[BonBon]

My H's early triggers I think are due to his being adopted and never understanding that it wasn't a case of his biological mother not wanting him but rather, that she was only 16 and it was 1964 so her parents forced her to give him up.  He's always seen this as a rejection though I never realized this was a problem for him until this past year.

His parents are very frugal and he had alot of friends in his youth whose parents were well off so monetary success was always an issue.  He felt very deprived though he wasn't really.
His parents are wonderful and well meaning people but they are a bit hard nosed, stoic and don't believe in "spoiling" children which translates to not pumping their egos with praise and encouragement.  I think he was sorely in need of this and they did not provide it...not out of malice, just out of the way they are, the way it was back then as well.

The perfect storm as OP puts it was seeing his father grow increasingly dismissed and over ridden towards the end of his career.  Also, at the same time, my dad was losing it due to Alzheimers so before that was apparent, he was somewhat dismissed as well.  My dad had a very successful and respected career.  H saw his fading out as the inevitable for all men once they aged.  At the same time, some younger men in his work place "dissed" him as he put it.  I don't think that's what really happened...they probably just didn't realize he was trying to hang out with them.  At any rate, because they are younger, he felt he was being dismissed due to the fact he was approaching 45 at the time.

I did not take for granted the fact I had a loving and supportive husband...and I made sure he knew that at all times.  But I did take for granted the fact that he would never hurt/betray/become dissatisfied with me.  Part of the reason I took that for granted was due to the fact that from the moment we got serious right through to the beginnings of his MLC, he assured me that would never happen. 

Guess I won't take anything for granted ever again, will I.

[honour]

Under pinning everything: unresolved self-esteem issuses caused by the traumatic events of her parents divorce.

2006 loss of relative
2008 loss of very close relative
2008 daughter leaves home (empty nest)
2009 full on menopause
2009 she requires an operation (scares her)
2009 learns she will loss her job (really distressed by prospect of job loss)
2010 commits adultery whilst working abroad
2010 leaves home, country, family to live with OM who works for her company. she keeps job.

honour

[niff naff]

Like you M and H, I can recall the night the switch was turned off on my husband, I can remember the date, and what the weather was like, and the time, he was a completely different person,  a stranger I had never met before,the night he walked behind me, and called me the foulest names I have ever heared, this was because we had been in a restaurant with his "New" friends (I thought they were my new friends too) I quickly realised I was the complete opposite of these people, I was embarrassed in the restaurant, because of their colourful language, but I showed no disrespect to them, it was only on the way home, alone with my H, that I passed comment on this, I did hear the door shut at he entered the tunnel on that walk home, He called me the names I had been so deeply embarrassed of, I did express my disbelief in what he was doing, and I "tapped him on the face with a very small and very light purse", he within a heart beat, had hit me so hard on my face I fell to the floor and do not remember it, until I was being helped up by him.

I do believe this was the start of reply, I don't think this was the start of MLC, I cannot remember any incidents before this that  would have been related to his MLC, apart from his grandad dying, but he was a very old man of 91 years, his grandad was his mentor, and had always loved him, and shown him he had a great proudness for him, I think my H was successful in his life to gain love from him mother, and respect from him grandfather,  but I do know, then and today, that that night he entered the tunnel, I told a friend of this occasion, and she said he was wanting to create a situation, if it hadn't been that incident , it would have been another moment.  The next morning I remember him coming and holding me and saying "I will never leave you or our son, so you have nothing to worry about".  Ten months later he was gone.

Hugs

[summer progress]

My H's grandfather died in Aug. 2010. He seemed alright with it at first. He did begin to get a bit quiet a few months later. He never seemed to mourn his grandfather, but H's father left when he was about 6, and his grandfather was his father figure.

My father's health was declining rapidly, and H saw this. He avoided going to see my father in the hospital and even when we were at my dad's house, he did not interact with him. H has said that he was thinking about leaving before my dad died in Feb 2011 (on our 23rd Ann). H has said that my dad's death had a huge impact on him.

S19's prom had a huge impact on my H (May 2011). H did not pay attention to the details of the picture taking events. When I got home late from the picture taking and told him where I had been, he got extremely quiet and told me that no one had told him about the pictures (these plans were made by the kids, and they made the plans in the den over a period of a month. H was present in the room while they were making the plans). H said that he was hurt about not being invited. He seriously withdrew and when asked about why he was quiet, he said he had a lot on his mind but was not ready to talk about it yet.

