[NoRegrets]

Hmm...

My H was very willing to tell me about the OW and their physical affair when he was ready, at BD. He was so infatuated with her and repulsed by me.

That's not to say he didn't tell lies about the extent of the affair. At first he lied that he had unprotected sex with her and with me, but that lie was really just laughably transparent, when he explained that she couldn't get pregnant because she's too old. Not because he was using protection, but because she is too old.

And I'm convinced he lied about when he met her and how long and to what extent their meetings occurred, but all that is water under the bridge and I frankly know all I need to know--enough that in my case, the game is over. I have no respect for the man.

[Tigger]

My W denied, denied, denied, then one day I point blank asked and she admittd it, although she blamed me for it, but she admitted it none the less. I told her it was inevitable, she said the OM told her I would say that, What a crock, lets see, you tell your husband that you want to "explore your feelings for another man", you disapear off the face of the earth, you are with him all the time, hrrmmm maybe nothing was going to happen, is it possible?
I thinkl what surprised her is that I told her to start the divorce that she kept threatening me with. Oh well she made a choice, I feel sorry for her but we all have to live with our decisions.

[moc]

Looking back I saw ALL the signs and she lied of course.  Finally she told me and that it was "over" with him but she was still running.  I found out later on, it was not "over" and she stated they were just friends.  I called BS and told her to pack up and go get him then if she wants the derelict lifestyle with her pos dirtbag.  I convinced her that I saw their text messages is when she finally admitted to continuing it.  Then of course in MLC textbook style, she changed to a different cell carrier.  Now she complains that the cell carrier is sh*t!  But I digress.  I heard through the grapevine that he asked her to marry him but she said hell no.  Well, at least she had some idea what was a BIT right.  She knows what she will lose if this ever happens again...I won't be STANDING anymore.

[Rider]

Affairing down for my W?

Look, I am not a snob. I grew up blue collar in construction, but boot-strapped myself through college, worked hard to become an expert in my profession and build a company over 25 years, and know the value of hard work and how to earn respect.  I also maintain friends from all walks of life, so I've not forgotten my roots.

OM?  Happy-go-lucky house painter.  Actually has really good skills in this regard.  However, he is consummate slacker.  Spends most of the day stoned (he has a medical marijuana card, my W tells me she is now a caregiver to him which entitles her to walk out of a dispensary with up to 1.5 lbs of pot!!), shows up late for work (or not at all), has no motivation other than to play with his motorcycle and 60's muscle car.  Never married. Never owned a home. Lived with his step mother for 10 years, then moved to live with his rich aunt & uncle for the past few years.  45 years old and he is a child.  Perfect playmate for a MLC regressed woman reliving her youth without responsibility.

He also has major health issues in that he grows polyps by the dozens in his colon, has to get it scoped and have them snipped out every 6 months, constantly is getting all types of enemas to cleanse, has lost 1/2 his colon already (hence the pot card), and has a prognosis to not live more than 10 more years (his dad died of the same condition).  TMI?  Definitely, but you get the picture.

Now, I am not holding this guy's health issues against him, as it sounds awful. However, what is my W thinking?  How can this person be the least bit attractive to her? 

Oh, as I've mentioned often, he's either gay or bisexual, but closeted to all but his closest friends.  As he is in the construction trade, he is paranoid about his fellow subcontractors finding out, and this is why he cannot even admit to me he is gay when questioned directly (I know several of his subcontractor colleagues and he thinks I well tell them - news flash, I have). There is circumstantial evidence to suggest he is gay. Good grief.  W has admitted to having a PA with him which was quite upsetting in that we were actively intimate for part of this time.  She has also recanted about the PA saying she told me this to get me to agree to the D. However, if so, the level of health risk she put me in is beyond belief.  I've been tested and all is good, fortunately. 

Anyway, all this is so extremely bizarre to me. It has been suggested to me that OM, being a gay dude, is actually a safe person in my W's eyes to provide emotional support. Maybe so.  She is on her own journey, that's for sure.

