[Treasur]

I want to nip in and just say something about you having filed. As you say, it’s done but it may be worth talking to your lawyer about suggestions for any ways that you can reduce the bill if your h turns out to be unreasonable in his responses. Lawyers call it a ‘high conflict’ divorce (basicallly dealing with one party who behaves a bit bonkers, ignores paperwork, doesn’t provide info etc etc….) and it’s not unknown here with MLC types. My xh filed and then slowed down his own divorce by some rather bonkers behaviour. It makes no sense, I know, but that MLC combo of teenage entitlement and avoidance seems to take some down that path which of course makes things even harder than they need to be from your pov.

But sometimes money is worth the price too….
Lots of folks here who did not file got financially screwed or had custody problems bc MLCers tend to get more unreasonable rather than less after a year or so post BD. Makes no sense either, I know, given that they have apparently got the new magic happy they want, right? But ow and feeding your magic happy fixes can get expensive and as unwelcome real life consequences start to show up, some get much angrier and much more entitled. Like rats in a sack.

Which brings me to the issue of your kids. By filing when you did, you have established the precedence that you have primary custody bc he left and that you have a system in place and you stayed in the marital home. You are the safe and stable main parent. That’s important. And I’d imagine that custody of your kids is worth the money.

Given that he has already made some false accusations regarding them, I think you need to be on your guard. So, no, do not tell him you need help or are struggling in any way….tell your family or friends or us or an IC or even your lawyer….shout at a tree even…but do not show him anything he could use against you. You might imagine he wouldn’t, I know, but then you didn’t imagine he’d do any of this either, did you? Watch his feet not his mouth imho. And remind yourself that you are also dealing with ow’s agenda, whatever it is, bc at this stage they can have a lot of influence on your h’s opinions. Whereas you have virtually none. Say very little to him beyond ‘fine’ and ‘talk to my lawyer’. Like the old penguin meme, wave and smile, and keep walking. Wave and smile. Whatever he was before, currently he is not your friend or partner so don’t be tempted to default to treating him as such at the moment.

Any hints of threats from him or if you feel unsafe at any time, do not doubt your own gut instinct….bc these folks can get very angry indeed when things seem not to be going as they want….do whatever you need to do to keep you and your kids safe. I hope you won’t need to and only a few MLCers get violent or threatening - although most are pretty abusive verbally or emotionally, sadly - but some do, and being an LBS sometimes means being open minded to things that were previously unimaginable. So, for instance, when he comes to get stuff from the shop, (and I’m assuming this is preagreed legally and documented?) I’d arrange for someone else to be there with you if for no other reason than being witnessed tends to constrain how unpleasant people can get. And it might make you feel a little less anxious too. 

I would talk to your lawyer now about the pros and cons of relocating if that is a possibility you and your family might like. Yes, it will make visitation difficult for him….but then he is the one who has taken actions that make the old life unsustainable…and he has already shown that he and ow are capable of relocating from one side of the country to another seemingly more easily than you. CA may not be possible, but imho it’s worth asking your lawyer about it rather than assuming it’s a no go just bc your h won’t like it. Or indeed if being forced to stay in your current state bc your h won’t agree gives you some kind of special hardship argument that might benefit you financially. Everything is negotiable, even if MLCers don’t want to negotiate lol. No one wins in a divorce really, at least not in the short term; it’s usually more a case of how people value apples compared to pears, isn’t it?

So overall, I’m going to suggest you hold your nerve, say very little about anything important if/when you see your h, document everything and talk to your lawyer about  the various options you might have. Leave your h to contemplate his self entitled MLC navel and the colour of his beard while you focus on the more important things for you, your kids and your own family.

I am so very sorry that you are where you are, and having to deal with what you are dealing with. There is nothing fair or reasonable about it. And no, it really isn’t your fault bc you were stressed by the new business….the business your h chose to set up, remember, borrowed money from your brother for and then ran away from too. And he did so while you were pregnant which is a truly awful thing to do to one’s family imho. Are you perfect? Probably not, none of us are  But your h had a range of options for dealing with a difficult taxing time in life….you chose to keep going; he chose to blow stuff up and run away. That’s on him, not you. It says much more about him and very little about you or your kids.

This time is hard, we know, hard beyond words. You are in the trenches on multiple fronts and probably feel quite overwhelmed most of the time. Yet look at how strong and smart and sane and practical you have been in most of your responses, even so early in. Remarkable. And what I can honestly promise you is that this time in the trenches will not last forever and that there is a good life for you and your kids waiting on the other side of it, even if it is different than you planned and regardless of what your h does. Not easy, not quick, but it will come in small steps and it is worth plodding towards step by step even on your worst days. Xxx

[Reinventing]

I second Treasur's advice.