[sachertorte]

I'm finally at detachment 7.5 years after BD and 5 years after divorce. I forgot my divorce anniversary the last two or three years!

A huge puzzle of the entire estrangement, affair and divorce process is how our spouses seem a complete alien. The following discussion, in neurochemical terms from ChatGPT, seems to my layman's eye to provide a compelling explanation of that puzzle. It confirms the raw data that we record on this (and other forums such as Divorcebusting, Reddit, and Love Shack) forum, and fits that data into a coherent and predictive framework.

Caveat: I have no background whatsoever in psychology. I know many of you are though! So I hope this is useful in some way and lead to fruitful exchanges of the brightest kind that heros' spouses excel in, overflowing as you are with boundless love, devotion and bravery!


1. The Role of Dopamine: The Affair as an Addiction
Dopamine is the primary neurotransmitter involved in the brain’s reward system. Affairs trigger a dopamine surge, much like addictive drugs or gambling.

Novelty and risk intensify the reward response: The secrecy and forbidden nature of an affair amplify dopamine levels beyond those seen in regular relationships.

Over time, dopamine shifts motivation: The brain starts to prioritize the affair partner over the spouse, simply because dopamine strengthens behavioral patterns that feel rewarding.

Effects on values: With repeated exposure, the brain starts associating the affair with pleasure and the spouse with “normalcy” or even “constraint,” distorting moral perceptions.

🚨 How to counteract it:

Novelty-replacement strategies: Engage in new, exciting activities with the spouse to rekindle dopamine production in the primary relationship.

Awareness of conditioning: Recognizing that dopamine is not truth but reinforcement can help a person step back and question their new patterns of attraction.

2. Oxytocin and Vasopressin: Rewiring Attachment
Oxytocin and vasopressin are bonding hormones that play a major role in emotional connection and fidelity.

Oxytocin is released through emotional and physical intimacy: It diminishes fear and strengthens trust, but it also redirects attachment bonds when a new partner enters the picture.

Vasopressin reinforces pair-bonding and loyalty, but once an affair starts, it can attach a cheater to the new partner instead of the spouse.

🔄 How this affects memory and values:

The affair partner becomes the primary emotional anchor, causing the cheater to rewrite history—they may see their spouse as less loving or their marriage as worse than it was.

Suppressed oxytocin bonding to the spouse weakens the emotional connection at home, making it easier to justify further betrayal.

🚨 How to counteract it:

Oxytocin resets through emotional reconnection: Deep conversations, physical affection, and shared vulnerability with the spouse can gradually override affair-induced bonds.

Limited exposure to the affair partner is crucial—each interaction reinforces oxytocin bonding and prolongs attachment.

3. The Stress Hormones: Cortisol and Norepinephrine in Emotional Justification
Affairs often create chronic low-grade stress, activating cortisol and norepinephrine, which impact decision-making and emotional processing.

Cortisol amplifies anxiety and suppresses rational thinking, making the person justify their actions as “survival” rather than choice.

Norepinephrine enhances focus and arousal, which makes the affair seem more intense and meaningful than it is.

Memory distortions occur: The cheater rewrites their past to align with their present emotions, selectively remembering the spouse’s flaws and forgetting good times.

🚨 How to counteract it:

Reduce stress-induced rationalization by identifying real stressors that fuel temptation—work pressure, midlife crisis, emotional deprivation.

Guided memory recall: Actively revisiting positive marital memories can reverse selective bias.

4. Empathy Suppression: The Role of Testosterone and the Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC)
One of the most disturbing neurochemical effects of an affair is that a cheater’s empathy for their spouse is chemically suppressed.

Testosterone reduces empathetic response: Men (and sometimes women) in affairs experience a testosterone surge, which diminishes the function of the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), the brain’s center for empathy and conflict resolution.

The ACC is critical for moral conflict processing: A highly active ACC would make someone feel guilty about betrayal. But as testosterone increases, the ACC becomes less sensitive, making it easier to ignore or rationalize the harm caused.

🚨 How to counteract it:

Restoring empathy through intentional reflection: Journaling about the spouse’s feelings, or even watching emotional films, can re-engage the ACC.

Reducing testosterone spikes through stress reduction and redirecting sexual energy toward the spouse can help reverse this effect.

5. Prefrontal Cortex Shutdown: Why Logical Thinking is Compromised
The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is responsible for long-term thinking, self-discipline, and moral reasoning. But in the midst of an affair:

Dopamine and cortisol suppress the PFC, reducing impulse control.

Emotional rather than logical decision-making takes over, leading to reckless behaviors.

Long-term consequences become blurry, making the affair feel more justifiable.

🚨 How to counteract it:

Strengthen the PFC with structured thinking: Cognitive exercises, like writing out consequences before taking actions, help reactivate logic.

Mindfulness practices restore PFC function by reducing impulsivity.


_______

I decided to leave the very painful info in about how each of these changes can be countered and reversed. It has the salutary effect of showing that none of this is inevitable and offers hope of different conduct, even though most of us on this forum did not have not the good fortune of these choices from our partners.

Hugs to everyone who wants one.

[FaithWalker]

Thanks for sharing.  Virtual hugs back!

[OffRoad]

Interesting read. I can't say I agree with some of the "counter actions". When the MLCer decides you are the devil incarnate, they don't even believe the pictures of them having a good time. Taking some down "memory lane" is worth less than doing nothing. According to mine, he was miserable in that joyful picture of his first child.

Limiting exposure to affair partner? As if we control that.

Can I stop someone else's work pressure? Can I make them watch an emotional movie? Can I make them sit and listen to good memories?

It's an interesting read, but not based in reality. I find that in of a lot of AI. JMO.

[sachertorte]

On the Road, I can't agree more. I thought about not including those because none of us got any of that.

But some people do fight limerence and succeed. We just tend not to hear about them on this forum for obvious reasons. We would never have had to come here.

I recently had a run-in where I started to develop limerence for someone who was married! I know. I thought I would be able to stay platonic, but then my vulnerability kicked in. Oof.

In the end, though, my suffering came to my rescue. I recalled my pain, soon after BD, as I crawled on that gleaming bamboo floor DH and I had chosen together with so much loving care. When my DH dropped off books on "amicable decoupling," then drove off. In retrospect, likely straight to the home of his affair partner.

I called out to my father, gone for 30 years:

"Daddy, come and take me with you. I can't take this any more."

I looked back at that me on the floor. And I realized that the man who was messing with me had a wife, a woman just like me. And no way I'd ever put another human being on that floor.

I never thought it would happen to me, and I am happy my pain redeemed me. I felt it turn into love within me -- for our common humanity. And that is a higher love than any transient selfish desire to me.

Love will conquer all. I feel like my Dad was looking out for me.