[zinger]

does anyone know the link to a site that has several examples of no contact letters?  I know I saw it somewhere but have been looking for a while and can't find it. 

Thanks!!

[OldPilot]

http://www.marriageforlife.biz/no_contact_letter.html


Try this.

[zinger]

Thanks for your quick reply OP. 

The link you suggested is a sample letter when a wayward spouse is trying to end relationship with OW/OM.

I am looking for a NC letter from LBS to MLCer explaining that they are going NC/Dark/Dim and why.  I know I saw a site that had a couple of different examples of this but just can't remember which one.

Thanks...

[LifeGoesOn]

try this site...

http://saveyourmarriagecentral.infopop.cc/eve/forums/a/frm/f/6931042873

and here's a sample from that site...

Dear ________,

I love you and I married you for life. I want to remain married to you. I am willing and committed to doing what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things that I did wrong in our marriage.

The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you. As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future. Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever in any form.

In an emergency you can reach me through ______. Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

Sincerely,
[YOUR NAME]

[unbroken]

Just my opinion...
I absolutely hate that letter and would discourage anyone from sending.
To me it's full of weakness and PRESSURE.
RCR said it well somewhere.
The most I would tell him is that you refuse to be treated with such disrespect and that you will not speak with him until he shows you the respect you deserve.
Now that I think about it, what I said to my H was that I wanted to try a complete separation before we divorced to see if it's what we both wanted.  That we would be complete NC except for emergencies and that I hoped he came back one day, but I didn't want him back half-hearted or with any reservations.

[StillStanding]

I have to agree with loveisntweakness. Sending a letter -- even if you are handing it to them in person -- can come across as passive-aggressive. The more you say, the weaker your position will appear; it will come across as needy, as clingy, and controlling.

What your MLCer needs to know is that you need time and space to figure things out, and unless it's an emergency or finances/business-related, you will not return any messages or respond to any emails or texts. That is setting a boundary; you can't tell him what he must or must not do, because he can choose to ignore it. You can tell him what you will do.

[OldPilot]

I also agree with LIW and I started to write something yesterday but got interrupted.

Maybe it would be better to say NOTHING, and just start being NC.
Why do you need to send him a letter?

I have read this before in a few places to give the MLC'er a path that they need to follow to come home.
But it is not something that is so simple to do.

Before you send anything I would put it here and wait at least 48 hours to get some comments on it.

[Mitzpah]

OP,
I think you are right!

Maybe it would be better to say NOTHING, and just start being NC.

As I am NC with my H. at his initiative, that is how it happened. He just stopped contacting me... and I had already started only contacting him if he contacted me first.

[LifeGoesOn]

Letter or no letter....NC or Dark...

Where the MLCer is, and where the LBS is determines the answer.

I believe uber monster requires a letter and NC. It states your boundary in black and white, so they can reread it when their swiss cheese memory fails. Especially if you are doing a 180 and stopping pursuaing behaviors.  It is a clear, calm expression of your boundary that you will not be in contact with them at all, for any reason. Without the letter, some MLCers see it as a controlling tactic to manipulate them. Some will see it that way anyway, but after many readings, it may sinl in. It must be simple, direct, no examples, complaints, or emotions. To go "no contact", the lbs has to be in strong place, and must maintain NC until monster subsides. It is a boundary YOU must not cross. It is for you! Eventually, it may be possible to move into Dark, and move in and out at your discretion.
NC is not a strategy to change your mlcers behavior. It is a protective bubble you put around yourself, so that you can get out of the drama and get your feet under you. Technically it involves indirect contact as well. That means, you are working on getting them out of your head and focusing on your own day to day stuff. It means you do not listen to tales of their antics from friends and family, you do not ask people about them, you do not give them any head space. It also means blocking their emails, texts and calls. The only contact that gets through to you involves financial and kid arrangements through an intermediary. this person must be instructed to filter out all other messages not directly related to business and kids. You do not need to hear "That bit*& is nuts," or "I miss talking to her". 

A letter most likely will amp up monster for awhile. If the LBS doesn't cave, it will stop, and peace will come. If the LBS caves and turns it into an opportunity for more R talk, the MLCer will see it as a manipulation tactic, the LBS will feel worse and be in the same position as before.

Most of us have "gone dark" at some point, if we are not pursuing. This all by itself, does not require any formal statement. It is more simple behavioral training. Many, like mitzpah, have had our MLCers go dark on us. These are opportunities to focus on you, get out of the drama, stop the spinning, and create peace around you.

RCR has an excellent article on NC here:
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels_no-contact.html

The whole series is excellent.

AND I agree with OP, post your communcations for review, and WAIT 48 hours before responding to avoid reacting.

[zinger]

Thanks all for your thoughts.  You all make good points.  I was just wanting some language in trying to respond to my husband's barrage of requests for me to make his life easier--he doesn't want to live home or be with me, he just wants to continue to benefit from all of the ways that I used to help make his life easier.  He doesn't see what the big deal is and I was just looking for some language ideas on how to say "no" and set some boundaries in place.  Everytime I get an email from him, it puts me into a tailspin--I get that that is ultimately my problem and I can't stop him from making contact or requests, but I guess I felt I needed to be clear, to him and myself, that I have no intention of making his life easier.

I know I shouldn't have but I really don't care anymore what he thinks--he doesn't think and I needed to vent -- I reacted instead of responded and sent him a letter telling him that as a result of his choice to leave, it is no longer my responsibility to make his life easier, that that is a privilege of marriage and family, which he no longer gets to enjoy.  There were other things in the letter, definitely some guilt givers but I am angry and I don't give a crap.  My kids are a mess, my oldest one is crying telling me she doesn't feel like he is her dad anymore, that it feels like her real dad died.  He is busy parading his OW around to friends and family and wants to introduce our girls to her not even 4 months after he has left. 

My letter, while not ideal in terms of following standing strategies, was what I needed to do for me at the time.  I haven't gotten a response yet which is a good sign.  Not sure what he could possibly say to me asking him to stop contacting me with favors I can do for him.     However, I have learned that MLC thinking defies logic so I am prepared for anything. 

thanks to all for your thoughts and advice.  I really appreciate it.