[BirdSoul]

Thanks for starting this thread! It is helpful to think about the good things.

At BD I recall thinking that I married my exH because he is a good man, but what had he become? Infidelity and betrayal are not kind. In fact, his leaving was especially cruel, texting and calling OW in front of me. Now I don't just don't know who he is.

After BD he was mostly horrific, with some odd snippets of kindness thrown in (cycling?). After he moved out, no kindness at all. Not even civility. No hello, how are you, take care, nothing like that. No calls, no texts, no meetings, no personal emails. He could barely use my name in a letter. He is a vanisher and I have not seen or spoken to him since Jan. 30, 2011. We did the whole D through lawyers and there was nothing kind about it. Then right after the D was finalized and he moved in with OW, he sent me an e-mail saying "Thank you for everything you ever did for me." Didn't even use my name. I guess that was his idea of closure.

Before BD he was very loving and kind. He paid for my graduate school, he cooked me dinners, he even helped me with homework in graduate school! Only month before BD he came to a presentation I had to make at a public hearing for work just to cheer me on. He bought me things I admired. He was affectionate and thoughtful. He was interested in me and supportive. He was kind to others. But, I have since decided, he was holding in hurts the whole time. Small and large hurts (accommodation) and the resentment built up big time until it exploded.

What do I miss about him?

His presence, his hands, his lips, his kisses, his voice singing in the shower, his smell, sleeping beside him, watching TV together, talking over events together, exploring new places together, cuddling, walking, dreaming of the future...

[Chickpea]

Birdsoul- your story sounds exactly like mine... yes, my H was so kind at one time- but slowly but surely over the past few years, his personality change was creeping in.  I thought it was the stress of the job, thought it was just the ageing process, thought he was going thru a stage.  It was him planning his escape.  Did he say, we need to talk, we need, this, we need to do that- NOTHING.  Just drinking more than he ever drank, got up in the middle of the night to go downstairs and read (and I would find an empty wine glass), get angry at me for the slightist things.  He was very nervous after BD when he came over, never stayed for more than 15 minutes, but was polite.  Then the MONSTER showed its ugly head.  In every way- he hurt me with words, actions, attitudes and lies.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy.