[MadLuv]

I think for me I realized that those little things they focus on also happened for us. Thats a marriage. When he did things I said something, when I did he held it in and harbored resentment. I was blown away by the things he brought up. They were ridiculous and believe me, I did tell him that it was his job to voice these as they happened. They grab on to anything for justification

[barbiedoll]

When he did things I said something, when I did he held it in and harbored resentment. I was blown away by the things he brought up. They were ridiculous and believe me, I did tell him that it was his job to voice these as they happened. They grab on to anything for justification

.

Yes. This is what my H also did . He was always "fine" ...even when he should not have been. Even when his body language clearly indicated he was far FAR from fine.  I remember him having an argument with a very saucy teenage daughter . He was talking to her on the phone .  She was most certainly disrespectful and defiant . He was so furious that he actually smashed a steel yardstick across his desk and broke it. It was shocking ...he never did it before and never did anything like that again. When I went into see what the hell happened , I asked him " What in the world did she say to make you that mad?" . He was purple with rage and sweating..but says to me " what are you talking about ??   I am not mad!".  No matter what I asked him he denied any issue whatsoever and why " am I always looking for a problem?" , he asked me.  I have repeated that story 100 times to therapists as it was a profound moment for me ...that I realized something was actually "wrong" with him. He could not identify an emotion ....it still bothers me.  So you can imagine all the times he was "fine"...he was never fine. He harboured , stored, hid , denied such a huge pile of resentments its no wonder he exploded .  This is what avoidants do. However in my case there is still more than just being avoidant , he truly has deeper issues regarding emotional development etc etc ( I could write a book on that subject) .  During one "monstering" outburst he stared to tell me some huge issue that he had with me 28 years ago!!!!!! . Not even kidding, and in fact it was BEFORE we were married. I remember laughing and saying "the statute  of limitations has expired "  and left the room.  So I never actually got to hear that "issue".   Its always good to truly know that none of it has anything to do with me and never did..not even for 1 second.

[WHY]

I think it’s actually conflict avoidance personality vs avoidant attachment style.

All these MLCers appear to have conflict avoidance for some reason. 

[barbiedoll]

Yes, I do agree with Why. I have seen/read this over and over again and it shows up as a characteristic of MLC'er over and over again. Its actually shocking how common it is.  Avoidant attachment and/or conflict avoidant personality is born from early life damage/abuse  and is a result of unresolved trauma. It really is so terribly sad in many ways. Thank you Why.   It certainly does contribute to Bomb Drops.

[MadLuv]

Yes, my XH mother was an “everything is perfect” she did not allow them to show any issues. I remember after my daughter died and then FIL 3 mths later we were sitting around telling stories of my FIL. I can’t remember the story that I told, but my XH aunt said, what? They aren’t perfect??? Thank you for sharing that. I always thought wow my brothers family is perfect. I felt like a terrible mother because my lids weren't. My XH has many issues. So many, but an avoidant is his biggest issue in my opinion. Without being able to address your emotions and issues that alone creates a slew of other issues.

[KayDee]

There is a distinction between Avoidant Attachment style, which is basically a personality built on extreme self-reliance and a conflict avoidant personality. It is unlikely that a co-dependent person is an Avoidant Attachment personality, these people have great difficulty letting others in, and letting others help them. Preoccupied/anxious attachment style - these are the people pleasers. They are always looking to ensure there is no conflict, because one way or another, they grew up in a context where conflict and anger were destructive and dangerous. Either they experienced it first hand or this was the family lore - that anger was bad and needed to be suppressed (likely intergenerational).  I used to work with a guy who was classic pre-occupied (narcissistic mother extreme) and he would physically shake if he sensed conflict, even between other people. He'd go out of his way to disrupt any conflict building - joking around, changing the subject, whatever diffused the situation. And he was extremely avoidant too. Trying to be all things to all wo/man and couldn't stand to be the bad guy.

Fixers are more likely on the Avoidant Attachment spectrum - self-reliance and all.

[WHY]

That’s what I said above.  Our MLCers are nearly all conflict avoidant personalities.  Uncanny how common this is. 

They develop this blueprint growing up which somehow no longer works in midlife. 

[KayDee]

Was building on what you said Why making the distinction between Avoidant Attachment and conflict avoidant. Not sure if it's uncanny or inevitable, sadly.

[xyzcf]

Preoccupied/anxious attachment style - these are the people pleasers. They are always looking to ensure there is no conflict, because one way or another, they grew up in a context where conflict and anger were destructive and dangerous. Either they experienced it first hand or this was the family lore - that anger was bad and needed to be suppressed (likely intergenerational)

This is who he is, who he has always been. The stiff upper lip is rewarded, showing emotions or “ passion” is looked down on.

His reason for leaving “ xyzcf, you are too intense and you talk too much”… he remains like this, a block of ice, unable to “ feel” much.

My childhood family life was vastly different. Lots of “ yelling” in my house, anger expressed but also joy and laughter and celebration.  I feel things deeply, he used to say “ xyzcf, you live life with an an exclamation mark “ …….at times I felt “ bad” that I am passionate, emotional, that things matter deeply…he made me feel that way and I need not ever feel wrong for feeling.

[OffRoad]

My childhood family life was vastly different. Lots of “ yelling” in my house, anger expressed but also joy and laughter and celebration.  I feel things deeply, he used to say “ xyzcf, you live life with an an exclamation mark “ …….at times I felt “ bad” that I am passionate, emotional, that things matter deeply…he made me feel that way and I need not ever feel wrong for feeling.

I hear this. We weren't given just "happy" as the only emotion, we were given a whole spectrum of emotions. They should be experienced and allowed to wash through and over. Learning how to deal with all that one feels in a lifetime is important. That is the other interesting thing, conflict avoident,  sure. But so many just lose their emotional marbles. It's like there is a limit to how long they can hold it all in, and then it's overload and shutdown, or overload and go to pieces.