[limitless]

Hello to all,

There are so many new and different names/authors on this site, that I do not know very many of you.  Although, I can say that I am very familiar with the subject(s) that you journal.  Most of the time, this topic (MLC) seems like a distant memory....and at other times - it feels like just yesterday.  If you are at the beginning of this craziness....follow the sound advice that you receive on this site.  Protect yourself - physically, financially, mentally.  Protect your children. 

I joined this "club" back in 2010 - and I posted very religiously on all the drama that was my life.  On those days (and long sleepless nights) I searched through all the posts here...looking for hope - hope in reconciliation, hope for getting my life back to "normal" - or just hope.  And I promised myself that, regardless of the outcome of my story - I would come back and share what had occurred.  I used to think (hope) that many of the people who disappeared off this site had reconciled and did not post as they no longer wanted to be reminded of this sad chapter of their lives.  While it is possible that for some there was reconciliation - but for others (most?) that didn't happen.  Without the actual information - one can only speculate.

Well, my story is well documented here - and the short version is summed up at the bottom of my post (although I should update it - as more time has passed). 

My Ex - left back in 2010 and now, 14 years later, he has been re-married for almost 5 years, to his first wife and, later, affair partner.  My children are all grown and on their own.  I live alone - with my cat.  (Yes, I am a single cat lady).....

While I was on vacation last week, I was contacted by my eldest daughter (34 years).  She had been contacted by her father's wife - who wanted to meet up with her within the week.  This was a very strange request - as my adult children only see their father a few times a year - and it is during those times that they see his wife.  My daughters (and son) have never met up with their father's wife alone.  So, my daughter was concerned by this request.  My Ex's wife insisted on meeting with my daughter - and they settled on a face time call that very same day.  After the call, my daughter contacted me to talk to me about the conversation she had had with Ex's wife.

Apparently, my Ex hasn't changed a bit.  It seems that he is repeating the same mistakes that he did while married to me.  His wife was shocked and devastated to find that he had hidden a great deal of debt from her.  I had experienced this same issue - a few times during our 30 year marriage.  At the time, he told me that I was a very difficult person to be honest with.  In fact, my Ex had claimed that he could be honest with just about everyone BUT me.  So, he hid many things from me - mostly in regards to his addictive behaviors and the results of these behaviors.  I spent much effort, time and $$ bailing him out of these type of messes.  This is one of the many things that I do not miss about our marriage.  I always had a sinking feeling in my gut that there was something happening that I had no idea of - and that something would rear its ugly head at any time. 

Well, apparently, his new wife is also someone that he cannot be honest with.  Huh.....Really?  I thought it was just me?  This time - his debt is significantly higher and the hole is significantly deeper. 

His wife is devastated.  She is fearful that she has liability for the debt.  They live in the house that she owns - so she has assets to protect.  She informed my daughter that she had kicked him out of her home and she was in the process of filing for divorce.  During their conversation - my daughter shared with her that this was a repeat of things he had done during our marriage.  His wife was surprised to hear of this....surprisingly enough he had never shared that information with her!  Imagine that!

I really don't know what she expected or wanted from my daughter.  It seems that she wanted to informed his adult kids - as he would need moral support and she would not be able to provide that support.

As I listened to my daughter - all I could think was - there, but for the grace of God......go I.

I felt thankful (and not for the first time) that he left me back in 2010.

I even felt sadness and empathy for his current wife - as I had been in those shoes...and I know that it doesn't feel very good to find that your partner has lied to you and financially devastated your marriage.

I even feel bad for him.  All his life he has used addictions to mask what ever it is that ails him.  And, along the way, he has managed to blame everyone (but himself) for the ills that he has experienced.  Or, he would chalk it up to a family "curse" that seemed to follow him wherever he went.  It was so much easier to remain blameless....If it wasn't his fault - it wasn't HIS to fix, right?

I read so much about MLC, back in the day.  Trying to figure out what lead him to that place - back in 2010.  What could "fix" him?  Would he be able to make it through his MLC and come out the other end - a better man?  All of that was truly a waste of precious time.  Whatever ails him is much more than an MLC and whatever it is - it continues to consume him and destroy any relationships he has. 

As a good friend advised me - not my circus, not my monkeys.  If not for our children - I would have zero knowledge of what happens in his life.  None of this concerns or affects me...but it does affect our kids.  My main concern - is that our adult children NOT take on his burden.  He is their father - he always will be.  But, they can't fix him and they can't bail him out.  His parents are deceased - they cannot bail him out anymore.  Maybe - at 71 - he is finally going to have to stand on his own.  Maybe that will be the catalyst for him to clean up his life....Or maybe not.  Who knows?

If you do not learn from mistakes - you continue to make the same mistakes - over and over again. 

So, after 14 plus years - some things never change.  But, some things do.

I am free of all that - and I am very thankful.  For me...life is good.  Sometimes - the things that you wish for - really aren't the best things for you.  I used to wish that we could be a family again...that he was back.  Well, we are still a family - without him.   I am safer, without him.  I am actually happier without him. 

Hugs to all,

L

[Reinventing]

Limitless, good to hear from you! I am so glad to hear you are doing well. I also hope he doesn't try and emesh the children in his debt problems since his current wife doesn't appear to be willing to pay it.

I also hope that he faces the underlying reasons of his addiction and resulting debt, even at this later time in life.

Thanks again for your update.

[Treasur]

Thank you for coming back to update, Limitless. I’m sure that it will be helpful to some folks here to read your latest update, if only as a reminder that it was never about you. And good to hear that you and your own family are doing well.

