[KayDee]

Gosh, 5 years of lying and putting your health at risk too. Sorry, I don't meant to stir that pot, but it's pretty extreme. People in this type of crisis are pretty extreme, I often wonder how much of it is a form of self-sabotage or self harm. My H does one $h!tety thing after another and still wheels out the poor-me vibe. I sometimes wonder if my ignoring him makes him crank up the volume more. But then, it's not about me, so probably not. Did you get to the point of being done? I'm only 18 months in and I feel pretty cooked (certainly browned off to nearly burnt). I feel now like I don't even like my H. Perhaps this is a rhetorical question, as we are all in different situations of course.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. They are so valuable and you are the embodiment of patience and forgiveness. I hope your H knows how lucky he is.

[9393roo]

I was "done" many many times.  My H also threw himself so many pity parties which I learned to walk away from.  We have a garage apartment and my H went there a few times, he also went to our guest room for months at a time.  I arranged my finances and protected what was mine.  (I still have an account open that he cannot touch)  I consulted a lawyer as well.  I worked very hard at detaching and started to live a life where he was on periphery.   I focused on our D and tried to stay off of his roller coaster as much as possible, he was a master at trying to pull me back on. It was after he ended his affair that I thought it was safe to be intimate with him again.  He was in therapy and doing some work to straighten himself out.  Am I glad I got HPV?  NO, but it did force him into really starting to face the truths of what he did and it did validate what I really knew all along. (I am HPV negative now)  I got away as much as I could, spent a lot of time with my sisters and parents and focused on getting my D through High School and off to college.  I have deeper stronger relationships because of this.

This has changed me for sure.  I am so much less codependent and needy.  I still am working on what is mine to fix and what is his.  I crave alone time.  I really like me now, this person I have become as a result of what I went through.  My family and friends notice and my H does as well. 

My H and I have been together a very long time.  We met at 20 and now are 58.  Our relationship is now totally changing.  We have no kids at home and are choosing to stay together and really work on this.  When he first came back towards me with honest intentions he did not realize how much I had changed and grown.  This has been difficult for him to accept sometimes.  We disagree more than we ever have, but its healthy disagreements.  We do love each other and our family and are choosing a path towards healing together.  Trying to focus on the future and what is going to work for both of us. 

Looking back is sometimes very very painful and if I get stuck there it can really be damaging.  My focus right now is Radical Acceptance and am working with a therapist on this. 

My H is still fighting the demons of alcohol and work.  I know he loves me and often tells me how lucky he is that I am still here.  It's all a work in process, but I am determined not to stop living while I wait for him to catch up. 

[KayDee]

Thank you so much Roo. Glad that you are healthy and that your H knows how blessed he is. Here's to the Work in Progress, may it continue to progress!

[UrsaMajor]

Good question KayDee, how much time do you have for me to answer it?   

<Snort!>  That could have been one of MY comebacks!

Hope that answered your question!  Only believe what they do, what they say is 95% a lie.  At least it was in my case.

I'll go one further and say believe NONE of what you hear and only 50% of what you see until the behaviour becomes consistent...

How do you know when a Mid-Lifer is lying? Their lips are moving...

[FaithWalker]

Roo, so nice to read an update.  It's a long road but you are traveling it well.