been created.  Not pointing blame on anyone.  Just looking to close the gap!

My heart does not break for H.    He was like a child.  I might have rolled my eyes a few times.   He needs to figure out how to fix this if he ever wants a relationship.   This is all on him.  I'll listen to him but I will not be the go between.   I want to be Switzerland!   

[UrsaMajor]

No words required....



At least S seems to be coming around in a way. I am about 14 hours by plane from my mom so I can understand the distance thing, (not to mention her infatuation with QAnon Conspiracy Theories   ) so I can sympathize...

[FaithWalker]

So good to read an update.  Your MLCer seems to still have, as UM often says, his head up his.... fog.  I'm sorry that your S seems to be feeling the fallout and the disordered the most right now.

[Sam I Am]

Faith:  Hope all is well with you.   I really need to take some time to update myself with your story and several others as well.

I am so out of touch with so many!

[Sam I Am]

Not much to update:

H and S/DIL are still not talking.   The longer it goes, the more bitter S/DIL become.   S is pretty much shut down when it comes to his father.   No acknowledgement of him at all.  In a few short months, S/DIL are moving cross country for the next part of their lives/careers.   H will not be welcome to go to visit them.  S has been very open that if H can't apologize now, when the physical distance happens, he will most definitely not be welcome.   S/DIL are settling down in an area that is a vacation destination and they refuse to be used as a place to visit then when people can't come to see them now.

I had surgery a week ago.  I never told H because he never asked about any of my Dr appt or my test results.   I didn't hide it.  It was on the family calendar.   About a week before my surgery, he noticed the date and activity and confronted me about it.   I just told him Yes, I need to have surgery and  I answered his questions.

The day of surgery, he was in touch with D who was getting updates.   D let me know that he kept calling and also kept saying, I had no idea she was having surgery.  No one told me.     All I could hear was a baby bawling.   Get over it.  You can pay attention to other people lives if you choose to.   

Following surgery, he did step up and help watch OUR one dog.    I also have a dog of my own that I rescued last year.    I took care of her and he took our dog.  It was very much a blessing to only have to worry about the one dog while I was recovering.

H is calling more often.  However, the convos are always the same.

Talk about pickleball
Talk about the grandkids
Talk about his work for the day and his work assignment.
Talk about the weather.

Always the same.  Then the convo ends and we repeat it a few days later.

He does seem slightly less angry when S is brought up.   Almost like he resigned himself to the fact that the relationship is lost.   No anger if S is talked about but also no motivation to make things right.

That is about all that is happening with MLC H as far as I know.

As for me......I am happy!   I am healthy again!   I love life!   

Hope you all have a great Spring!

[beyondblessed]

Nice to hear that you are doing well and recovering from your surgery.  Of course, the immediate thing that jumps out to me is that his reaction to your situation was made all about him, and how no one told him.  Still mind boggling, that as an adult, he still seems to believe everyone is responsible for keeping him briefed and informed, while making no efforts , as you say, to pay attention to someone other than himself. 

Also, just as mind boggling, that he seems to outright refuse to make things right with your S out of sheer stubbornness, even so far as to risk permanent severance of their R.  The things these people choose to do are still so inconceivable to me.   I hope he is smart enough to make amends before your S and DIL make their move, but that's his choice, in the end.