[tinnat]

I just thought I would pop in and post my thoughts about my MLC ex-husband, 4 years after we separated.

A brief history: my husband and I had a very good marriage, with its ups and downs as always, but basically good. We agreed on almost everything, the intimacy had dwindled.  Having 2 kids, one of whom was very difficult, did that to us.

Fast-forward to Dec 2017, he announces he has a depression, spends a year very depressed. Moves out to live in a rented room "temporarily". Meanwhile I find out that he has a lover (since September 2017) and I was shocked because I thought he was to upstanding of a man to do that, and because I had asked him a couple of times and both times he looked straight into my eyes and denied it.

I kept on trying to make us work, for 3 years. Finally filed for divorce, after he moved the AP to live with him, even though he knew that he didn´t want it. In fact he got her to move out a couple of months later.   

Some months later he starts dating a woman 10 years his junior, well educated apparently, but honestly looks like a blow-up doll.  They have been living together for a couple of years.  My daughter and she do not get along (she has no kids of her own and is extremely, but extremely jealous of my ex-husband).    This, coupled with the fact that my ex husband seems to have put our kids firmly in second place, not to say forgotten them for some time, caused a lot of friction between me and him. For me, family is sacred.   I asked many times to meet her (I would be really nice to her), but no, he said it would be awkward.  Neither has she met some of his closest friends.

I have also moved on, and I´m in a beautiful and loving relationship with a widower.  Smooth sailing, I never knew relationships like this existed.

A few months ago I told my ex husband that I would be leaving the country. He was stunned, but supportive.  In fact he´s helping me find a new job.   

We are now in the process of selling our house, and he has spent a lot of time in the house, doing it up.  I have noticed a big change in him.  Dare I say that he is back to being the nice guy I knew. I sense that his draw to me is strong, even though it is not reciprocated by me (I swear that even if he were the last man on earth there is no way I would ever want to live with him or share a bed with him ever again).     I suppose he has realised that with me as a partner I did not cause him half the anguish that his very jealous girlfriend does. And working in the house together was, as before, seamless.

All of this to say that it suddenly dawned on me that his MLC might be coming to an end.  I thought his character had changed forever, but I realised that I am seeing the old him again. 

Do I regret the separation and divorce? Absolutely not. I have grown so much, met a loving man, moved on to new chapters of my life. 

Oh, and the most interesting thing of all: I asked him to please consider making a will because I was afraid that if something happens my kids would be fighting over the inheritance with his girlfriend.  He came back to me a few weeks later (last week) and full of emotion told me that he will make a will and has decided to leave some of his assets to me because ¨it was with you that I arrived in my career to where I am now". Nothing to his girlfriend because she contributed nothing.  I was touched. 

There is no moral to this story. Just a journey of one ex-spouse of an MLC man.

[amazinglove]

Thank you so much for sharing that! That is really helpful to me. I am like 2 years in the process - BD was just around 1.5 years ago - and one of my biggest fears is that this version of him is permanent. He was once a really good man, but now he is so selfish to the point of seeming mentally ill. And he is a depressed, grouchy person and a terrible father most of the time. He also blames me for most of his own failings and can't take real ownership of damage he's caused me and the kids - or even acknowledge it. I feel like I am parenting my kids entirely alone and I have this angry teenager judging me in the background too.
The idea that years from now, I could find a partner who was a good, kind man who cherished me and wanted to be here with me and the kids and also that my STBX H would be kinder and a decent part time father to our children (and put them first) is like, just beyond my wildest imaginings right now.
It's so good to hear that that is your story! Thank you again for sharing.

[Baxter1]

Thank you for sharing your story. We’re also two years in and I see parts of her slowly coming back. We are separated and she filed but I feel she’s confused and unsure if this is what she wants.
I don’t know if I have another 5 years in me but I gave this 6 months when I started so who knows. Good luck in your move and good luck with your new relationship.

[Imokay]

Thank you so much for sharing! Your story sounds similar to mine. I'm a little over four years in and still dealing very much with monster,  hatred, and all kinds of terrible things but it’s helpful to know that maybe, just maybe, some resemblance of the person I used to know may come back.  Like you, I’m  moving on in my life without him but it’s nice to hear the person that I have two wonderful children with may return to being a normal human and some level of normality could return!

[KayDee]

Thank you so much for coming back and sharing your journey tinnat – it’s a bittersweet one and from what I’ve learned over the last couple of years, probably quite a common outcome.

Dare I say that he is back to being the nice guy I knew. I sense that his draw to me is strong, even though it is not reciprocated by me (I swear that even if he were the last man on earth there is no way I would ever want to live with him or share a bed with him ever again).     I suppose he has realised that with me as a partner I did not cause him half the anguish that his very jealous girlfriend does. And working in the house together was, as before, seamless.

I think for, most of us, in the early days, this was unthinkable, but slowly, as OUR fog lifts, we see, in glorious technicolor, all the damage. There is so much damage and it can’t be undone. So much you cannot unsee. I am at a point where I can hold the two facts of MLC in my head without getting on the hamster wheel. My stxH had some sort of breakdown. My stxH  threw me and extended family under the bus. Both are true and I can hold both in my mind without being stuck on the wheel - cycling between worry for him (excusing) and anger for myself. His responses are his. His response to depression, like your xH, were the actions of a man who did not fully mature, someone not fully whole. And, from this vantage point, I see much more clearly how dependent he was on me to ‘complete’ him. And this is why the OW/OM is such an omnipresent part of the story. The typical candidate for MLC cannot be alone.

I have long thought that, for some of us, the second wave of grief, the bargaining stage, is us attempting to stand for our marriage, in the wasteland and rubble that is has become. Holding onto the idea of what was, that love can conquer all. But, of course, all the ingredients change.  And usually, us, the non-crisis spouse, see this way before the MLC is even on their proverbial journey.

I am 2.7 years into this, a mere babe  Not unsurprising then that my stxH has not done one kind thing during this time. So it truly makes me happy that your xH has done an act of kindness for you and the kids with his will. And happy for him too. Maybe it is the start of some healing for him. Perhaps you will be able to rebuild a more equal friendship with him in the future.

[MadLuv]

Jumping on the thank you and happy to hear train also. You know, when the dust settles and we can see it all as clearly as possible I think that is a biggest hope. For me I no longer need answers or apologies , but it would be really nice to see the man I thought existed. It would be settling for the souls of all those who invested in him and loved him.

 If you followed MLC writings on hearts blessings and others it talks a lot about the OW or OM and as long as they are in the picture they are still not out of MLC. How I see that now is that the weak MLCer mirrors that OW/OM so it makes sense why they are not themselves. My move kind XH is now shallow, rude, non empathetic and a vanisher, even to his kids. Enabled by an OW who wants him to forget his life before him, which includes his own kids and grandkids. When they say they affair down they truly do.

 I don’t see they can ignore that forever and once their fog clears and they see the OW/OM as enablers that truly don’t care about them the right way it will start to open their eyes if they are strong enough for it to. I am not sure my XH will ever be strong enough for that, but we can hope that all MLCers see the light. Who wants to run from themselves forever. Thank you and continue to update!!!