[xyzcf]

I also thank both of you for sharing your wisdom here.....it's familiar...others who have returned to talk about what they were thinking have expressed similar thoughts....it's really not unusual, we've heard it several times.....these insights help a great deal to understand the "pathology" and what our spouses might be experiencing...yes, each situation is different but the similarities are uncanny.

KellBell, thank you for being open and willing to work to rebuild your marriage. Without your commitment, your husband could not have returned. You grew, you healed and you allowed the possibility of resolving the destruction to your life and family.

Sometimes people fear that if newbies read stories of reconnection that somehow that will prevent them from getting on in their lives. Newbies often need something to hold onto until the time comes when they are healed enough to let go.

As your husband has made very clear...this is not about us. Always hard to get our heads around that in the early days but it's 100% true.

So, I hope you continue to communicate and to grow in love once again. So great to hear your story! Thank you.

[Treasur]

Thank you from me too, to both of you. It takes courage to look at some of those questions I’d imagine particularly as your focus now must be on rebuilding and the normal stuff of life. But it’s such a bewildering time for the LBS here, with such a lot of self-doubt, that I imagine it might be really helpful for some just trying to figure out why up is suddenly down.

Tbh even as someone years on who has largely made peace with the reality that a spouse I loved so much, who I honestly believed loved me too did what he did in the way that he did it, who has long since vanished, it leaves questions that pop back up occasionally. And it’s hard to always answer those questions in the absence of the other person, especially the ones about how real those twenty+ years of my own life were. So, there’s a little comfort in it for me too even if my story turned out differently. I chuckled a bit at your h’s description of a kind of life tantrum….but it made sense. Sad, but it made sense.

We all wish you both the best from here on.

[Baxter1]

As a ‘newbie’ reconnection stories are very important, at least they were for me. Knowing that sometimes there can be a reconnection has given me some hope. No one knows what will happen but if both sides are willing to Do the work then sometimes it works out.

[WHY]

Kell on behalf of all LBS.  We are very happy for you.  It sounds like your MLCer is in genuine recovery.   Accepting responsibility for his actions and doing what it takes to make things right.  Good for you.  I know it wasn’t an easy journey. 

My question: does you H have this “selective memory” issue I keep reading about.   Once the fog lifted.  Did he remember everything he said and did?  Were there any discrepancies and if so.  Do you think him not remember is genuine or just another way of not facing the music? 

Another thought I keep having is that we sort of give our MLCers a free pass because they suffer a mental breakdown and it “wasn’t them” and they were possessed, mental illness etc etc.  over exaggerations but you know what I mean.  However, this mental illness “ seems to be cured by their dream life not working out.  I don’t understand the pathology of it all.  But that does sound like mental illness it’s cured by their dream life not working out.  That feels like something else. 

Good for you Kell.

[MadLuv]

Thank you for coming back and to you H, XH, H  ( I put this because it is good for those to know you did go through a complete divorce and remarriage) offering to answer those questions for you to post. I have always thought it would be great to compile a list of most wanted answers to give to those willing to answer. Thank you for asking him and thank him for answering.

[KellBell]

why- I didn't give him a free pass. And I don't think any LBS should. I wasn't sure what my limit of tolerance was but as soon as I hit it then that would be it. I also think that once we were legally divorced that was it. Actually a little before. I didn't care what he did. I didn't want to know. When we did interact, I was often disappointed. So I was good just leaving him to be. Every LBS has their limit, that point of no return. Once the divorce is over (if you haven't already) live like it's over. Grieve the relationship and move on. If you come back together it will need to be from a place of healing on both parts.

As for selective memory, it's strange. We talk about things and he's like "Really!? I said or did that? That's not how I remember it". I think it's more of the filter they were living through. He saw me and our life and our divorce one way...through his view and perspective. And I also think it's hard for them to fathom being so hurtful and they bury those moments. They don't want to dwell on those moments when they were jerks. It's embarrassing and shameful. And really it just adds to their insecurities. We made it a point in our marriage to move on from that time. We talk about it at times, but for the most part just looking forward. He knows he hurt me and the kids. And he's appreciative for the second chances we've all given him.

A side note- when trying to understand their thinking and thought process, I found it helpful to read about the id, ego and super ego and how they need to be in balance to function properly. And certain experiences or breaks in the psyche can cause an imbalance and regulating impulses becomes difficult. That coupled with depression and trying to 'fix' that darkness and fill the hole with impulses is a good way to look at it.

Standing is hard. Really the hardest action to take. And a lot of standers are standing in hopes to get back their marriage as it was. And the sad truth is - it will never be that again. So grieve. Mourn the loss of a long term relationship/marriage and start processing that a huge part of your life. Accept that it isn't fair and it sucks. Then reaffirm your worth. That you deserve better. Heal yourself so you are in a place to deal with reconciliation if it comes. And if it doesn't - you are healed enough to try with someone else.

[Imgood]

Hi KellBell, thank you for sharing your journey. I follow several threads so please forgive me if you’ve addressed this already…what is your marriage like now? How similar or dissimilar is it compared to before everything imploded? For the most part, is your husband like the husband you knew or is he quite different? I appreciate your side note and I am going to do some research/reading regarding it. I’m curious, does “time” just rebalance the id, ego and super ego for “the lucky” mlcers??