[hobo1]

Now he calls me controlling, like I was given a choice.H you can take it all in, no problem, I would have given it up at anytime, but you were not inclined to take the reins.

Totally can relate to this... 

When my XW gets through this MLC, I unfortunately don't think this will be different.  Their core self is the same.  I don't think a personality disordered individual will come out of MLC, and be cured.

[superdog]

Hobo, I totally agree with what your wrote. My h is the poster boy for passive aggressive disorder and I do not believe for one second that mlc will change that one iota. That is deeply ingrained.

What I do think has changed more than a little of an iota is the fact that I will not enable this disorder one more second of my life. It's nasty.

Sd
X

[in it]

I enabled a NPD for 32 years NEVER SAW IT or the cycle it has..I kept wondering there's something wrong here..so much is missing from this relationship..I was right..another person to have one with.

That's how codependent I was/am...working on not being. 

[Songanddance]

I'm Song and Dance and I am a recovering enabler.

However H did do all the  DIY work around the house and I used to ask him to show me what to do if ever I had to do something. That meant that I started doing the odd job or two - Duh!!
He did also look after our baby girls and son one day a week so that I could go back to full time work as his business was still in early days.
But ...... finances?- check, shopping? - check, packing boxes for house move?  check, most household chores? - check..

Now he does his own washing , food buying, clothes buying, occasionally does some cleaning and yet still can't always clean up after himself.

I have learned to step back and when he is looking for something - instead of finding or even suggesting where he might find it , I just say - no idea, or not a clue - he then finds it all by himself. And if he can't and throws a teenage tantrum I say nothing...

[hopeandfaith]

My name is HopeandFaith and I am an enabler.

I am also sooooooo grateful for this thread because H and I are spending a lot more time together discussing our future I don't want to fall into old habits.  I have a great opportunity now to redesign this thing.  I appreciate knowing how some of my behaviours impacted my previous marriage so that I don't bring them into the future - with anyone.

H and I spent the day doing house and garden stuff the other day but I had to duck out to run errands with the kids.  I needed to put some washing out and put dinner on but didn't ask H to do these things because I thought I would do them when I got home.  When I got home, H had done both which I thought was pretty observant.  I was very appreciative and he was a little embarrassed but pleased also.

Why didn't I just ask him to do it?  Do I not trust him to do it right?  Am I robbing him of the feel good moments we get from doing something nice for someone else.

Gotta get used to stepping aside and trusting him to do stuff I think.

[SSG]

Wow, great thread.

I am Standing Strong Germany, and I am an enabler/peace keeper/fixer

Learned while H was younger, if he got into Financial problems, MIL helped him out.
First marriage, ExW family helped when needed.
Our marriage.. never asked my family for help...perhaps that was the start of his sliding downhill.  Other than imp stuff I could not do as it was in German, I did pretty much everything else.  Now I am alone in a 3 story house, packing up 17 years...alone.

The wild thing???

Reading the secret FB messages....OW has taken over.  She provided the money to have the affair, she provided the house in a foreign land he could flee too, she even made the comment "I raised two children, raising a third will be no problem"         

Now, H is going to hit rock bottom soon. He has been handling his own finances for only the past 3 months!!! And failing at it.
OW cannot do it as she does not speak German.  That is why I got the nasty email from OW that I was not paying bills!    I should be concerned about this now, why?  Guess I am not accommodating their affair like I did unknowingly last year.

[in it]

The biggest thing I enabled was doing things for everyone they should be doing for themselves.

 I also never expressed myself very well as to when I might need help and expected some one to SEE that.

Usually when I did ask for help it was dismissed.

For me it came down to a lot of my own self-worth issues AND it made me feel good to do things for someone else. But in having my requests dismissed added to the feelings that I was pretty much on my own in whatever I was  dealing with.

I saw where someone mentioned being out of balance? You could certainly say most of my relationships have been.

I tend to give way too much. Open honest communication was not possible. But not much of that was on my part.

New mantra?..You teach others how to treat you.

[SSG]

For me it came down to a lot of my own self-worth issues AND it made me feel good to do things for someone else. But in having my requests dismissed added to the feelings that I was pretty much on my own in whatever I was  dealing with.

I saw where someone mentioned being out of balance? You could certainly say most of my relationships have been.

I tend to give way too much. Open honest communication was not possible. But not much of that was on my part.

New mantra?..You teach others how to treat you.

In It...you sound like my best friend, an award winning photographer in Colorado who just turned 50.  Successful, financially secure and a beauty. 
She has finally learned, after all these years...her relationship failures were mostly her fault.  She gave way too much too.  In the past few years, she has a relationship library to rival Amazon...really good at giving advice to friends and helped me in this mess. 

She finally admitted to me at Christmas, the problem has been...she has not been following her own advice. 

She has finally learned to be a bit more selfish ....and know what, she is doing great now.

SSG

[Albatross]

Reading any psychological material or medical material is dangerous for individual, because we can find  self in symptoms or disorder. Anyway does not exist 100% psychologically healthy person, so all normal people have some issues, but that does not mean we are sick. So, on any serious psychological or medical web site exists disclaimer which warn people about that issue. Anyway if we pursue to be perfect then we can fall in own pit. Means lost uniqueness, being spontaneous, become more robotic, less human. Does we want to be like that ? Our MLCer crisis is because of them and their issues not ours, after all we did not hit crisis, they did...

So, don't be so hard on self is my message to You my dear LBS's.

[in it]

I guess that's the real trick isn't it Albatross.. not to be so hard on OURSELVES due to this.

To try to enjoy the simple things in life.... although I'm not sure if I'll get the hang of being a little selfish. I try.. I'm sure he doesn't have the first friggin clue who I am anymore and that makes me feel really good.

He has no idea who the real me really is now that he's done this. Again it's all in who you ask who or what they think a "good person" is.

We  all have a dark and light side and the real goal is to find the balance.