[Thundarr]

For those of you who are newer or don't know who HeartsBlessing is, the main thing to know is that she has been around quite a long time and has written extensively about MLC and the path of the LBS.  Some here have met her in person (OP for one) and many others have communicated with her outside of forums proper (myself for one), but the vast majority have been touched by her messages of faith and forgiveness along with the message "As long as there is love there is hope."  After seeing it referenced in another thread I found the most recent revision of the Stages of MLC along with some other writings of hers that may benefit those who are newer to this.  Some of what she writes contradicts RCR and others in some ways, but I believe a large part is now widely accepted.  So, since RCR gave permission to link to other sites long ago here goes nothing:

http://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/#comment-24

[BB64]

Lol fixed!

Hearts blessings' writongs and advice have been a godsend to me, along with Stayed's as well as RcR's.
Yes there are contradictions between the advice given but that eas a good thing for me.
It's like going on a shopping trip to get a whole outfit from head to toe.
You don't necessarily buy all the items required from the same shop to fit your needs.
You pick and choose what fits, what feels most comfortable, what feels better, what looks better etc...
Because we are all dealing with the same thing (mlc) but are all individuals it's a beautiful thing that we have here everything available to suit the individual needs.

I have read the posts and advice a good dozen times, yet still, I make mistakes.

I'm a good learning, but boy aren't those life lessons difficult to learn, especially when our mlc'ers are hell bent on putting spanners in our works.

Keep reading, keep learning until it sinks in and becomes a way of life.
If at first you fail, keep trying and trying.
 After 14mth I am finally getting there. I seem to not care anymore about what my mlcer gets up to whilstbin replay. None of it has any substance to it, it's not real, so of it's not real, why worry about it so long as it doesn't agfect us directly.
All we need to think about during their replay time is to protect ourselves and loved ones around us (direct family).
The less we worry about them the better seeing as we can't stop them anyway. Waste of time and energy, I should know, It got me exhausted for 12 months!

The best lesson of all IMO is the one about self control. We zll need to have this, mlc or not, and it is the hardest lesson for me.
I am opinionated, fiery, passionate and I can sink into depression all by myself. My stupid mind needs fixing and I am doing all I can to fix it. For me. To be able to live a peaceful life with a clear mind for the rest of my life.

Everyone should read Hb's, stayed, and Rcr's post. And they are not the only sages around.
Old Pilot, wondering, mama bear, rainbow gal, trusting, still standing, dontgiveup....to name a few and I am sorry if I forgot to mention others but this place is a gold mine where recovery from the devastation of mlc is concerned.

We can learn to be happy again. All it takes is hard work on our part and hard work ALWAYS pays off!

[BB64]

Ps:
Sorry about the typos. The keyboard on this tablet is not made for sausage fingers!
I ought to dig out , y laptop from the heap of crap I have brought back from work still sitting by my front door. My house looks like Santa and his elves had a riot in here!

[Songanddance]

Yes there are contradictions between the advice given but that eas a good thing for me.
It's like going on a shopping trip to get a whole outfit from head to toe.
You don't necessarily buy all the items required from the same shop to fit your needs.

Agree - it isn't a one size fits all but, that aside, the same advice applies across the board and which is for the LBS to focus on him/herself, look after children, GAL and ensure that you are protected financially/legally.

The other guarantee from all the advice is that there is no guarantee, so live one day at a time.

You pick and choose what fits, what feels most comfortable, what feels better, what looks better etc...

This is the challenge and here is where I disagree slightly. If we were to pick and choose the "comfort, what feels better" bit then we will hold our own progress back. Part of the LBS growth is to peel back our own skin, look at what works and what now doesn't and start healing from inside out - be on our own learning curve/journey etc...
Part of that learning is to be counter intuitive - tough and really hard to put into practice but this forum, website, DB website, 180 info all say the same.

Thanks  Thundarr for making the link - I did set up a thread which was articles and links for us all - can we merge this onto that oh great moderators???

[BB64]

That is what I was trying to say, Sd, alas not eloquently enough.

[Coffedrinker6]

I have read the part about the OW but my husband absolutely definitely does not have another woman, but he left saying he wanted to be on his own, did not want to be married anymore etc.  The background to my story is in my other two postings "Married 38 years and......"  and "Is this par for the course".

He is on his own in a tiny flat, living off his savings, does not work, has some friends but not true friends, does not go out that much and seems to spend hours on end on his own in his flat on his computer and watching sport on TV. Does not engage with children or grandchildren and seems to just be isolating himself to some extent.

Can you tell me what may be going on in his head to give up everything me, his home, his family,, his friends etc. to be on his own at the age of 60.  I know I may never understand but I do need to try in order to keep up my strength.  I have no intention of giving up and walking away, he his my one and only and I will wait and hope that he will return so that we can live out our lives together as we had planned before this awful madness struck him down.

[limitless]

Coffeedrinker,

My Ex was like that.

He ran away from home and moved in with his parents (he's 60 now - and still there).

He "convinced" me that the problem was the marriage and that he didn't love me anymore.  He didn't want anyone else - just wanted to find some happiness for himself.

I couldn't see any traces of an OW or that he was doing anything like the other MLCers on this site.

Well, he just had shame and was hiding it.

There was an OW (it took 7+ months to find out) and he's on OW#3 now - and this one he is finally acknowledging (after 2 years).

There isn't always an OW....but, most of the time there is. 

I guess one way of looking at it is this...the MLCer has convinced himself that what is wrong with their life is their spouse.  They want out of the marriage...and they think that the minute they no longer are committed - that they are suddenly single.  (Even if they haven't bothered to divorce).  Finding an OW - is part of the "new, exciting life" that they are looking for.  Quite honestly, the OW is very much like a drug...a feel good, avoidance.  It is all part of Replay.

That doesn't make it excuse-able.  That doesn't make it okay.  That doesn't make it right.

It is just an explanation for what is going on in their crazy heads.

And, they need to come to a place where they realize that it wasn't the spouse, it wasn't the marriage, it wasn't anything - but THEM.  Some never get there.  Unfortunately.  Some do. 

The thing is..like a teenager - no one can tell them this.  They have to figure it out on their own.

I hope this helps.

L

[Mamma Bear]

 keyboard broken. 
using onscreen keyboard 

HB says "listen to your intuition". She also said "all you can do is leave the MLCer by the wayside. we can"t fix others. put what we can't handle at the feet of God." works great.

 Thundarr, Boo,Song&Dance, Coffeedrinker and Limitless ... thanks! nice to wake up to you all