[Velika]

This may be an existing thread, but I would be curious to hear from others (and especially others who have seen this play out/eventually resolve/talked to someone who has witnessed or experienced first-hand):

Do you think MLCers can control their behavior?

If yes:

• When?
• With whom?
• At what stage(s)?
• Why?

If no:

• Why?
• For how long?
• At what stages?

[Reallytrying]

Except for in the cases of psychosis I believe everyone can control their behavior. I think many people lack the insight necessary to do so and their behavior is governed by their feelings. I don't think this is exclusive to MLC. I do think the MLCer like the adolescent is likely to act impulsively without considering consequences or other people's feelings but that doesn't mean they aren't able to control their behavior.

[barbiedoll]

I guess the fact is.. as a LBS , we will never factually know the truth regarding this question. But I can express what I saw ( in my husband) and my perception. I honestly believed that my husband had a "brain tumour", or a stroke or a reaction to several new medications he had just started . Some of what he said and did was so staggering and catastrophic ..that he simply had to have a medical condition or most certainly a mental breakdown. I do not believe he could control his behaviour . I saw raw desperation, utter confusion, rage , blankness as if he was in "shock" of some kind. He continually wore a deep scowl ( never saw that before), was red faced , puffy looking and his eyes were flat... no one was behind them. He bit his lip chronically .. never did that before and has not done that since.

He is here beside me on the couch.. so I asked him. He has a sensitivity to being asked about a time period that he "lost himself", but he does his best to answer. I says that "everyone is likely different" but for him, he believes there was a period of time that he absolutely could never have controlled his "thinking" and consequently his behavior. He says he absolutely remembers the feeling of being void of caring. He did not CARE ABOUT ANYTHING .. NOTHING MATTERRED . He says that in the state of mind that he "went to" he was not thinking about his behaviour , he was just trying to survive... one foot in front of the other. He could not make ONE SINGLE DECISION about anything in his life, at his job etc. His particular "trigger" or perception was that I no longer loved him, wanted him etc.. and this devastated him and started a journey of out of control reactions to everything in his life. He remembers very little. His therapist validates that his reactions were from a deep wound of rejection by his mother ( and a perceived rejection by me) and he internally collapsed in many way. Therapist has talked to him about his affair partner somehow was a "re-enactment " of mother abandonement issues deep in self conscious . All very complex. He says he was completely out of control and that added to is rage and fear. Still hard to process or remember   .

[calamity]

From what I've read and seen, Barbiedoll has it:  they cannot control their thinking [depression!] and the behaviour results from their [messed up] thinking...

But then, who can explain how they function at work?  Most of them continue working & some are very successful.

[barbiedoll]

I absolutely remember confronting my husband about the fact that he appeared to be preforming at work with no problem whatsoever . And yet you are out of control in your personal life and marriage? How is that possible? I searched every statement he made for lies... that's what destroyed trust does. He is a master compartmentalizer . No question. He had to be just to survive his childhood and it is an automatic survival response that unconsciously internally protects him. However, it was not as it "appeared". He eventually lost control of his ability to function at his job, could not remember anything, became very aggressive and simply could not make any (ANY)  decisions. I remember in his deepest crazy moments he said  " My boss does not use me for the skills that I have". Hmmmm? He worked at a frenzy of 80 -100 hours a week at top speed ... until he QUIT. Yes, he QUIT based on reactions to faulty and skewed thinking . It was not as it initially appeared. But I absolutely remember thinking " he is still managing to work" . When he quit his job, it was more evidence that he was out of control.

[Thunder]

Same here Barbiedoll.  I thought my H was functioning at work, but he really wasn't.  He was always a good worker and got along with everyone, but I remember him being very aggressive for a period of time.  Getting into arguments with, not just co-workers but with management.  Like everyone was out to get him.  Even looked around for another job.
Odd because he loved him job.

He also worked massive amount of hours.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I agree with Barbie. What her husband has said resonates with me. I remember feeling the same way. And I also was having problems at work to the point where I eventually shut down, did the bare minimum that I had to, and that was it.

I've also seen it in my wife and to this day she still seems to be riding the currents with no idea where they're taking her. I also thought she was doing well at work, in fact better than well because om is union president and she was excited about becoming involved in that. The next thing I knew she had been demoted and now she seems to be hoping to quit working due to a medical disability but the surgeon she saw came right out and asked her if she was trying to get out of work and told her that her back problem could be solved with a couple of ibuprofen.

Not to take this in a different direction but that's the trouble with specialists. All that he can see is her back. If she's coming to him with what she says is debilitating back problems and he doesn't see any evidence of back problems it seems like an observant MD would look a little deeper and maybe find out that she's depressed.

[Shocked]

I agree with MBIB. I think what ever part of the brain that use to control behavior is now not functioning the same. A good MD should be able to detect this change. If it is more hormonal in nature could be a factor. What brain function changes them to adolescent?

[BBhelp]

From my experience...When they are spinning in their tornado...the are functioning not thinking.  They seem to have toddler brain and don't begin to think of circumstances, consequences, right or wrong.  They function on feelings & fantasy.  My wife said it felt unhinged and that she had no compass or conscience to slow her down...Just Fog.

People ask how they can fool others that they "have it together"...simple, they are skilled liars not tethered by the inconvenience of the truth or reality.  Just so you all know...I'm 6'6" of bronzed muscle, I look like Brad Pitt, I founded Microsoft...Apple and Amazon and I own the islands of Hawaii as a summer home.  Of course I am happy...I'm Awesome...Believe me...Because I said so.

As they transition out of the storm...reality comes back in bursts.  But the reality can be too heavy and it sends them back in for more spinning.  From what I have seen and read this period also starts to become troublesome for them at work, with family and friends because they can no longer keep all the illusions that made up their fantasy life.

Stay Strong.

BB

[Roma]

I feel it all depends. I know for my H when I place a boundary, he stops doing whatever it was yet there are still a few things he doesn't or forgets to.

There are a few things I feel are just a part of the crisis, where he still has issues to resolve.

The MLCer was brought back in their mind to resolve issues from their past. They are now teenagers in their mind, so asking them to stop acting like a teenager won't work at all because that is what the crisis is for in the first place.