[Trustandlove]

Hello, L,

Nice to hear from you! I know what you mean -- I, too, always promised to write later with an update; at the time I was of course hoping that it would have been one of reconciliation, of us being a together family again, all that.  I now laugh at myself when I titled my first thread, back in 2010, as "somewhere in the middle".

I still read here quite a bit, there is so much that is useful not only when dealing with MLCers, but when dealing with so many difficult situations.  We as LBS definitely acquire transferable skills!

I, too, can say that whatever the MLCer is going through, it's nothing to do with us.  My former H held the record I believe for the number of OWs; he married the 6th one; I learned earlier this year that he is no longer with that woman (no idea of the legal status), and that he is already seeing someone else.  So that lasted 6 years, I think.  I have absolutely no idea of the circumstances; a friend did a bit of social media sleuthing and found that the OW (who apparently is one of those people who posts everything on social media) was posting about "surviving", but beyond that I know nothing. 

My now adult children, who no longer really remember him being at home with us, don't have much of a relationship with him, and never met the woman he married.  He tried to force one son to do so, but gave up.  Two out of three children gave up seeing him completely a while ago, the third still has the occasional dinner, but learns nothing about what he is doing, where he lives (we honestly don't know), or anything else.  I found out through a mutual acquaintance that he was no longer with the woman he married, and saw a picture on someone else's social media of a new gf. 

I haven't seen him in person for over 7 years; once or twice a year a picture pops up on social media -- it did the other day, actually, and I was shocked at what he looked like.  It was so far from the person I knew, or thought I knew, not healthy or well at all. 

From what one S told me about one of their meetings he is still blaming me and not really looking at himself at all.  At this point I truly can see that his lifestyle is his own choice; he has, for example, texted one of the boys who won't see him s to say that "both our lives would be better" if they met, but shows absolutely no interest in what any of them are doing, somehow still trying to make it someone else's fault.

Am I better off without him?  Probably, in the sense that he might well have dragged all of us down with him.  I am sad for what could have been, but my life, with all its normal ups and downs, is good.  I am very close to my children, who unfortunately still do feel the effects of what he did and in some ways continues to do to them. 

I'm glad you're doing well, I also have a cat (we recently had to say goodbye to one of ours...) and laugh about being a cat lady -- but one son still lives with me, so we're a cat family

Thanks for coming to update!

[marvin4242]

Thank you for the update and perspective. I remember reading your story and many posts in my very early days and always found wisdom. Sadly it’s not surprising that your ex is simply repeating the same.

Say hi to the cat(s).

[titleholder]

Hi Limitless! Thank you so much for updating! I think it's so important to have stories many years after BD, so thank you for updating!

I think in the hope that lives in a lot of people for reconciliation there lives a story that most MLC'ers come back and that with focus on rebuilding they don't share their story. Now 2,5 years after my own BD I remember holding on to that hope so well.. I'm afraid that most of stories are filled with what you're telling today.. A MLC'er who continues on what he's been doing and not really changing. I agree that the silver lining in all of this is; this was never about us! Doesn't make it less sad or hard, but nobody but themself can save the MLC'er, no OW, no different live will 'save' them.

It makes me happy to read that you feel free and happy! I wish you all the best!

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Limitless,

I remember reading your stories too about OW#<x> and thinking "The boy just can't keep his pecker in his pants, can he?" but the whole debt thing is just another layer of the MLC Cake. Glad to hear that you are doing well and are moving right along, even as a single cat lady (better than the alternative of being back with xH, right?).

UM

[xyzcf]

Hi Limitless,

Thanks for the update and it's so important for newbies to hear, we pull ourselves out of the pain and go on to build a life that allows us to be open to the world and all that it holds for us....and yes, as others have expressed, this was never about us.

I recall that your exh tried to justify marrying wife#1 because of his Catholic beliefs...am I correct?  So now he's divorced 3 times....

I don't feel sad for the wife, although I suppose they tell their own story about why our marriage ended based on their convoluted truth....I do hope your kids will be ok....for he still is their dad and if he is destitute that could be difficult for them...not to try and help him.

Life is good here...no cats or dogs at present as I travel a bunch and it's too hard to find someone to pet sit...well I had some bad experiences with my last dog sitters...and I am free to go where ever I wish without trying needing to find a sitter...but I do miss having a pet.

Always good to hear from you and to see pictures on social media...we survive and we thrive!

[MadLuv]

I also went back and read your story years ago when I first joined. My MLCer is also still repeating history and I agree that their in many cases a larger issue with these MLCers. My XH has been fortunate to have quite a but of money, but he is spending it like he isn’t going to live tomorrow. Just financial irresponsible at it’s finest. Their hanging on whether heavily or lightly and than lying about that to their OW or OWife also shows you where they are. The kids are the biggest  hurt of all and also they leave us to deal with that hurt.

You do come to a place where you can see it all and you appreciate the calm and peace. I am a dog mom and my eldest son lives with me. I’m also perfectly fine. Thank you limitless. Keep coming back. It is just so very interesting to see how things play out. Always!

[Ready2Transform]

Limitless!! So glad you are in the clear away from this drama. I am perhaps a little cynical that the OW had good intentions in contacting your daughter. On the contrary, I see it as her controlling the narrative. Get a few jabs in on him and disparage him to the kids before he can tell them his side (or even knows what is happening). Leopards don't change their spots, and I remember this chick fueling the drama early on, too. Though nothing will ever beat your stories of your xH trying to throw parties at his parents' house or mock high school reunion-type things. Such a literal replay! Good for you and the kids though. I hope they stay out of the way.