[Thunder]

I agree with Lighthouse.
Not to be a fixer
Not to enable

That's the toughest for me.  I'm a big time fixer. 
So hard to be at his house and see it falling apart.  A HUGE part of me wants to clean it or do something, but I don't.
I walk over the mess and do nothing.   

What makes it doubly hard is, working a lot of overtime coupled with his depression it keeps him exhausted most of the time.  I know he doesn't have the energy to do all he needs to do.  I feel sorry for him but I have to keep reminding myself he wanted this, not me.
The house is his problem now.

[Finding Hope]

I believe the one common thread that we have is we have all tried to be fixers. I have a friend that was on this site, we became like mother and daughter. I gave her homework. I asked her for one week not to give her opinion, when she got together with friends and family to just listen. I tried to explain that she didn't need to have an opinion about EVERYTHING (and I know I use to too).

Well, she went out with her girlfriends and when they started talking about things, and it was usually their other friends, my friend just sat there and listened. After a while her friends kept asking her what was wrong, she would say nothing. Then they started asking her if she was mad.

After a week of not giving her opinion and just listening, she found out a lot more about her friends and their lives then she knew. She said that she found out too that her mother wasn't happy in her marriage.

She called me and said, I cant believe that I never listened to my friends and family, not really. That she was too busy trying to fix the problems while not really caring about what was being said. She thought that she knew what they were going through but realized that as soon as they started talking she was trying to fix things without really knowing the problem. Because you cant talk and listen at the same time.

I know that I was guilty of that. So, now unless I'm asked my opinion, I NEVER GIVE IT, and that's because it's not my job to fix them. Not my husband, not my girls, no one. I'm there to support if wanted.

FIXER, yup I was BIG TIME

FH

[Seeing The Light]

Finding Hope, wow, just wow.  Such a powerful message and really reiterates why we are supposed to just sit back and listen to our MLCer.  I've been doing this pretty well with my H but have come to realize that I need to do it with everyone, not just him.  Otherwise, it doesn't become a habit, it becomes just another thing I'm doing that would fade with time because I'm only practicing it with one person, if that makes sense. 

Thank you for sharing the story.

[Finding Hope]

STL,

Hardest thing for me to learn was to keep my mouth shut. We all learn from our mistakes, we keep helping the people that we love never will. Thank you for the kind words

HUGS
FH

[Shining Star]

Finding Hope:  That was my hardest lesson also - keep my mouth shut. 

I learned that "anyone" in your life can let you down and lie to you.
I learned that I never want to be a #2 to anyone again.
I learned that I lost myself caring for my husband and his career (for which I now get no credit)
I learned that I had become timid with age and wasn't as curious and adventurous as I had once been.
I learned that I want to leave a mark on the world and will find a way.
I have been humbled by this experience.  I lived a very good life but it wasn't the gift I thought it was.
I learned that a broken heart actually causes physical pain.
I learned who my friends were
I learned that when I am healed I will be much stronger and much smarter.
I learned that, although not perfect, I am a very special and loyal person, and I am proud of my commitment to my marriage.  It failed because it takes two to build, not because of me!
I learned that given what I know now, I would have made different choices.  I will try not to make that mistake again.
I learned that I am very vulnerable and must be careful in interactions with new people - not everyone has good intentions.
I learned that noone in my life, no matter how much they love me, can understand the devastation I walk in everyday - except my husband, who created it.

[Finding Hope]

Shining Star,

I see what you've learned, what have you changed? From the things that you've learned, there should come change.

FH

[Shocked]

SS that's what I am working on learning!!! Great post! I don't know how I could get through this without the HS community!!!!!!

[Seeing The Light]

I see what you've learned, what have you changed? From the things that you've learned, there should come change.

FH, isn't that the truth.  Learning to change what I have control over, and deciding if I want to change it or not, has been a crucial lesson for me as well.  I think that's where compassion for self and others comes into play... I can't own everything that is happening, I can only own what I contributed to the "party" and then I have to decide if I would have done things differently.  If so, then I change the way I do that going forward.  If not, then I accept that it is what is, and go forward too with that acceptance for Self.

[Roma]

Changes in me.

1) I've learned  to respond instead of react...(or at least try to, sometimes things are just SO outrageous, I still react, I'm working on that)

2) I've learned while my H is a major part of my life, he is not my entire life. His issues are a) not my fault, b) not my responsibility to fix/help

3) I've discovered me again, happiness again, thankful for the small things

4) Got a new job in a new career I absolutely love and seriously thinking of obtaining a masters in it

5) It's hard yet I'm still learning the art of detachment

6) I use so much I've learned here is other aspects in my life. for example, if someone violates me, even in a small way, I place a boundary on the behavior kindly, and they get it, stop it and respect me for doing so.

7) I meditate most mornings now which puts me a soothing joyful, calm, peaceful mode that can last all day

8 ) I live in the now


I give thanks for RCR and all here for helping me during this turbulent time!

Probably so many more things, yet that's all I can think of right now

[Finding Hope]

All good changes, keep up the hard work, the rewards are worth it

FH