The next month (June 2011), I got the "I am looking for a new place to live" BD the day after S19 graduated from high school.

Are they triggers? I think they are, but he has been dealing with depression for a long time. I think he just bottled up his emotions about these events and could not deal with the flood of emotions he was feeling.

[Standing4Myself]

triggers (and roots) Awesome topic...I know learning about these triggers (and roots) helped me understand MLC a little better..

my ex had an unloving, drunken abusive father and was sexually abused by a male family member (I've read that its common for a child w/ such a parent to get abused by a male fam member). In addition, she was the oldest of several children and was often the caretaker and 'hero'. She had some weight and self-esteem issues and she was also a stay at home mom - no identity outside the home. Furthermore, she had a history of depression and OCD and went off her meds. Shortly after that, she lost her job - then her journey began.

 

[Moving Forward]

fascinating topic.
Ok so here goes:

ROOTS of ExH MLC
1. death of his beloved Mum when he was 15
2. workoholic dad who had always immersed himself in his work but doubly so after her death
3. exH slept with his Dad until new wife arrived in the UK as he was so worried he'd blow his brains out
4. Dad remarries within a year of his Mum's death to a Czech lady who is shy and hardly speaks any English
5. exH has to clear his Mums clothes from her wardrobe and drawers the night before his Step Mum was due to arrive in the UK
6. Dad has two children within 20 months or so of remarriage
7. photo's removed etc of his Mum at his fathers home and they are not allowed to discuss her as 'it's too upsetting for everyone'

ExH has always been extremely jealous of his half brother and sister - he believes they will inherit the money he is entitled to - exH was never proactive with his side of the family in the 18 years we were together. He ahs a very dysfunctional relationship with his sister who was 12 when her Mum died - I would often say she still behaved like a 12 year old because she is so emotionally stunted - she was sent off on a French exchange visit just after her Mum died and wasn't told of her death and she was buried whilst she was away in France.

TRIGGERS
1. November 2006 is suspended and subsequently 'let go' from his dream job as a Dealer Principal of a prestigious car manufacturer
2. Money is tight as I had just started my business at that time - he works with me in 'our' business as a consultant for a logistics company which he hates and where he spends increasing time in Europe and London
3. August 2007 - he hits 40 and I take him to Jersey where he used to go on family holidays with his Mum, Dad and sister
4. October 2008 his beloved paternal Grandma passes away - he had made peace with her after years of non contact
5. November 2008 he receives an e-mail from his exGirlfriend from when he was 15..


the perfect storm as OP says.....

[Musica]

OK here goes ...

Roots:  Only child and only grandchild, allowed to do whatever he wanted , he wouldn't have friends to his house, didn't want to share his toys. Spent a lot of time with grandparents.
When he became a teenager, he wasn't asked to be accountable, was allowed freedom to do what he wanted.
Was let down by 3 women who he thought he loved in late teens early 20's. Had issues with trusting women.
His parents did very little together, didn't have a loving marriage, his father would disappear from time to time. His mother accepted that.

Triggers:

Father diagnosed with terminal cancer 2004 accepted extensive surgery and chemotherapy/radiotherapy to prolong his life.
My Father died 2005, his father died 2007, my mother died 2008. Our D's went to High School in 2009 and he saw them becoming more independent, thought they didn't need him.
He achieved his dream of building a house 2004-2008, the financial crisis hit him badly and he lost a lot of money.
He lost the purpose in his life he said.
He lost his motivation, and changed into a negative sad person who became selfish and uncaring towards me and our D's.  He is working on himself now, reading, but won't have therapy, he says he needs to do it himself.

[BonBon]

Wow, what a pattern that seems to be emerging....I guess everyone should hold tight when their spouse's parent or grandparent dies...seems to be a fairly consistent trigger. 

[In this for ME]

Yep- all this statrted for exH 10 or 12 years ago when his father died also. Started making a "life plan" Kept asking in the last few years how long we had been married. I guess he thought 20 years was a nice even round number in which to get divorced. 

and Bon Bon

Guess I won't take anything for granted ever again, will I.

I'm in this same boat too. I really truly did take him for granted and that wasn't the thing to do.