From what little I can tell, he does not live with my W, but may stay at he place from time to time.  He is a source of distraction for her, yet I know intellectually she needs much more.  She is extremely well read, and quite articulate.  I can never win an argument with her and seldom try.  Even their friendship has to run some sort of course until she's finally just bored of his dullard interactions.  While a jovial guy, he will not shut up when you talk to him, with one inane story running into the next.  Most people end up making an excuse just to break free of this guy, who essentially is just a lonely, sad-sack person.  That said, he is generally well liked among his colleagues.  As my W has told me ... he would not hurt a fly.  Really?  He destroyed a family.  How's that for hurt?

Affairing down? Yup.

Rider

[NoRegrets]

My H fully admitted to his affair, along with many details, before I asked him to leave the family home, which he did, like many of your MLC'ers with enthusiasm.

Interestingly, though, presumably because of the affair down, or because he is looking to garner sympathy from folks in our community, I have yet to see this lecherous woman, nor have I heard from anyone I know who has seen H out and about, that he was with her.

I think either he is ashamed of her, or taking great pains to separate his real life from his fantasy life.

But what would I know, he is a vanisher.

As Rider describes his wife's affair down, my H's MLC also certainly follows the script. My H has always been very frugal except when making major financial blunders, has always been very begrudging, has always encouraged me to work as much as possible except when blaming my work schedule for his affair ("You were always at work!") and now has a very uneducated and vapid (lordy...her FB page...) woman for a companion, one who has worked very little in spite of never having any children to care for. (Interesting to me just how many affair partners have no children, and how many MLCers take off when their own children hit late adolescence.) OW in my situation is an alcoholic by my H's description, and not a sober alcoholic, either. My H has always been very healthful--eats well, exercises almost fanatically. OW is not athletic, according to my H. Hmm... So, he doesn't bring her around. In effect, I see that as a lie to his community--our once-mutual friends. I don't know if it's calculated or not, but certainly people believe, just by observing us, that I am the bad guy here, at least until they are told the truth. Wonder when the unveiling will finally be? I know my children want nothing to do with OW, thank goodness.

[Rider]

Cali ...

Sounds like we are in the same boat on the affair down characteristics such as our spouses being either embarrassed or ashamed to be seen or associated romantically with the OP. 

My W has basically cut off all contact with her old mom's group friends from our town, except for one mom who was loosely considered her best friend (my W really was quite the loner, always seemed happy to spend time on her own, and I believe her life continues like this even today).  My W has told me she's never once discussed OM with this woman and I believe it. BTW ... This woman and her H were our best couple friends, but they've cut off all contact with me. Who can blame them, as wants to be in the middle of a D?  My W was always better friends with her, than me with him, so this cutting off is natural and to be expected.

Interesting, I was working out last week at the club when I ran into another dad who is friends with our couple friends, and he asked me how I was, told me he was sorry, thought we were always so good together, etc.  Then he said ... "MLC, huh?" Further stated his sister went through something similar, but he did not expand on that.  Then interestingly he asked me if the kids were going back and forth, or if the just lived with me. When I told him it was the latter, it seemed to confirm a suspicion he or others (our couple friends?)had.  Hmmmmm?

The truth cannot be hid forever.  As I've said, our actions do not go unnoticed. I did tell this man that I still loved my W, that she was going through a tough time, and that we all missed her.  No mention of OM was made, and I would have refused to discuss it either way.  Much too sordid and don't exactly enjoy airing my dirty laundry in public.  Really, I am more embarrased for her than anything.

Just rambling ...

Rider 

[Finding Hope]

OK, found this post. How long have you been on here? If theres another post I can't seem to find it. Just was looking for some history. Still not sure is your h home?

C

[willitgetbetter]

Hi Confused,

The bulk of my sitch is here:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2077.0

Thank you for caring enough to look.

Hugs.