[c3po]

Maybe I am just more sensitive to the idea of MLC since I am living in the aftermath first hand, but I witnessed one of my coworkers at work last night exhibiting MLC behaviors.   I felt like I was standing in the wake of Hiroshima when she was relaying her story to a fellow coworker.  So here it is:

So two of my coworkers were talking last night.  The one tells the other that she has been seeing a life coach.  Apparently she has been seeing this life coach for awhile now.  Anyway, based on her time with the life coach, this woman decides that she is going to end her relationship with her husband whom she just married last fall.  She tells a bunch of people, including other coworkers, about this before she tells her husband.  Red flag #1 perhaps??!! 

So a couple of days ago she finally tells him, and his response is that he is confused and has a lot of questions.  Sounds to me like he is having trouble processing his bomb date, so of course he wants to talk about this with her.  Apparently he is still living in the house with her as well.  Her response and that of the other coworker is that it is just too bad for him and that he needs to just deal with his emotions.  They both agreed that it is HIS problem!!!  Red flag #2??!!

So the other coworker assured the one who had just broken it off that she needed to focus on herself and just let her husband pretty much sink or swim.  By this time, my jaw is hanging open in disbelief at how callous this woman is.  There was no discussion with her husband whatsoever; she made the decision to end their marriage and he would just have to live with it.   This story really was liking watching a bomb drop unfold from the other side.  I really wanted to say something, but didn't know where to begin or if I should say anything since I have to work with her and this other coworker on a regular basis. 

This couple is in their 30's so they are a little on the younger end of MLC, but the behaviors based on what she was saying seemed to speak MLC to me.  I met the husband once at the station Christmas party last year and he seemed to be a decent enough guy.  Obviously I don't know all the facts behind what transpired for her to get to this point, but I do see that it is crappy behavior regardless.  Marriage or even a relationship is a union between two individuals who made a commitment to be with each other, for better or worse.  At the crux of anything there should be communication of feelings and even intent if that is what one individual is thinking.  Of course we all know that isn't the way it works in MLC. 

I feel horrible for the husband after hearing what his wife was saying.  This conversation really tainted my views of her and the other coworker as well.  For people who work in the mental health field and should be somewhat caring and compassionate, I was appalled! 

[BonBon]

EEK!

Isn't amazing how we see the signs now whereas before we probably would not have given this much thought?  I'm realizing now there are a few people I know who have divorced and I strongly suspect it was due to an MLC.

I would not say anything to this woman because if she's in an MLC, she won't listen anyway.
That said, I wouldn't be her buddy either....hard enough to deal with an MLCer we love...who needs another in our life?

Bon

[c3po]

EEK!

Isn't amazing how we see the signs now whereas before we probably would not have given this much thought?  I'm realizing now there are a few people I know who have divorced and I strongly suspect it was due to an MLC.

I would not say anything to this woman because if she's in an MLC, she won't listen anyway.
That said, I wouldn't be her buddy either....hard enough to deal with an MLCer we love...who needs another in our life?

Bon

Very true! One screwed up MLCer in my life is plenty at the moment!

[hobo1]

Well, it's a good thing they just married last fall, and not likely to already have children together.

What were some of the reasons she gives for leaving hm?   Divorce enablers are the worst.  They have nothing to gain, but just want to be involved any way.  Meanwhile the MLCer is using their concurrence to destroy her life.  The enabler friend simply gets to go on living her life...

[Thundarr]

Hey little L2 sister,

I've been pondering this one today and I think TB may have hit on something.  They have only been married a year, so it is possible that this is just who this woman is.  There are some people who never seem to gain the capacity to truly care about someone (as a therapist I'm sure you are well aware of this) and are sometimes able to mask this trait by seeming altruistic and self-sacrificiing.  I've worked with a few that on the outside seem to be totally dedicated to the kids they worked with but in reality were the ones benefitting from what they were doing.  Usually the kids can sniff this out quicker than the adults can and often I've seen kids completely despise someone who the other staff members think that the kids would love.  I don't know how well you know this woman, but I would not be surprised if this were a lifestyle for her rather than an isolated incident.

[c3po]

Hey little L2 sister,

I've been pondering this one today and I think TB may have hit on something.  They have only been married a year, so it is possible that this is just who this woman is.  There are some people who never seem to gain the capacity to truly care about someone (as a therapist I'm sure you are well aware of this) and are sometimes able to mask this trait by seeming altruistic and self-sacrificiing.  I've worked with a few that on the outside seem to be totally dedicated to the kids they worked with but in reality were the ones benefitting from what they were doing.  Usually the kids can sniff this out quicker than the adults can and often I've seen kids completely despise someone who the other staff members think that the kids would love.  I don't know how well you know this woman, but I would not be surprised if this were a lifestyle for her rather than an isolated incident.

You may be on to something.  All I know is that right now I can hardly stand to look at her.  Regardless of what has driven her behavior, it is a crappy thing to do.  The sad part is that there are several other people working there that are probably just as self centered.  The patients really do pick up on that. 

[xyzcf]

Bumping up your thread and sending you a hello. I saw you posted this on another thread in response to Stayed's husband's letter:

This is so powerful. I need to re-read and ponder his perspective. It offers excellent insight and some hope. It makes not feel so guilty for telling BF yesterday that I want to work on our relationship. I plan to let that info sink in and make a concerted effort to work on me because that is all I have control over.

It is true that all we have control over is ourselves. That is why I find it difficult that I cannot just step far far away from my husband....well, not physically because he's not even in the same hemisphere but  why does he still take up so much space in my head?

The ups and downs are hard to handle but as long as we continue to make progress with ourselves then that's all we can do.

Take care!

[Anjae]

Maybe she is not in MLC. Maybe she is. The red flag is that she is divorcing someone she married last fall.

Yet, I have seen a number of people going for marriage and end up divorced pretty quick. About an year ago an acquaintance married a man she meet on FB. He has just left her. No idea what happened between them but I know she was not emotionally healthy to start with. She was depressed and desperately looking for love.

A male friend is getting ready to set up home with a girl he has been seeing for less than two months. I’m pretty sure he is having is own MLC. So far not a severe one but a MLC non the less. He has been divorced for over a decade so he did not left his wife but he has regressed to past behaviours, the woman he is seeing is in her late 20’s, he is 18 years older than her.

I guess many people are finding it difficult to deal with their middle years…