[LettingGo]

WOW, Chloe!! Your husband is really confusing!! He knows deep down inside where he belongs, but he has compartmentalized and found this other person to try out his new personas with....

It's really tough to have them home while they are "dating" OW... really, really tough. They just cannot see the problem, though the guilt will get them eventually... give it time. All I can say is, from listening to what my husband says in the moments he is willing to answer my questions, they KNOW OW is nothing to them... because she is nothing to THEM, they cannot TRULY grasp YOUR pain over it... it is a SERIOUS disconnect...SERIOUS!!

You look at them like "How would you feel if the tables were turned?" and they say "I wouldn't like it" and the unspoken words are "But don't try and stop me, cuz I can't. Please let me just do what I need to do. I'll make it up to you later... whatever that means..."

They lead dual lives, but in their minds, they have their FAMILY.... number one importance.... then they have their LIFE.... equally as important....

It would be GREAT if we could magically compartmentalize like they do until they are through all of this.... to really feel CONFIDENT that they place us above the other dalliance, but even then, it's yucky to say the least.... it just is.

Good think MLC doesn't last forever, LOL!!

[Chloe1977]

I agree with you , LettingGo. Too bad we can't compartmentalize. Maybe then things would be a little easier for us to except. And that is EXACTLY how he sees things....he has his "family" and he has his "life". He has actually told me that he could care less if OW left him or not. All he cares about are our sons. He said he didn't care if I told him to leave or if I left even though either way he'd always be there for me......confusing, I know.
Tonight was a perfect example of how he would feel if the tables were turned. I received a phone call from one of my staff. The phone is in her brother's name so therefore her brother's name is what came up on the caller ID. The last name of the brother is different from hers because she goes by her married name. He saw the name on the caller ID and asked who was the guy I was talking to and why was the call so quick (we were on the phone for about 2 minutes). Of course I was confused especially since following the call I had a call from my sister and that was the last call that I was thinking about when he asked the question. I told him I didn't know who he was talking about so he had our 6 year old son bring him the phone. He scrolled through the caller ID and then handed me the phone and again asked who it was. I said "oh, that's just -----. That's her brother's name that you're reading. You know him. That's ------." He immediately tried to play it off saying that he wasn't sure if that was our 6 year old's teacher calling (the 2 last names are NOTHING alike). I brushed it off.....but was rolling with laughter in my head.       

[Thundarr]

Hey Chloe,

My W asks our D10 every time they're together who I've been hanging out with and if I've mentioned the names of any of my friends to her.  I overheard her asking her the other day who all I've been talking to.  She even told D10 at one point that I was seeing someone!!  Total insanity, and I wonder how many of her co-workers and friends think I'm some kind of womanizer.

Or maybe they think I'm in MLC!!!

[Chloe1977]

It amazes me how they think it's okay for them to be in a PA, an EA, or both. But if we were to get into a friendship with someone well then that would just be horrible! Talk about being hypocrits.

Thundarr, your wife has no business asking your kids about who you've been talking to. Of course, you know that, but it just irks me.

Something I've realized is that if my H were in a true emotional relationship with OW, he wouldn't have come back. She's just a toy to get him through his "tough times" while he enjoys the "spice of life". And yes, I quote these sayings because he's actually said them.

[Standing4Myself]

wow, Chloe...wow.

Lettinggo - that comment on new personas was VERY profound, newbies should think a little bit about that comment, there is a lot of wisdom behind hit. For example:
I saw my ex take on different personas w/ each of her two OMs and a few of her new friends..I think a lot of these MLCers have some identity issues to say the least. First OM she was a sports nut all of a sudden, second one she turned into a redneck (and dropped the sports). She liked certain things that this/that friend liked doing. Now, the people in her 'old life' (our long time friends) ALSO took note of this...and eventually she wrote them off too.

just to share a story in hopes of making chloe/thundarr laugh, regarding us seeing other people, right after my ex moved out, she told me that I'd have to tell her if I started seeing anyone. I looked at her, kinda tilted my head, and said 'really? but you didn't think you needed to tell me about an affair'?  She quickly changed the subject and left. Then, eventually I did start seeing someone (a story for another thread! lol) and she once brought me over a gift and card. I left it on a little table near my door...then next day the ex came over to get the kids, she's not allowed in my house normally but it was cold out and I let her come in, and im certain she saw the card...and had a minor meltdown, started crying, ran out...I didnt know what was going on and went out to see what was wrong - thought she was hurt or something, i didnt know but then figured she saw the card. Funny thing is, the girl I was seeing gave me the card and kind of made a disclaimer on how all the cards were over the top romantically - since we had really just met (it was christmas I believe)..she didnt want me to think she was coming on too strong, in other words.