[NinjaGirl]

It's interesting to see the big variety of personalities.  For some reason, I thought they'd all have something similiar in common, but it seems it's not the case.

I'm curious if when people self-reflect on the relationship... do they see long standing issues and possibly something that was the straw that broke the camels back.  Or if they really do just snap and go wonky on us?

For me.  I do see that if it didn't happen now, it would've happened later.  It was a build up of issues combined with MLC and he snapped...

[In this for ME]

I think I had signs about 10 years ago after his father died  but hadn't a clue what was going on. He was adament he "make a life plan" for the next 10 years to which I replied goals were good but a plan...we make plans and God laughs.
Then the spending money like nobodys business and even with the threat of me to leave him and take the kids if one more guitar came in the house didn't stop him.
Then just bizarre behavior angry to the point it got him fired from his job..dreams of being a rock and roll star and now I'm divorced and have the kids and he's got a crazy ow and not much else.
I'm pretty sure I got the better end of the deal right now.

[rediscover]

My husband just snapped and said he wanted the relationship to be like it was before.  Literally, we were talking on the phone at 1:15am while he was driving home from work and we were disconnected.  I tried to call back, but his phone went straight to VM and I texted to call me when he had reception or I'd see him in a few minutes.  Never heard back, and tried to call for 2 hours before he came home. He said he went to the beach to think about us.  I had NO IDEA what he was talking about.  He moved out 3 months later.

[Bewildered]

Hi my H Pre MLC
He is very intelligent, single minded and a workalcoholic - friends were attached to sporting activities or work NO close friends - would have said he was an extrovert but i would say that is what he wanted to be, very kind and loving but liked his own way and controlling of your opinions and views (think like him or you were given the oh my god look -  tried to made you feel stupid ) - would put his work and light weigh friends needs before his family (now i work this out as needy and wanting to be accepted and have friends like I did)   
put a lot of pressure on me to be there always all the time for him when he wanted me - when he was away working never worried I was busy but when he came home
 wanted me to  drop everything for him. always needed to be seen as a winner, an expert and was a tad arrogant
MLC H after 12 months
First 12 months above magnified a real pain in the ass so over confident and arrogant
Now sometimes -
shy, doubts/blames himself all the time for anything and everything , not arrogant, more I'm a loser and useless, then the confident  one the other times - a real over the top laughing and joker
?
B

[In this for ME]

Yours is the first reply that sounds something like mine to.
Nobody could have an opnion other than his; this went on for years I saw it taper off some.
And the arrogance in the beginning I could NOT believe. Just so right and so sure about EVERYTHING.
Since bd and I left he actually emailed me over something more than once and admitted he was "dense". Never has he ever said that about himself.

[Bewildered]

Hi ITFTLH

maybe they need to find the person within themselves that they want to be so they can like themselves, My H i feel is doing this do you see this too?
B

[NinjaGirl]

bewildered

I think you're on to something.  I feel like my H lost all confidence in himself and is struggling to find happiness within himself.  I've told him that I wish he could see himself the way that I see him.  It's sad to see them struggle so much and be able to do nothing to help. 

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Before MLC, my H was an extrovert.

After MLC hit, my H became an EXTREME extrovert.

I think this is part of what has made me so self-conscious lately.  The fact he's no longer happy with things about me he used to like seems to have driven him to find many more people to fit into his life so he can keep them in between me and him.  The people my H didn't care about staying in close contact with for years and years all of a sudden he will refer to as his greatest friends.  He even started putting up photos of his "godchildren" all over Facebook and I'm thinking, "You haven't even bothered going to SEE those kids for over a year, who do you think you're fooling?"  Apparently he is fooling lots of people.

[forthetrees]

I´ve been reading Why him? Why her? by Helen Fisher and it is great in its discussion of personality types and the connection with our dominant brain chemical (dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, or estrogen). My humble opinion is that the sudden personality changes in our spouses is due to changes in the predominant brain chemical and this seems logical to me. If it ties to this and issues of FOO, I would like to know how they find their way out of the mess. Also, if it is based on brain chemistry, 1) we are not the cause 2) we are not the solution. You can google her and take her personality test. Even without your spouse taking it, just by reading the descriptions, you´ll know. In the book she lays out the benefits and also the potential negative traits of each of the 4 types. She postulates that we are a mixture of a primary and secondary type: explorer, builder, negotiator or director. Her research shows that explorers do best with other explorers (dopamine based), builders do best with builders (serotonin based) and negotiators and directors do best when they combine. IT is for sure interesting reading.